tl;dr I stopped volunteering at church regularly a few months ago, partly because my girlfriend didn’t like it taking time away from us together. I am planning to help out at church this weekend in an emergency situation, and my girlfriend resents me for it.
My girlfriend (21F) and I (24M) have been dating for about a year.
I was brought up going to a Christian church, and for the last 6 years or so I have led the audio visual team in my local church. I’m not particularly religious, but I enjoy volunteering, helping people and I find the work interesting. Parts of the job are unpleasant though, and it is a big time commitment, so when I met my girlfriend I told her I mostly enjoy it but I was planning to take a step back soon once I’d achieved a couple of things.
I still volunteered most weeks when we started dating. She didn’t like this – she doesn’t like churches or religion, and she thinks I’m being forced to do work at the church, despite me explaining it’s something I want to do and I want to leave when it feels right. However, her main reason for not wanting me to go to church is that it takes time away from us together. We alternate spending weekends at each other’s house and don’t see each other during the week, so me going to church on a weekend where I’m at her house basically takes the whole Sunday out. I understand this is painful for her, and it’s equally painful for me, but she’s never really acknowledged that it’s something I value and enjoy doing, and instead seems to resent me for making church a higher priority than her. She says she wouldn’t mind if I was seeing friends or doing something else, but doesn’t like it specifically because it’s church. This doesn’t make sense to me – I understand she’s hurt by me not spending time with her, and that’s okay, but I don’t believe it should matter what I’m doing as long as I enjoy it. It doesn’t feel very supportive.
A few months ago, I stepped down and stopped going to church. If it wasn’t for my girlfriend I probably would have kept volunteering for a bit longer, but I was more or less ready to stop and didn’t mind it. However, the team is very small and this weekend no one is available to run the audio visual setup. They asked me to fill in, and I accepted since I’m happy to help out occasionally still. I told my girlfriend I might still volunteer at services occasionally when I stepped down.
I’m scheduled to be at my girlfriend’s house this weekend, so of course she was quite upset. I understand her being a bit surprised, but she’s guilting me into not going, saying she will be very hurt if I go and accusing me of putting church above her. I’m not willing to forgo this for her, but I want her to understand that it doesn’t mean I don’t love her and don’t want to spend time with her. Maybe that sounds a bit selfish, but I think this is a slippery slope and I refuse to let her emotions control what I spend my time doing – that’s not healthy.
How can I help her feel better whilst not ignoring my own wants?
Comments
You do not share the same values and do not sound compatible.
You should break up and date people who like being involved in church. This will only get worse if you get more serious. As a single guy who is kind and volunteers in a church you will have plenty of opportunities to meet girls who will appreciate that aspect of your personality. Like you volunteer at church. You’re not out at a strip club or glued to gaming. SMH!
Dude. I am an atheist and I have never interfered with a boyfriend’s religious duties in any of my past relationships. That you allow your girlfriend to do so is not a good look for either of you.