[I’m gonna try to keep this as healthy and positive as possible. Please do the same.]
My girlfriend struggles with feeling unattractive and like she’s not enough. I try to show her she is — I give her attention, affection, compliments — but she’s told me “You can’t fix this.” And I get that. I know I can’t “solve” it for her. But I love her and I still want to help in whatever ways I can.
I take it my girlfriend is not one who appreciates philosophical discussions about things that hit close to home. Talking about why it’s risky to self loathe causes her to shut down, so it doesn’t work with her emotionally.
SOOO… I’m looking for PROVEN EXAMPLES from your experience THAT WORK.
What have you said or done to make your female partner or significant other who thinks they are unattractive feel more worthy? I already give her a lot of attention and affection and she says that I can’t fix it but I really want to help her any way I can. Just want stuff that actually worked.
P.S. I shared my willingness to be a bit more open to listening rather than talking
TL;DR
My girlfriend is very insecure about many aspects especially her body. What can a man who already gives her love and affection and care do or say? No hypotheticals, only real examples.
Comments
I’m sorry but there is nothing additional you can do. She has to work on her own self esteem. We can’t do that for her and neither can you. I know you mean well and that’s really great but this is work she has to do on her own. I don’t think you’re going to find the answers you’re looking for here.
My dear, no, there’s nothing you can do. Continue you to do what you’re doing and reaffirm her. Self-esteem is an internal issue she has to fix independently of you.
Coming from an almost exact situation that’s been ongoing does years….. there’s not much you can do. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but it’s true. I’m a 38 male, so I hear your pain. This is not something we can fix. This is something that needs time and therapy. At best, you can just be supportive, but don’t try to fix her.
My answer is- stop focusing on her looks and stop trying to convince her. If you want to compliment her appearance focus on “I like” instead of “you are.” So “I love what you’ve done with your hair” or “I like the way that dress fits” instead of “you are especially lovely today.”
Because, to be frank, her being beautiful really doesn’t matter. What matters is her sense of style, your love for her, your attraction to her, and how well you work together as a team. Focus on those aspects.
Man to man — been there. My wife (then girlfriend) went through something similar. The compliments, affection, all that — it’s necessary, but like you said, it doesn’t “fix” the core wound.
Here’s what actually helped in the long run (not instantly, but over time):
Stop focusing only on physical affirmations.
I used to say “you’re beautiful” and she’d roll her eyes. What landed better was stuff like:
• “I feel so safe when I’m around you.”
• “You make things feel light when life’s heavy.”
• “I noticed how you handled [X] today — that was sexy as hell.”
Shift the focus to how she moves through the world, not just how she looks.
Include her in the story of your life.
I’d tell her: “I want you next to me when I get old.” Or “I see you in everything I want in the future.” That gave her this anchored feeling — like she wasn’t temporary, or just a passing girlfriend.
Mirror her back to herself.
When she’d say something self-hating, instead of arguing, I’d say: “I know your brain says that. But I don’t see you like that. I see [insert her strength].”
Eventually, she started to believe my version of her more often.
Silent support.
I kept showing up when she was low. No fixing. No pep talks. Just “I’m here. You don’t have to be okay to be loved.” It built trust.
One more tip: never let her self-hate become a joke. It’s easy to brush it off with humor, but those comments add up for her. If she says “ugh I look gross today,” don’t just say “shut up, you’re hot” — try “hey, you don’t have to feel great today. But I still see someone amazing.”
You can’t heal her, bro. But you can walk beside her until she learns how.
Respect for wanting to love her right.
⸻
Want a shorter version or something with a more emotional tone?
Research cognitive behavioural therapy and workshop some tactics, like asking her to challenge her own thoughts. “You say you’re unattractive – can you think of and list times in your life when people have said the opposite to you? Can you think of the number of times you’ve heard the opposite? What’s the balance”. I bet if you google ‘CBT tactics for self-esteem’ or similar you’ll find some other ideas out there.
It’s a tough one because if you a) tell her she’s attractive and love her for it, she sees that attractiveness is important to you. If you b) say it doesn’t matter how attractive she is, you’ll love her anyway, she may think that you’re saying she’s not attractive.
Any “proven to work” techniques will obviously only be anecdotal so there’s no real proof in that. Besides, what works for one might not work for another. Additionally, what everyone else said about this being her work to do, is true. She had to decide it’s something she wants to work on. In my experience, I only began wanting to work on my self concept when I realized it played a fundamental role in my ability to manifest tbh. Whether you believe in that stuff or not, it still rings true that you cant create something new from a place of the old stuff. You have to embody new beliefs and create from that space. It’s the order of operations. Deciding you want a different life for yourself because you’re done believing and living as if you don’t deserve good things or acting as though you aren’t worthy of anything – that’s the first step. When she’s decides that’s not the truth she wants to live out anymore, that will be her first step in the right direction. A lot of these mindsets that tell us these negatives stories about ourselves are not ours in the first place. It’s important for her to recognize this and decide to take her liberation into her own hands. She should do shadow work (google this if you don’t know what it is) to help her uncover where these narratives came from and why she adopted them as her own and reflect on the ways that they aren’t true or don’t have to be true. Therapy can help with this and I recommend she do that for sure as well, but there should be an additional element of self nurturing these wounds that goes beyond more than just once a week at a session.
And one more thing.. if she is hard on herself from internalized patriarchy and is judging herself from that place, she should especially work on dispelling that because the revolution starts from within. And we cannot help but perpetuate patriarchy if we haven’t first deconstructed it within. Tell her to read Bell Hooks’ Communion: The Female Search for Love.
I guess lastly I will say that if she wants to free herself from these negative thought loops but feels she has no self confidence or self love to even work from, then she should start building up her confidence by acting as if she’s worthy of all the things she desires even if she doesn’t feel like it. In fact, ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t feel like it. You can create self worth by proving to yourself through your own actions that you believe you are worthy of good things. This starts with finding out what your emotional, spiritual, and physical boundaries are and then honoring those even if you don’t feel like it. That sends a message to yourself over time that you are worthy. Because YOU’ve shown up for it. You’re not going to just think something is worthy when you haven’t first dedicated worth to it yourself. If you don’t think something is worthy of your time and effort then you’re inherently going to think it’s unworthy. It’s a feedback loop. But If you show up in action by giving your time and effort to honoring your boundaries and needs, then simply from your actions alone you can deduce that you have decided it is worthy. Enough repetition of her honoring her boundaries will send the message to her brain and she will be working from a whole new place.
I hope this helps.
Not a male here but I was that gf to my now husband. I went for therapy and that helped a lot, another thing was that my husband tried to help, tells me I’m beautiful everyday, became my safe space that I can feel that he genuinely thinks I am beautiful regardless of how I look in the moment. Probably focus on how you can make her feel beautiful, safe and comfortable in your presence while she also has to try and fix herself.