We, Kayla and I, have been friends maybe almost two years. We’re also sober 2+ years each. I had a shitty boyfriend when we met, and complained to her about him but was too scared to break up. I know it bothered her to see me in a bad relationship. Honestly I barely consider it a relationship, because we only dated 3 months. But it should have been less than three weeks. This guy really sucked, and I was codependent and having low self esteem, stuck in a loop of thinking I was just being intolerant or closed-minded when he would do something I didn’t like.
A couple months after the breakup, she told me she didn’t want to be my friend anymore because I wasn’t doing enough to change. She wouldn’t elaborate on what it was I was doing that she wanted to see change. A month or two later, she apologized, wanted to retract what she said, and wanted to be friends again.
That was maybe 9 months ago? In that time, I met my now boyfriend, Cesar, who I love and think is wonderful, although he struggles with addiction. He has relapsed 3 times in the year we have been together. He’s been out for a week and a half max, but still very stressful and not good.
Kayla and Cesar have met once and seemed to get along. Now, Kayla is getting married and doesn’t want Cesar to come. She thinks I should have broken up with him. The comments she’s made indicate to me that she doesn’t want someone she thinks is a bad boyfriend at her wedding. She said no to another bridesmaid’s bf as well, although the way she described their relationship seems much more volatile than mine and Cesar’s. He’s two months sober now, and it hasn’t been his pattern to relapse in front of others—he’ll disappear and go out—so not really a risk of him making a scene at the wedding.
Also, Kayla cheated on her then-boyfriend now-fiancé after she told me she wanted to end our friendship and before we reconnected. I mention this because it feels like a pattern that she holds me to a higher standard than herself and another closer friend she has (who broke up with her long term partner and got knocked up a week later and is having a baby out of wedlock with a man that isn’t in the picture—Kayla is selectively religious, and that is both against her religion and just messy)
Like, that she broke up our friendship over nothing and cheated on her boyfriend is forgivable, but me taking 3 months to break up? No. My boyfriend relapsing? Not invited.
I’ve asked her to reconsider allowing Cesar to come. She says her fiance has to meet him first, but even then there may not be enough room. I already feel resentful of this and know I would carry it with me at the wedding if Cesar wasn’t there. I’d also feel very guilty if I realize later I should have broken up with Cesar, and missed Kayla’s wedding over it. Is it weird to not give a bridesmaid a +1? Am I wrong to be resentful? What do you all think?
Tl;dr bride doesn’t want my boyfriend to come. Seems to me to be lacking compassion for his shortcomings while forgiving others and her own. I’m resentful, not sure what to do
Comments
She’s right not to want him at her wedding. You shouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him. You both are in recovery and he’s still in active addiction. You’re 32. You know better