My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year, and I truly believe she’s the girl of my dreams. However, there’s a recurring issue in our relationship that I’m struggling with.
Yesterday, I took her to the beach for the day, but shortly after we arrived, I got a call from my father letting me know that my 91 yo grandmother had gotten sick. (It doesn’t seem to be anything serious.) He needed help taking her to see a doctor. I explained the situation to my girlfriend and asked if she was okay with me heading back to help. She didn’t say much, just went silent and got in the car.
The ride back was rough. She got really upset and said I never prioritize her. She told me she felt bad for my grandmother but didn’t understand why my mom couldn’t go, or why my dad couldn’t take care of it himself. I told her my mom had to work, and besides, it’s my grandmother, I want o help her when I can.
She said I wasn’t even sorry, that I just expected her to be understanding, and “that’s not how relationships work.” She raised her voice, said some really harsh things, laughed at me, and then gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the ride.
it’s my grandmother. I wasn’t going to just hang out at the beach while she needed help.
I feel that I can’t count with her support and that’s been really difficult to deal with.
Is this something we can fix? How do I approach this kind of situation with her?
Comments
She doesn’t sound like a “dream girl”. She sounds like a selfish, manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive brat.
If her behavior isn’t a red flag to you, it should be.
A decent person would have been disappointed but understood the situation.
I’m going to hell for this, but maybe she’s not mad about the grandma so much as she’s mad you’re not giving her what she wants… and that’s a whole other problem. How do you even start fixing that when it feels like you’re always choosing someone else?
She is extremely immature. Let her be upset, don’t call her. She’ll get over it. Just know whenever you are not catering to her, she’ll be mad again, so get used to it.
She doesn’t feel like you prioritize her. If she did, then something like this she could take in stride because she would understand it’s a unique situation that requires your attention. Talk to her about why she feels you do not put her first. Don’t confront, argue, fight. Instead, have a mature heart-to-heart talk about how to prioritize each other while still fulfilling other obligations when they come up. Talk it through and agree to a plan that both of you feel good about.
Show each other that you care about the relationship and want it to last. If you both feel secure, things like this (having to cancel time together at the beach to help a family member in need) is no big deal and doesn’t make the other person feel bad.
I’m very sorry about your grandmother and glad it wasn’t anything too serious.
I don’t really think this is something for you two to fix, but rather an issue that she has and that you need to decide whether it is a dealbreaker.
You say “I feel that I can’t count with her support”. That’s a big deal, OP, and something you need to think about. Are you ok with that being the status quo?
You need to understand you cannot change people. Your girlfriend can change herself, all people are capable of growth. But, it requires self-reflection and self-accountability. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in that and sees you as being in the wrong.
If I were you, I would tell her that her reaction and behavior was unacceptable and that you are re-evaluating whether this is a relationship you want to continue.
Sorry but your gf sounds very immature and self centred. I remember when my Grandmother passed and how I wished I’d spent more time with her. Obviously your Grandmother is very important to you and you sound like a caring young man. You need to have an important conversation with your GF and if she doesn’t get it, she needs to go.
She will resent you whenever you are spending time with your family and she is not going to change because she wants to be your no. 1 priority and she doesn’t see your family as her extended family. Leave her.
Why did your dad need your help? When my gran was sick we all took turns taking her to appointments, but it does only take one person. Do you often dump your plans with your gf on short notice in service of your family or other commitments?
How often have you cancelled plans last minute to help out family? If it’s a one off she’s really overreacting although I can understand some frustration at cutting the day short, but is it more of a trend?
INFO: I think we need a lot more context around this:
> (It doesn’t seem to be anything serious.) He needed help taking her to see a doctor.
What kind of help?
From your GF’s perspective, it’s a non-urgent family matter and there are other family members already working on it, yet you still cancel plans. Why? How is this “a frequent problem”? Do you often walk out on your GF when your family needs non-urgent medical care?
Your girlfriend is a selfish fuck head and a child.
You said it’s a recurring issue? What exactly is recurring?
No it isn’t. She’s selfish self-centered and has no empathy.
INFO: what did your dad need you to help with? I ask because one granny takes priority, but if you frequently have to rush off it’s understandable she’d be upset. Doesn’t mean you’re wrong, but you might be incompatible.
Did you reschedule for her?
What kind of harsh things did she say? They might reveal why she’s upset
My first thought reading this was, “why do you have to leave to help your grandmother when your dad is there to help her?” I understand a real emergency, but I don’t think you should be bailing on a date over smaller things. I can understand why your GF would be upset, especially if this is a regular thing. I think if your grandmother needs you to flush the toilet, mow her lawn, watch a show with her, etc., you probably shouldn’t bail on a date to do those things. You can wait and do them later, or ask another family member to do it. But then if your grandmother has a real emergency, your GF should be understanding when you need to take off.
Sounds like she lacks compassion, which I don’t think is something you can really teach. Imagine you’re together when you’re old and you get sick, is she going to make it all about her?
This isn’t how a partner should react.
You say it’s a “recurring problem.” Does that mean she wants more of your attention overall, or are your dates always interrupted by your family’s needs, specifically? Are they overly reliant on you, or do you always do as they ask? This specific incident was obviously serious, but it is part of a pattern?
It sounds like you want to prioritize your grandmother in your life right now, which is admirable, but your girlfriend is allowed to want a boyfriend that will prioritize her. In which case, that boyfriend is not you, and you two aren’t a good match. Giving you the silent treatment wasn’t the answer, though.
How often does this happen? If your gma wasn’t seriously sick, why’d your dad need help taking her? (Your OP needs a lot of context here.)
You approach this kind of situation by not being the a******, because YTA rn.
You’re enabling this to become: your family might need you so you don’t get a life. Your family might need you so you aren’t allowed to prioritize anyone else, make any plans, or keep any promises. Yeah that definitely makes you the a****** here.
This particular situation, it wasn’t serious, your dad could have handled it, but you still had to ruin a day with your girlfriend, prove that you don’t prioritize her for anything, and then think she’s a b**** for wanting an actual relationship? You don’t deserve her, or anyone, until you figure out that you’re not the servant of your family, that you’re not supposed to jump when they say jump, that elder people are a shared responsibility that is consciously handled not an interruptive one of everyone’s day.
Your dad could have handled your grandma there, but I guess it takes two men to do the job of one woman or something?
You’re in essence a mama’s boy, but it’s a family boy, and you shouldn’t even be bothering to try to have a relationship if you don’t have any idea of the appropriate boundaries or requirements of adulthood. And I don’t mean having to go back and take care of your granny that’s sick either. I mean not acting like a servant, I mean growing up, I mean understanding what is appropriate to ask of both yourself and someone else.
You’re a people pleaser tied to your family who’s always going to throw the next girlfriend under the bus, so quit subjecting women to this kind of BS until you’ve grown up and figured out a system, a path or an understanding that there’s a different way to do things as an adult than you are doing.
So I don’t know how justified her belief that you don’t prioritize her is. Are you constantly bailing on her for family? Then it’s probably justified. If not, then it’s not.
What isn’t justified regardless of the answer is treating you the way she did. That’s unacceptable.
If she got angry and behaving like that for this thing then you should question leaving her.
If it’s a referring thing where you do Y or X, and she says something like ”Why do you never prioritize me?”
So you had a day off and went to the beach with her, and you were the only one in this world that could take your grandma to the doctor?
That’s what she is thinking. And if it’s recurring you are more the problem then her. Then she is right, you are never fully invested in the time with her because you can with a phone call cancel or change the plan right away.
Or you never do things like that, and she is the issue.
We can’t really say much from your post, what’s what. Obviously she seems to be the issue from your story about the beach going. But rarely anyone if anyone would complain that you had to take grandma to the doctor. So why did she? She is jealous and egocentric or you need to ask yourself why she said what she said, about not feeling prioritized in her own relationship.
So you work a lot and have little time to see her, or both work with mismatching schedules so little time together? Could also explain the annoyment.
How often do you get called to help, and when. Who else is available to help? Is your father really that helpless that he can’t handle her on his own?
It’s great that you want to help, but if others are available you should not be the only one that does help. When you make plans to do something How often are you called to go help her compared to how often do you help on other days?
To be blunt, is there any possibility your grandmother or your parents are using your sense of responsibility to keep you from having a separate life?
I’m playing contrarian here, I understand the posts about helping family and generally agree with them. My question is to get you to think about if others are using you to avoid doing any of the work, or to keep you isolated so you end up doing all of the work.
If she is getting worse, at what point do you either hire someone to be there full or part time, or get her to move to somewhere that has people available to help.
The fact you say this is a recurring issue but only give us one example where you clearly seem ‘right’ is kinda suspicious
What is recurring exactly? How often do you bail on plans, especially ones already in progress? Do your parents often expect you to drop plans to help them? Why didn’t your dad ask for your help in advance if he knew she had a non-emergency appointment, your mom worked, and he needed help?
Seems like he’s not respecting your time, which my guess is something you likely grew up with as ‘okay’ so you don’t see the issue, but now you habitually pass that disrespect on to your gf vicariously by allowing them to drop things on you with no notice. A beach day isn’t just hour long coffee plans, it’s a full day she set aside to spend with you, that she made no other plans for, that now is potentially wasted. (Not to mention the time it takes girls to get ready to go out)
Seems like she’s been mad about this awhile from your own description of it, today was likely her breaking point. My advice would be talking to your parents, who I assume are often a factor in this ‘recurring’ issue (if it’s others then them as well), about boundaries and that you would love to help them with things but would prefer to be asked in advance. And talking to your girl and actually LISTENING to why she’s upset instead of waiting to tell her why she shouldn’t be
Your dad couldn’t take your grandma by himself…why? I’d be pissed off too if I had to leave the beach because of a problem that could be solved in another way. How often do you do this to your girlfriend?
you even said this is a frequent issue.
your girlfriend isn’t upset with the fact you’re helping your grandmother. we all want a partner whose loving and caring toward family. your girlfriend is upset that you ALWAYS help your grandmother when you’re with her. no one wants a partner who doesn’t put us number 1.
Can I ask how often you have to cancel on her for your family?
This seems more like a straw that broke the camels back rather than a this is the first time it happened.
You need to look at what she means by saying that you never prioritize her.
Start by asking yourself what occasions you think she means, and list them for yourself.
Anytime you had a conflict between time with her, and doing something else goes on that list.
And then next to each incident – what you chose to do, and why.
And then without showing her your list, or using it as ammunition, sit down with her and ask her what she means by saying that you never prioritize her.
Just listen.
Don’t interrupt, don’t justify, just hear her out.
Then thank her for sharing that with you and tell her that you have some serious thinking to do about your priorities, because you hadn’t realized how out of hand things were.
Don’t commit to any kind of agreement, just reiterate that you have some serious thinking to do.
Now, sit down and think about what she said and look at your list.
How many of the things on your list were things she brought up?
How many of the things she brought up were about your priority being someone else in a situation that was not an emergency?
When you look at the the difference between how you see it and how she sees it, is she genuinely the last priority?And this was her last straw?
Is it specifically your family that she gets upset about?
Or does she seem to want to be the first priority on every occasion?
Unless she already dumped you, this is yours to figure out and yours to decide.
You’re totally allowed to dump someone who’s being selfish.
And…
You’re totally allowed to dump someone whose priorities don’t match yours, even if both of you have the best possible interests of each other at heart.
But if you want to work this out, you need to figure out whether she’s being selfish, just doesn’t like your family, or whether you are genuinely placing her last and about to lose her.
I’m confused…why did your dad need help taking your grandmother to the doctor? If she’s too sick for him to help alone, then he needs to arrange for her to have a medical motor service to take her to appointments, or figure something else out, which he needs to ask her doctor about.
You said in your title that this is a frequent problem. Can you elaborate on that? What’s frequent, you needing to cancel plans with her because your family needs you, or her getting mad at you?
This is a little trickier.
First of all, it’s obvious that your girlfriend feels that you put your family above her. Do you ever do anything (without being blantant about drawing attention to it) that you put her above them?
Secondly, you were already at the beach. If it wasn;t serious, was there someone else who could help? Or maybe an ambulance?
It sounds like this was something she was really looking forward to and your family, once again, interrupted your time with her. And I say once again, because she mentioned that you never prioritize her. So, it sounds like this isn’t the first time.
Did you explain to your dad that you were on a vacation day with your GF? This doesn’t sound like it is an emergency.
At the end of the day, whether you are putting your fmaily first too often, or she is overreacting, or both, you need to communicate about these things better AND show that, in your relationship, she comes first.
How often do you cancel plans for reasons like this? Cos yes 91yo grandmother but your dad could have taken her. You said yourself it wasn’t serious.
IDK, you all are jumping all over the girlfriend, but if this is a clan family situation, she is probably right.
Clan families are the ones that are all up in each other’s business 24/7. any relationships they have outside of the family come second. They only socialize with family, and expect family to drop everything all the time when they call.
Who knows, this story could go either way for me. LOL
A simple conversation emphasizing that she and your family is important. Also putting effort in showing she is a priority. Since I don’t really know either of you, there is a chance she’s a narcissist and focuses on her needs and wants more than anything else. If that’s the case, run…crazy comes in many attractive packages.