To start this all off I moved in him April of last year and we had a great friendly relationship. He was an older guy (70) and I am 37 (transfem). I helped him all around the house when it was needed as he was retired. Every night we would drink a few beers together and then I’d go retire to my room and he’d stay up playing the harmonica. Never was a mention or sign of depression. I’ll get back on that.
In the middle of September of last year he went to go visit his sister, during which he got into a car accident. Looking back on it and I ddin’t even realize until way later, he purposely got into that car accident. Finally he was back at home and I noticed he just was off, but I figured his body was hurting really bad. About a week or so later after I got home from work, he said we needed to talk about something. Ok, great… usually this kind of thing does not go well. So I sit down, and thats when he told me. He said he didn’t know what his plan was on how, but he didn’t want to be alive anymore. I immediately reacted with things like well we can get you help and should I call one of your relatives and etc.
This is the part where he simply replies “I’m not depressed, my body is just tired and I want to be with my wife and my twin brother.” Both of them passed away the year prior. And I listened and he asked me to promise not to call any of his relatives or the police to which I agreed.
Not much happened up until he did it. We didn’t really talk as he just spend most of the day in his room. I would go to work and come back home knowing one day soon that would be the last time. He wanted to leave me his house as he just fininshed paying it off and $5000 from his lawsuit settlement and give the rest to his family. he put this in writing and stuck in a cupboard. And then, the day before his birthday I came home from work and saw a note on the fence. Said he went fishing. I knew. I didn’t want to go in. But I had to. Door was locked (never had a key to the place as he just kept forgetting to get a copy of the key so I stopped pestering him about it.) Crawled through my bedroom window and headed out into the living room. It was not a site and I can not even erase it out of my head) blood all over as he cut his wrist with a kitchen knife. it was all over the bathroom and there was so much that it got on the lights which made the bathroom look even worse…
I called the police and they got out there in about 5 minutes. They had to rule me out as a suspect which it was clear that he did it, but they didn’t understand why I crawled through the window. also didn’t look really good that I had gotten a new pair of shoes for work. So they had to go to my work and verify that I was at my job the entire day. Also I kept out the fact that I knew about it cause because of the obvious. And then they took his body and left after about 5 hours. I had nowhere else to go so I just went back inside. To which I come to a realization that they don’t clean up after something like this. My room had been untouched by all of this so I went and grabbed a bottle of vodka that he had, went to my room and proceeded to get shitfaced while calling his family telling them.
I threw that note away. The police never found it. I didn’t want that place or his money. His cousin let me stay at her place and I found my own place after a week. His brother came and cleaned up the place (i don’t know how he managed to do so but there was no sign that anything happened after he was done with it) I kept his harmonica as his brother was just chucking everything out.
I miss him.
I am happy to have this off my chest. even if this is an anonymous throwaway account.