Okay so this has happened like 4 times now. My friend keeps bringing her boyfriend to what’s clearly supposed to be a girls-only hangout. Stuff like spa days, wine nights, even just chill movie nights. We don’t hate him or anything, but it totally changes the vibe and we can’t talk the same way when he’s there.
I feel weird saying something because I don’t wanna make it a big deal, but it kinda is starting to bug everyone.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Would you say something or just let it go?
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Backup of the post’s body: my friend keeps bringing her bf to girls-only plans
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I’d speak up, and if nothing changed, I’d stop doing girls’ night and distance myself from little Miss Boy Crazy.
Next time you invite her just make sure you let her know it’s girls only. It should be obvious in the context of a spa night, but since for her it isn’t, I don’t think it hurts to just tell her beforehand. “We’re just having girl time tonight! Hope you can make it” or something along those lines.
How does this happen four different times and not one other person has spoken up?
My advice is do this as a united group front. If you do it solo she’s going to turn it into “your jealous”. You and the other girl get together and let her know that when it’s a girls nights (and if you aren’t specifying when they are then you need to) you want it to be just that, girls nights, because if not it completely changes the dynamic. That you guys have nothing against him and he’s more than welcome to come to things that aren’t girls nights.
If it makes you uncomfortable and changes the vibe of the night then speak up, it will not hurt your friend to spend a few hours away from her bf.
Please check on your friend tho, it might not be down to her that he accompanies her everywhere. It could be the beginnings of an abusive relationship
Why does he want to come? Like most bfs who hear their partner is going on a girls night will go “well that gives me carte Blanche for a boys night or a night alone”.
The only reasons I can think of that makes him want to come to a girls night is
A) he’s trans and currently working things out or not able to come out to his partner yet
Or
B) he doesn’t trust that she’s hanging out with the girls and not cheating on him (aka toxic/ they shouldn’t be together vibes).
Organise another one and in advance let her know that this is a girls night and he’s not invited. If he comes again, when he’s at the door go “oh, chad, it was so lovely of you to walk Lucy to the door, shall we message you when we’re ready for you to come and pick her up, or shall we use uber?”. If he either still comes in or gets in a mood, talk to the friend and ask why he feels he has to come.
Stop inviting her, end of problem.
You just have to tell her “Girl trips are for us to hang without any partners. We can do couples outings on different days if you want.” If she refuses to come without him, she doesn’t get invited anymore.
There could be many reasons as to why she’s bringing him to events, it could be a simple misunderstanding to he wants to be a nice guy and make friends with his partners friends or he could be insecure/abusiv/ she could be pushing him to go etc.
Only one way to find out. Ask.
If that’s too much just make it known it’s a girls night and if she does bring him don’t be snide, nasty or sarcastic as what’s the point, u don’t want ur friend or her spouse to feel uncomfortable, that’s when a follow up conversation would be needed. If you’re not willing to do that youl gave to like it or love it if you want the friendship to survive
Ask her if she’s okay . Tell her it seems like she’s being abused and being held captive seeing how he needs to babysit her on girls nights . That should give her a reality check and at least open dialogue.
I would reframe it for her; ask if she’s interested in attending any girls’ only events, or if she’d prefer you always treat her and her partner as a matched set.
Make it super clear that there is no wrong answer, but say that if she’s not interested in the girls’ events that you’ll stick to just inviting her to the bf-friendly events instead.
If she protests that her bf being there doesn’t change anything, say that of course he’s cool and all, but that there are plenty of things you’d never say in front of him out of respect for her. Mention that sometimes y’all want to talk about women’s’ health topics and private stuff he’d never want to hear about! You want to be respectful of that, and maintain privacy because while you’d happily tell her about your UTI/period/sex life you certainly don’t think he needs to know about all that.
Say that the girls also want some events to be just girls, and you hope this isn’t a big deal because you love her and obviously still want to spend time with both of them when it makes sense.
Why don’t you do a couples thing and then bring other boyfriends and then the next event literally say girls only… he might be pressuring her to take him with her. My friend’s bf does the same and it’s the only way she can go is basically if he comes so we don’t have to listen to him bitch about her being out too long. Or just start talking about girl talk etc uncomfortable topics make him not wave to come LOL
He sounds controlling. You need to bring this up with her.
Tell her to blink twice if she needs assistance.
Is he abusing her at all? I had an ex who always included and invited himself to things because it was a way to control me and make sure I was “acting appropriately”. Eventually I wasn’t invited as much if at all, or it would cause a huge fight between us if he couldn’t go.
Do you set boundaries? “No significant others of the opposite gender?”
While you may think it is obvious (particularly after the first time when no one brought their own partner) – some people are so wrapped up in romance they choose to ignore obvious signs.
If it’s bothering all of you, and it’s out of the norm, then no, you don’t let something like that go. Your group is not obligated to suffer the discomfort of having her boyfriend there when he’s not invited, and by letting it go you’re setting a bit of a ridiculous precedent. Either this friend is incredibly tone-deaf about social norms OR there’s something else going on. Either way, you should be talking to her about it.
As others have said, this behavior is unusual and could be pointing to a boyfriend who is so controlling that he won’t allow her to go out alone. If that’s the case, then opening a dialogue as soon as possible is really important. If you care about this friend, then don’t sit silent. Sure, there’s every possibility she’s being very immature and can’t stand being away from him (you didn’t mention your ages but I’m going to assume based on the topic here that you’re all quite young) — but as a friend, you should be looking out for her and this is the time to have a gentle talk.