i only got the text a few hours ago and, while i do have an irl support system, i don’t want to out him or myself for our sex lives. warning for suicide, as mentioned in the title.
i, ftm 19, last hung out with my friend dan (ftm 21) on saturday. we’ve known eachother for about a year now, but we didn’t really start anything intimate until more recently. he’s the first person i’ve ever engaged in kink with— vice versa— and was a major role in me becoming more comfortable in my own body. he literally joked about how i already knew his deepest secrets, and we laughed about it. we’re both trans, and being able to see someone like me who shared my struggles was so important to me. he was important to me, even though i am still learning more and more about him. two days ago i was standing in his kitchen, talking about how much he loves his cats. one of them was a mean old lady, but she enjoyed him from afar and he was content with that. a week ago, we watched jurassic world in my dorm room. i knew he’d like it since he has a dinosaur hawaiian shirt. yesterday night, he attempted suicide again. i didn’t even know there was a first time
yes, he is alive— in a coma. it isn’t looking good, apparently. i’ve only been told bits and pieces, i’ll comment an update if he wakes up, i guess. they’ve really stressed that i need to expect the worst, though.
i was told this from a friend of mine who knows his mom, and honestly, that makes it worse in my opinion. i was a secret, i only ever came around when she wasn’t home, so i never got a chance to meet her. but i know so much about her— the vacations they went on as a family, all about her relationship drama with the guys he could care less about, even her favorite colour and decoration style. it’s weird. i know all of his favorite songs, his favorite movies, things he’s never told anyone before. our relationship wasn’t romantic, but i guess sex draws you closer than i expected. i was talking to him a few weeks ago about how he’s never had any friends to go on walks with. i promised id take him on a walk. if he wakes up, we’re going on that walk. the last words he says to me will not be “you owe me head next time,” though i think he’d find that funny.
i’m kind of rambling, but it’s brought up a lot of thinking for me, mostly about mortality. my brother passed away after a month long coma in February, but this one hits closer for different reasons. i’ve always been one to make suicide jokes among friends— not often, but its pretty hard to avoid— especially with other queer folk, given how high the rate is for transgender people especially. he made one of those jokes on saturday, and even though i brushed it off, it keeps replaying in my head. i know i couldn’t have done anything, everything was giggly when we ended the night, but im really stuck
this isn’t the first friend i’ve had attempt suicide, and i’m terrified knowing it won’t be the last. this is the reality of being transgender. he had his top surgery recently, and i thought he was doing better. now im noticing the ways he isn’t, but i fear its all just hindsight. things are getting really scary right now for people like us, and i think that had a big affect of him honestly. it’s been weighing on everyone i know, honestly. the transgender suicide rate is something that’s haunted me ever since i started to transition. it’s so fucked up thst i have to live with the fear for my friends, but it’s the one thing that has solidified my will to tough it out. i’ve had those thoughts in the past, i know how easy they come about, and i want to be a safe person for people.
but yeah. ill be okay. i just needed to get this off my chest