just letting u know in advance, this is not some tantalizing story. just normal anxious guy problems yk.
background info on the relationship:
i really, really like this girl. we met in october of 2024 when she was in my city for a work trip and clicked almost immediately. we kept talking after she went home and started flying back and forth once a month to see each other. i knew i would hate long distance but i didn’t want to lose her so i tried. there were plans for her to move to my city for work in the summer, so i decided to try and stick it out for the next six months.
long distance was really really rough for me. i had anxiety all the time and our communication wasn’t the best. it took a real toll on me. after two months of long distance i made the decision to break up with her to hopefully save both my mental health and the chance for starting a real relationship when she moved here. i tried to make the boundaries very clear to cause us both minimal harm – this was a break up, not a break. we were both free to do whatever. i took a break from dating for about a month and then had a very casual fling, a separate hookup, and some dates that didn’t really go anywhere.
i didn’t want anything to be any more than entirely casual because i mentally still felt committed to this girl and her moving date was coming up. she visited me twice during the break, and we were low ish contact most of the time. it felt healthy and my mental health improved so much.
a week before she moves to my city i get a weird feeling. her emotional consistency was off and she was “busy” all the time. she would give me reassurance when i needed it and was nothing but kind and communicative. i ended up letting her know i had stopped seeing other people and asked if she still was. not because it would’ve been wrong but because i felt very out of the loop and like we weren’t on the same page anymore. she gave me so much reassurance and said that she had said her goodbyes, but that she would be busy that week with work and spending time with her friends before leaving. totally respected that. we didn’t talk for another two days.
the problem:
fast forward to now. shes been living in my city for a month and we recently started officially dating. yay!! ive been really happy. this relationship feels so good and the break up did end up giving us the fresh start we needed. after she moved here she told me she’d had a situationship with someone during the breakup. i was like okay yea that’s chill you were allowed to do whatever you wanted.
within the last three weeks this is what has been revealed to me about this situationship:
- the other person thought their relationship was more serious than it was, despite being told from the beginning it would end in the summer and that my ex had feelings for someone else (me)
- this person was introduced to my exes friend group and still hangs out with them regularly
- this person was somewhat emotionally manipulative and would guilt my ex into spending more time with them than she wanted to
- they kinda look like me womp womp
and finally, my gf woke me up in the middle of the night last night to tell me that she had lied when she told me she had said her goodbyes that day i asked. the day after we had that conversation, she saw this person and hooked up with them one last time. she said she felt so guilty, regretted the whole thing, and didn’t really even want to go in the first place but did for some reason. she said she lied because she didn’t want to lose/hurt me.
i’m in love with this girl. i’ve waited so long to just be with her in a way that feels normal. if she would’ve told me the truth at the time i don’t think i would’ve even cared that much! but the fact that she lied and didn’t tell me until now, despite us having multiple conversations about this, is setting off alarm bells for me. she’s truly amazing and our relationship has been incredible so far now that she’s here. we are compatible in so many ways, and i could see a real future with her. she gets along so well with my friends and makes me feel more cared for than i’ve felt in any other relationship. but ive also never been lied to like this in a relationship before.
i’m hurt and i do feel like the trust we’ve built has been damaged a bit, but i can also empathize with her decision-making. she cried and seemed genuinely remorseful, but i also would have never expected her to lie to me like that. idk i just don’t know what to think.
the question:
so my question is, is this a major red flag? to be this early on in a relationship and find out i was lied to? even if it wasn’t technically cheating? am i overthinking this whole thing and potentially damaging a shot at a good relationship with my anxiety?
sorry, this was so long!! appreciate anyone who took the time to read.
TL:DR my gf had a situationship while we were broken up for three months, and when i asked if she was done seeing other people a week before we started dating again, she lied and said yes when she actually had plans to see her situationship for the last time the next day.