My friend/supervisor died suddenly today. I don’t even know how to make tomorrow happen.
Yesterday, we were texting and joking. I had bought her a tea from the gas station. We left with a goodbye and see you tomorrow.
This morning, I was only at work so early by chance. I was trying to find a quiet place to get my homework done.
My principal pulls me into the office, asks me to sit and not panic. Says that her roommate called from the ambulance and as far as anyone knows, she died. She was having heart problems. I don’t even know anything else. My principal asked me not to tell anyone else and that she only told me because she needs me to run our after school program while they call in councilors to handle the massive grief.
From 9am to 11am I sit alone. They told me not even to tell my husband who is also on the staff. They’re trying to prevent a mass panic.
Then, the superintendent sends out an email to the staff against the principal’s wishes. Staff is crying and still expected to go on with their workday because we can’t tell the kids yet.
Then, after school program starts. A child’s aunt who works for the schools tells her (we’re all mad about that) and it spreads like wildfire among the kids. We’re basically doing damage control isolating kids who know and sending them to counseling. The kids who don’t know are watching every other adult randomly burst into tears and they’re so confused. I told so many lies. Allergies. Stubbed toe.
Today was easily one of the worst days of my life. And I was a hostage once (story for another time). And I have to do it again tomorrow. Tomorrow they’re officially telling everyone. I don’t even know what to do with myself. I threw up in a garbage can today.
She was my friend. She saw me get married. She came to my performances. She told me about her kids and her life and her darkest secrets. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on tomorrow. How to comfort all of my crying students and friends. This is such a disaster. The worst part is, she would know exactly what to do. And now I don’t have her.
Fuck I’m so lost
Comments
Im so sorry youre going through this its sounds like she was a truly amazing who meant so much to you and so many others the strength itv took to show up today to care for others while hurting so deeply says a lot about your heart
This sounds l like an awful day. Having to go from the shock of finding out and then having to keep it to yourself, then starting to process your grief while trying to hide and suppress it, and then taking care of many others feelings, is A LOT. Are you getting counseling? I really hope so.
All you can do moving forward is whatever your best is in that moment. One step at a time, even if you fall back a few from time to time. Be sure to give yourself time and grace to process and grieve or your body will do it for you, usually at the worst time. Everyone is different, but with me, my body would literally shut down and stop working (couldn’t walk or even stand or talk) for periods of time no matter how hard I tried to force my way out of it, and I would have full panic attacks (seemingly) out of nowhere. Don’t fight it – let it out in your time. You need to allow yourself to go through it, no matter how much it hurts in the moment. It’s not meant to be held in, and it won’t let you ignore it.
Just to share the thought, unless you’re being told not to for some reason, I wouldn’t recommend lying to the kids. They need to know it’s OK to be sad and they don’t have to hide it or hold it in. They need to know they’re not alone and you are setting an example. I understand trying not to cry in front of them, of course, but if it happens and you can’t help it or if you’re just feeling sad, be honest. Tell them you feel sad sometimes, but you’ll be ok. Kids already know anyway.
I hope you get support ASAP. You will always carry this, but you will also find your way back to peace in your time. ✌🏼