here’s my list:
pros
- we share values when it comes to marriage and kids
- gets along good with my family
- makes me laugh
- shared fun memories together
- has helped me feel more confident in myself
– gives me a reason to work and provide
cons
– extremely avoidant
– gets defensive and is aggressive/negative in every disagreement
– don’t share beliefs?
– talks little/makes fun of me in front of friends
– do not share values with money
– never have space to ask for help or talk about feelings
– dismisses issues I’ve talked about almost immediately
– doesn’t ever pay back on things we agree to split
– is controlling and extremely jealous
– am 24/7 needing to be there for her or I’m the bad guy
– haven’t been to her doorstep even though we hangout everyday and I get her from her house.
– does not put the same effort into pleasing me in bed
– work puts her in a bad mood every single day
– has cheated on a partner in the past
– manipulative
– not putting the same effort into the relationship
I feel loved and I love her but I just struggled so much to find any pros. I don’t feel like the relationship has been that bad but according to my list it has. just asking for advice on how to continue this. am I just being to negative?
Comments
I am sorry but if you are having troubles 5 months in she is NOT the one.
Just one or two of the items in your “cons” list would lead me to terminate this relationship.
The discord over money is a deal -killer on its own for a marriage, and is something that love will never overcome.
I offer these observations as a 65 year old who has been around the block a few times.
Talks down to you / makes fun of you in front of friends has a greater weighting than everything else.
That’s disloyalty. That’s contempt.
There is actually zero reason to be in a relationship if the person uses you as the but of their jokes or belittles you.
The fact you even had to make a pros and cons list after 5 mo th says to me this relationship has serious issues.
The only question is:
Are YOU truly happy with how the relationship is?
If not, then you need to reconsider because that’s some serious (deal breaking to me) cons on that list.
First 2 + especially 4th con = she doesnt love you.
Please leave her. She will destroy your joy and self esteem. I would guess she has a personality disorder that keeps you walking on eggshells.
Doesn’t seem like a good match. You’re young and this relationship is fairly new, you don’t have common property or kids or a very long history.
Buddy, you got 10 more cons than you do pros. Sometimes it’s just not right even if there are really good moments and that’s okay! Most of us aren’t with our life partner at 19/20. There’s a better match for you out there.
I wonder what her list would say??
Seriously you’re 19. She sounds toxic but you’re very young to be even thinking about marriage. Meet some people, have some relationships, have fun. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself. That’s just wasted time. You have a whole long life ahead of you.
Con:
You are not being negative what you have listed are MAJOR red flags. To be honest when I read the pros I realized they were lacking any form of real foundation? I’m not sure how to put it. But from what I see the little pros you have are things that can be easily torn down by any number of the negatives you’ve listed. Meaning to
me at least that theres no real sense of deep connection. Well also paired with the negatives she comes off as selfish. To be honest it can be easy to be blinded in the early stages of a relationship and believe it is love. But you must be honest with yourself. If a friend listed those negatives to you about their partner they were struggling with would you tell them to stay? What would you say? (Sending all of my positive affirmations and good luck to you 🪷)
Half a dozen of the “cons” you’ve listed are probably behind 99% of the divorces ever filed.
You can get out now while its free, or later when it is emotionally and financially much more expensive…your choice.
Just don’t fool yourself into thinking you can make this work, because you can’t.
OP you’re 19. As someone who is a lot older than you, my advice would be that any relationship you’re not enjoying is a relationship you should end. Yes there are pros and cons but relationships are supposed to make both people happy at the end of the day. If she doesn’t make you happy its not a failure to move on. If you’re having to justify this to yourself and write out reasons you should stay you already have your answer.
if you have to make a pro and a con list, just leave buddy. just leave!
You have learned a lot about yourself and what you value in a relationship. Consider this a six month investment in yourself. That’s a very short amount of time to learn such good life lessons. Please move on. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.
You should not be wasting your time in this relationship at 19. You have better things to do.
Brother, I think you know the answer… it’s screaming you in the face
It has been 5months and you are resorting to writing lists to ensure you are in “love”?!
You are too young for this and life is far too short.
Break up and move on.
You will find someone more inline with you.
If your cons is longer than the pros, you already know what you have to do. Dump her. The cons list is concerning.
If you have to make this list after 5 months, you don’t need to make the list.
move on
You’re 19, 5 months is nothing. When you’re a little older 5 months will feel like a few weeks lol
You are 19, 5 months in, and had to make a list!!
There is your answer
Damn bro. You may find out one day that you are dating Amber Heard. But seriously. She sounds narcissistic. That love you’re feeling is “ love bombing”. She has to give you something to keep you coming back. You’re her little devoted punching bag that she most definitely siphons your energy because she is an every vampire. I know you’re still young and have the world ahead of you. There is a reason you have never been into her house. Who ever is in the house doesn’t know you exist for what ever reason. Tearing you down infront of friends and manipulating you at every turn is only going to get worse.
I’m sorry you are going thru this. It’s in your best interest to just dip out of the relationship. You are already reevaluating the relationship because you sense that something isn’t right and you’re correct. You are not really in a mutual respectful relationship. You’re not ever gonna get money back you agree to split. Because your position in the relationship is to pay for shit, give her attention, loyalty, sexual pleasure, to drain all your energy, be a door mat to gaslight and exploit for something. And you’ll sit there take it and like it! Or she’ll move on to someone else if you don’t. By the way any tears that she cries are all fake. Those are just liquid manipulation rolling out of her eye holes to guilt you to stay right in the little box of play things she keeps you in.
Ya… maybe it’s time to move on. There is someone for you that will treat you with respect and love you for who you are. Don’t stay in any relationship that is oppressive just because your girl is hot. I don’t know your circumstances, I’m just saying In general. I think you kind of understand what is going on here and what you should do.
I wish you well!!
gives u a reason to provide
BROTHER PROVIDE FOR URSELF
I think you know the answer but don’t want to realize it. She is using you until she finds someone “better”, maybe she doesn’t even realize it herself but the signs are very clear to me.
End that relationship, you won’t get happier. You are still young and there are plenty of fish. I’m not a fan of “the one” as we only really get to know a handful of people out of billions but you will definitely find someone who loves and respects you.
It’s over man, time to move on.
Lot more cons than pros. Time to dip out