I had gone on a date with a man earlier in the night, then met my girl friends at a bar afterward. One of my friends invites her boyfriend even though no one else invites their partners. As soon as I got there and sat down at our table, her boyfriend (he’s 45 btw!), who I’ve only met twice,started insisting to me, “let’s make a bet. You won’t go on 2 more dates with that man”. I don’t know why he thinks that. The man I’ve gone on the dates with is very successful, which I think is a source of insecurity for my friend and her bf. They’re not poor by any stretch of the imagination but my friend wants her bf to pay for things like tickets to a show for her, and he won’t do it. Her bf told me the man I’m dating must be “gay or desperate” because he pays for me and buys me things.
I brushed off the bet and tried to enjoy the night, then a random man comes up to me asking for my number. I say no. My friend’s bf tells me to give the man my number and says if I don’t give it to him, then HE is going to give the man my number. I told him that only my girlfriend knows my number and she won’t give it to him. Her bf then announces to me, “she does whatever I tell her to do!”
Fast forward a few mins later, I’m minding my business just having a drink, and I see the boyfriend pointing at me out of the corner of my eye so I look over and he’s telling a group of strangers “Yeah, she’s psycho!” And is pointing at me. I told him he doesn’t even know me and asked why he was saying that, and he just kept repeating “she’s psycho, she’s psycho”.
I told my friend what he said and she made him apologize that night for calling me that. I thought about it for a few days afterward and realized how uncomfortable I was with everything that happened. We were all supposed to hang out again soon (with him invited too ofc) so when she asked if I was going, I texted her back, “I love you but I can’t be around your boyfriend”. I told her I go out to have fun, not to be put down and that I was uncomfortable with everything that happened. She got angry and said, “he already apologized profusely. Are you really going to allow this to ruin our friendship?” Then she called me immature for “twisting things” and accused me of not having conflict resolution skills. I honestly, as a woman, don’t feel safe around him and don’t feel comfortable around him anymore. And she obviously won’t go out without him, as she continues to invite him to girls night. I guess it effectively ended our friendship, but I can’t fathom being in her boyfriend’s presence ever again. Was I in the wrong?
ETA: it was only my second time meeting the bf, as I said above. The first time I met him was very brief, so this was the first disrespectful interaction we had. I definitely expect mutual respect in my close relationships.
Also I only bring up my date having money in this post because that was the only trait my friend’s bf brought up when he talked about making the bet. He wasn’t kidding, he was definitely serious about the bet. He even demanded I give him my date’s phone number so he could verify himself if he won the bet, but I didn’t give it to him.
I value my friendships and definitely don’t want to end them for something trivial which is why I posted here to make sure I wasn’t overreacting, like my girlfriend made it seem. Thank you all for the responses, I hate the friendship had to end but I feel better about the route I took now.
Comments
Nah ur definitely not in the wrong lol. Sounds like he’s just a dick. If I were you I would just directly confront him ask him why hes so mean to you. If he says something mean again, theres ya go.
Piece of shits. Sorry but even your friend too. That’s all there is to it. At first I was gonna say “you need to save your friend from this guy, he’s using his age gap for authoritative manipulation, he’s controlling his woman, pressuring her friend into sex with strangers, thinks gay people like to do kind things like pay for people to eat or see a concert, the bastards” but then I saw how much she’s willing to instantly throw anything you had with her under the bus for him. She chose him. She also chose to dickride him so hard that it makes her impulsively angry towards you. Even after things blow over, this is an accountability error and behavioral issue she will need to face. You choose you and bitch them out and GTFO find better friends that are lovely to be around !
Not wrong. Let your friend figure it out. Unless she is into that type of relationship, it will not be long.
No need to subject yourself to that type of behavior. If your paths cross with the bf, so be it. But it does not have to be intentional.
If what you described is above board and wholly accurate, your friend is the immature person in this instance. If they are a true friend, time will absolve this. And if the man is that sorry, he will say as much, not only profusely to your friend, but to you…again, and again. That is something that you must apologize for over and over again, until you say something along the lines of don’t worry about it (and move on).
Maybe get some new friends. This guy won’t be around for long because he is an asshole.
Older woman here, & I promise: They will break up within a year & she will remember her real friends. Let her know you’ll be there, & mean it. She might tell you to f off now, but she’ll learn. Keep your cool. She’s not thinking clearly.
That guy sounds heinous.
Often in situations that I see on these subs, I think commenters are quick to fly off the handle and suggest the nuclear option without instead suggesting just to take the time to talk and work through things calmly with the involved parties, realise that people are not perfect and to give second chances as we can all make mistakes.
Not in this situation though OP, what her bf did goes far beyond the realms of simply insulting you – it was an attempt at total humiliation when you have done nothing at all to deserve it afaik. Instead of supporting you, your friend also then gaslights and insults you as well. How could she think that a clearly forced apology was enough to fix this and what does it say about her if she’s witnessed this behaviour and turned a blind eye to it? I think this relationship is unsalvageable (unless she demonstrates some serious remorse in the future).
Btw I think you are absolutely spot on about his behaviour being down to jealousy over your guy being successful (from my perspective as a fellow man, he seems like an absolute 🤡).
You dodged a bullet. I wouldn’t want to be around those awful ppl. You should hang out with ppl who respect you
It makes sense that a 45 year old man hanging around young people would behave like a high school dropout, immature losers need other immature people to connect with.
But I do think you need to just quietly stop talking to this person, they just seem in their own world and cannot keep their partner under control.
Find better friends
the boyfriend was wrong. he apologized. you can’t get over it and move on. your friend is right. you are immature and don’t have conflict resolution skills.
Yeah he sounds awful and she is putting up with his terrible behaviour. Tell her you’ll be there for her when she comes to her senses, but if she’s willing to choose that man over her friends, then that’s her choice.
Im 42F here, and you are doing the 100% right thing. Guys like this, they are bad news. He is conditioning your friend to accept to be treated as lesser. You going out living your life in a way that opposes how he wants his relationship to go is a threat to him. He will absolutely give out your number to random guys if he gets it, he called you a psycho to a group of randoms because they probably said something complimentary about you. He behaved badly to isolate your friend.
He NEVER would have apologized if she hadn’t forced him to, he didn’t do it out of true remorse, and your friend saying he apologized profusely is her feeling the need to stick up for him, because he gaslights her. He makes her feel like shit when he does something wrong, this is intentional on his part. All you can say, and I strongly suggest you say to your friend is that she is currently in a very unhealthy and unbalanced relationship, if she ever feels like he makes himself the victim after he has been in the wrong, shes right. He’s gaslighting her and conditioning her to tolerate his behavior, which will continue to become worse. His self worth isn’t something for her or anyone else to fix, it is on him and if at 45 he hasn’t learned to hold himself accountable, he never will. Let her know that while she is in this relationship you cannot keep contact, because he is a misogynist, but that you will be there for her when she finally has enough of his behavior as it will become abusive.
Never accept anything less than what you give in relationships. You did the best thing in calling him out, and drawing this boundary with your friend. Good for you in standing up for yourself and communicating like a healthy adult.
Why are you whining about this on Reddit? Suck it up and live your life without seeking constant validation from strangers
You did the right thing.
You’re not wrong.
You made your point very clear. It had nothing to do with her, but her boyfriend’s behavior.
What you subsequently learned is she is enabling and excusing that behavior.
Sorry you lost your friend, but under the circumstances it is not great loss, Eventually when she figures out, she might seek you out to apologize, but in the meantime, just keep your distance and allow your mutual friends to reach their own conclusions. Don’t make them choose sides
It seems like you just learned that your friend is more like her boyfriend (in character) than she is you.
After this set of interactions, you’ll never be able to have fun with her again.
The guy probably is attracted to you and is immature so he gives you negative attention.
Good riddance to both of them.
Holy shit. Threatening to give your number to a guy you don’t like to have your number is wild.
Never accept anyone to make decisions on your behalf, especially not vague aquintances. I would have completely lost my mind. What a freak.
And ditch your friend as well for backing him up.
You’re not in the wrong, just everyone else involved is. Be glad the friendship ended this way because you don’t need a friend who gets angry at you for setting boundaries. She can’t change how you feel about her creepily obsessed bf. For now she has to deal with that kind of man and you’ll be doing just fine without them.
Can your other friends not help by telling her that girls night is just for the girls.
No partners
He likes you.
So what? Where’s your belief in yourself.
Side step that person and move on.
Why are you spending time with people who talk to you like that?
In my life, mutual respect is basically the entry fee to be welcome into my life. If you don’t got it, you’re not allowed in.
Sounds like he’s trying to remove her friend group so he can have her all to himself. He sounds controlling and honestly I think your friend needs you now more than ever.
he is trying to ruin you, and it sounds like your “friend” might be behind some of it. backstabbing is real with her and her boyfriend, but she is brainwashed by her loser botfriend
In order for her to see where you’re coming from, she’d have to face the reality that this guy sssuuuucccckkkkss.
Honestly though, my guess is she’s likely parroting the things she’s had said to her when she tries to stand up for herself to him. I could 100% see him being the type to gaslight his way out of accountability like “I already apologized perfusely! Are you really going to allow this little to ruin our relationship? You’re twisting things and so immature! You have no conflict resolution skills!” Textbook DARVO.
Stick to your guns to act as a firm reminder that the option to not accept that kind of behavior is still an option.
Find new friends, there are normal people all around who you will feel good being around and who aren’t out to hurt you
it’s not that he crossed the boundaries that worries me it’s the way he did it it does not scream stable
Stay away from both of them.
They were absolutely in the wrong and lack respect. You’re in the right for picking up on both their disrespectful comments and stating you were uncomfortable with it. I doubt anyone with a sense of worth would want to hang out with those people.
So how old are the rest of you? Someone assumed young but I’d assume older.
But this doesn’t sound like how a 45 year old man acts.
But also you say the man you started dated is very successful and paying for everything which kind of is the only thing you mention so makes it sound like if you continue dating him that’s the only reason. But again from everything you said it only sounds like you’d continue as he has money. You didn’t say he’s very nice or kind. Everything is about money you mentioned.
I think the man was just joking though as maybe he’s seen you always break up after 3 dates. Hence he said you won’t go on 2 more dates. I doubt he says it without reason.
Yeah this guy sounds like a total creep honestly. The fact that he’s 45 and acting like this is embarassing af. And your friend getting mad at YOU for setting boundaries? Nah that tells you everything you need to know about where her priorities are right now.
I had a similar situation years ago where a friends bf was just awful to be around and she kept defending him. Eventually I had to step back too because she was so deep in it she couldn’t see how toxic he was. Sometimes you just gotta protect your peace, and it sounds like thats exactly what your doing.
wtf is wrong with this douche. is he some kind of Andrew Tate clone trying to dominate all women around him. what a pos. 🙄 OP acted reasonable in this weird unhinged situation.
Everyone involved in this seems absolutely awful. Ask yourself if A) those are the people you want to spend your time with and B) being very successful and buying you expensive stuff is really what you should be valuing in a man..
Seems like something is missing from this story. Generally, people don’t call you a psycho for no reason.. “I don’t feel safe around him” makes you sound like you might be a dramatic person ✌️
He must be controlling as he feels he needs to attend girls night. Maybe he’s trans that is why he was there. He also is insecure in his relationship due to how you get treated by your BF. Since he doesn’t treat his girlfriend that good he doesn’t want you around showing your friend how good she could be treated.
Like the other posts said..
Fuck em. Fuck em both.
Your personal boundary is you won’t be around someone putting you down or mistreating you.
Stick with that.
She wants to minimize or justify that behavior or say there is something wrong with you, don’t defend yourself. Just be done with that relationship as well.
She just showed you her character.
I wouldn’t even say much about it with her. Just Nope. Thanks. Bye.
You aren’t losing a friend. That wasn’t a friend to begin with. Cut ties before it gets worse.
No you weren’t wrong.
Ya I see why he made the joke…..coming to Reddit to complain about your girlfriend’s bf . You’ll be single a while.
That guy sucks. And fuck your friend for trying to make you choose between being demeaned and staying her friend.
NTA – BF is a d-bag,and your friend is one of those pathetic women who defend every douchey thing their boyfriend does. Ditch them both.
Trust your feelings and din my be around him . He sounds pretty crazy and obnoxious!