Looking for some advice on whether or not to proceed with a friendship.
I’ve been friends with this woman since middle school (we’re in our mid 30s), and I’ve known her husband since they started dating their senior year of high school. About 6 years ago I was living out of state and picked her husband up from the airport so he didn’t have to spend the night there, and had him sleep on an air mattress in my apartment. He tried touching me multiple times and I rejected him, and the next day we both pretended like nothing happened. I never told my friend.
Since then her husband has repeatedly propositioned me for a threesome with my friend, which makes me uncomfortable. I always try to laugh it off (are you getting the sense that I can’t stick up for myself?) and I’m upset that my friend hasn’t told him to cut it out. He also groped me recently and I just ignored it and never told her. They’ve been together for years and they now have two kids under 5, so to tell my friend now would be wrong, no?
Writing all of this out makes me realize just how bad all of this is. Please be kind, I grew up in a sexually restrictive household with rampant emotional neglect and mental/verbal abuse. Should I confront my friend after all of these years about her husband? Should I cut her off completely? We used to be best friends and I miss her, but I can’t help but feel like she’s always chosen her perv husband over me.
Comments
Link your friend to this post.
Beside that, just drop ‘hey your husband wants to have a threesome with me.’
Go visit a police station and make a report of sexual assault.
Does she know he’s a perv? You haven’t said anything, maybe no one else has? If you’re considering cutting the friendship off, what have you lose by telling her the truth? Good luck!
You should tell her.
Guy sounds like a piece of shit.
Your friend possibly knows, but like you, has difficulty standing up for herself. You’d be better positioned to know whether that is the case, though. The extra detail that they now have two kids may mean two additional reasons she isn’t willing or able to assert herself.
The friendship with the husband should not last. That much is clear. But the rest becomes a little murky.
The friendship with the friend is the more complex one. She may be completely oblivious, or she may already know and feel unable to stop him.
She is your friend though, so talking to her about it would be a good thing to do. You can make clear to her that you care for her and will be there for her, but not for her husband.
If this ends in separation or divorce, good. Again, guy is a piece of shit and a marriage should be a home, but this one sounds more like a prison. But if that does happen, it is NOT your fault, and you MUST understand that.
He may try to blame you for it, but that is because he can do no wrong, and therefore to make sense of it someone else must be at fault. But that would be his narrative. Do not adopt it, even if your friend decides to.
You aren’t this guy’s play thing. But nobody is coming to defend you. You need to be your own defender.
Good luck. You don’t deserve this harassment.
Edit: alternatively, if your friend already knows, tell her you don’t appreciate it and if she still doesn’t respect that, no, end the friendship
Brushing it off won’t work. I know it might seem hard to be more forceful, but a creep like this views that as a challenge or you playing “hard to get”. He won’t stop without stronger pushback.
If you haven’t told your friend directly what her husband is doing, do that. Tell her flat out, especially that he groped you. That is miles over the line. She may not understand or realize how bad it actually is.
If you tell her directly and she is okay with this, then you need to get away from them before this escalates any father. If he keeps getting away with pushing things like this, the risk is that he keeps doing that and it escalates.
I wouldn’t be with this guy in a private place ever again at this point, either. You need to protect yourself from him.
Is his wife aware? If not you need to tell her. If you stay friends with his wife, you can tell her your boundary is her husband is not invited to tag along. And I’d stop going to her house to avoid “running” into him.
>[…] I always try to laugh it off (are you getting the sense that I can’t stick up for myself?) and I’m upset that my friend hasn’t told him to cut it out. […]
So he does this in her presence. Have you ever talked to her about this?
I didn’t tell my friend about her husband trying for a threesome with me and my then on again/off again man.
I don’t know if I wish I did or didn’t, the relationship was on life support by that point anyway.
But I sure as shit didn’t give him another chance to ask.
Tell your friend if she doesn’t know. Stop laughing it off like it was a joke with him and be extremely pointed with him. I would give him the evil eye and tell him flat out that you find him and his suggestion disgusting and that you never want to hear that again. Then avoid him like the plague.
He’s an absolute asshole. It would be hard, but be direct with him about what you think and go no contact with him. You have to stop laughing it off because he just assumes that means you’re still possibly interested.
And yes, tell your friend everything. It’s getting to the point that you’re betraying your friendship by NOT telling her. It’s not fair that this is your situation, but it is the situation, and you can work through it with your integrity intact.
NOT telling your friend would be wrong, especially since you are considering cutting HER off. For HIS actions!
Maybe she does choose him over you; but unless you tell her completely what has been happening, she is not making a fully informed decision.
If you tell her everything and she still chooses him, well, at least she knows the facts and knows why you may need to walk away.
Find your spine and speak up, then let the chips fall where they may.
I think you need to say something, especially BECAUSE she has a kid and is in deep.
That said, worst case scenario: be prepared for it to backfire on you, or for him to convince her it was actually you coming on to him. She may end the friendship choosing to believe that.
There’s a whole bunch of outcomes that may be unpleasant, and as an avoidant person I totally get why you may not want to experience any of those. But it’s better to get it out into the air.