My fiancé and I have been together for about 2 1/2 years. We have had a really incredible relationship, but throughout he has struggled with bouts of depression that have really affected me. It seemed to all start around the time we met when his dad got really sick. At this point he wasn’t aware that he was suffering from depression – there would just be sudden changes in his mood, libido, etc and he would become shut off and lose all motivation for the things he loves. He would come in and out of it, and it was confusing, but we have always pulled through, communicated, and come out stronger.
I would also like to mention that I have severe OCD and went though a very rough patch when we first got together. He was ruthlessly there for me, I got myself out of the hole. I have a lot of experience with mental illness, but not depression specifically. Us helping each other with mental illness has been a two way street, though I am lucky to say that my mental health issues have not really “relapsed” in the last couple years.
About 3 months ago, my fiancés father died. Though it was expected, that did not make it any easier. A few weeks later, my fiancés workplace (that he has managed for years and was about to own) burned down. He was left with no job and nothing to show for his years of dedication.
Since then my fiancés grief and depression has taken over. It is very understandable in every way, but also incredibly hard. Though glimpses of the real him show through here and there, sometimes even for a few days, his primary emotions have been sadness and rage. He stopped taking care of himself, stopped doing martial arts, stopped eating well and started intermittent binge drinking at events (hard on me as I am an recovering alcoholic). The last week I finally had to say something after months of accepting his grief spiral and trying to stay sunny and positive through it all. I expressed how hard this is getting for me. He ended up going back to working out/martial arts a few times this week, and made a doctors appointment. We are both already seeing therapists.
I am started to be sucked into his grief, and I am not posting this because I want to feel better and be happy. I will be fine. The issue is that there is only room for one depressed person in this household. He needs me to be steady, strong, and loving. I have been for months, but am starting to slip. Living with someone who is angry, irritable, and mostly wants to watch movies in the dark is sucking me in. I work from home unfortunately, so I am always around. I find myself getting really affected as the season changes. I am barely excited for a half marathon race I have been training for for 4 months. I am having a hard time responding to messages or calls from friends and family. When he snaps at me, I am starting to snap back. Carrying the weight of his grief, my own life troubles, my job, and keeping the house running is leaving me with no energy. It has not just been a few months, it’s that a few months have been the worst. He has been in and out of this for years and I am finding myself burnt out when it matters most that I am not.
My therapist told me to take a vacation for myself just to recharge so I can be there for him. I wish I could but with my demanding job, fear over his lack of employment currently, and general crazy life expenses I really can’t afford to do this. It’s hard to even talk to my friends about this – it feels selfish to be grieving and suffering from his grief. I need ways to recharge.
Has anyone been through this with a partner or spouse, and how did you help yourself so you could help them?
Tl;dr – burnt out from my fiancés depression, looking for ways to recharge so that i can support him instead of crawling into his depression den with him
Comments
Your therapist is correct. You need a vacation from him at the very least. You need to step back and put yourself first, no matter how it hurts.
On airplanes, they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before helping anyone else. They don’t say that because they don’t care about all passengers– they say that because if you don’t take care of yourself first, then pretty quickly YOU end up needing more help. Putting your own mask on first means you’re able to help without becoming a liability.
A common maxim is also that you cannot pour from an empty cup, emotionally. You can’t give him steadiness and strength if you don’t have any.
Grief can take multiple years to work through. Two years is the usual mark for when people feel normal and functional again. You CANNOT treat this like a sprint when it’s a marathon.
Is he getting treatment for his depression?
Treatment that he initiated on his own with a therapist he found for himself?
If not, it’s pointless to hang on hoping things will magically get better.
I am so tired of these guys getting free passes on everything because they’re “depressed” & they never do a damn thing about while the women in their lives exhaust themselves enabling them. Nobody is better off for the efforts.