I (33M) closed on a house today. This has sparked a massive argument at home because “I do things by myself for myself”
Background
I am a United States Army Veteran, still in reserves and full time Engineer. I have worked very hard throughout my life because I grew up very poor. I moved in with my GF in 2021 and had a child with her early 2022. Up to 2023 we split bills (I was in school for engineering up to June 2024) and after that I have paid for everything in the house because she wanted more time with our baby.
Last year I started working as an Engineer, I got a well paying job and finally got service connected. I am doing very well for myself. Since everything is going crazy with home prices I decided to jump on a house. I put 25k down, got all the paperwork done and closed today. Now, I talked to her about this since about 2 years ago and explained to her that everything I been working on since 2010 was for these 2 big goals of mine, my degree and a home. She is upset because I did not sign the paperwork with her and she told me “yeah, you did this so if we break up you just kick me out and thats it”.
She is an unhappy person, always been since we met. No matter the situation, she has a complaint. She works and makes money, she complains, she stays at home she complains. She has been an amazing partner and has supported me with home stuff (chores, going to get groceries, appointments, etc) and she is the best mom my son could have (gotta say both negatives and positives). I have not asked for anything of her. I even offered to help her pay for her masters and pay for everything while she goes to school. I told her she can go back to work if she wants. I want her to feel free and not be stuck in a job she does not like or stuck at home. I told her I dont expect for her to pay anything related to the house and if she goes back to work at most just pay for child care and maybe some of the food (if she wishes) and thats it. She is mad I did not marry her first because I am afraid of her taking half if we divorce but the thing is she already failed me once. The reason we have a baby is because she stopped her birth control and did not tell me anything out of spite (separate issue altogether, I love my son BTW and give him all the love and attention he deserves <3) so I dont trust her with these kinds of things anymore.
I honestly dont know how to feel, I always been an independent person and thats how she met me. She knew because we sat down and talked at the begining. I never had anyone to fall back on to so Im used to doing things for me and now her and the baby. I understand her point but at the same time I have worked hard for years. Its been long hours, blood, sweat, tears, I went to war for this and now I dont even know how to feel. I even tought about moving in by myself just so I dont have to listen to her everyday telling that IATH or that I am selfish. I have my own mental struggles as is and it hurts to be told that I am not enough. Enough of a partner, enough of a father or enough of a provider.
Sorry for the long read I just needed to vent.
EDIT: Grammar
EDIT 2: I been very communicative with her throughout the entire process, we saw houses together and the one I bought was based on all her inputs (size, rooms, location, etc.). This was not a decision made on a whim or out of the blue.
Comments
Dude you busted your ass for years, bought a house and she’s mad it’s in your name? After she pulled that birth control stunt? Nah NTA. You’re being smart. She’s got her own issues and you’re not responsible for fixing them. Protect yourself and don’t let her guilt trip you
NTA and honestly push for her to go back to school and get a job it won’t matter what she does she won’t be happy so stop trying so hard to appease her. Smart move it only being in your name.
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Ok but also you aren’t married, in a way you are saving her from having to deal with anything with the house if something happens to you?? It’s not a big deal that it’s in your name alone. NTA.
She seems like not a good partner if she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from and what you’re sacrificing.
You did right by the house only being in your name only. As you said, she failed you once already by keeping that secret.
NTA
Why you would stay with her at all is mystifying. Anyone who would baby trap you is capable of anything.
Anyway, protect what you have worked so hard for as best you can.
I guarantee you if she ever leaves you, she will try to take everything she can possibly take and the court system will help her do it.
I mean, you realize this is probably the end with her right? Just call it now instead of dragging this on. I would have ended it when she baby trapped you. But if you weren’t ready for a kid you should have been wrapped up, birth control or not.
ESH for staying with her, but punishing her for the babytrap.
First off, thank you for your service. I see both sides, but I do think that it is your choice to have the house only in your name right now. If you see her in your future long term, then maybe it can be a possibility to add her on it in the future. But I don’t think doing so when you aren’t even married is a good idea. My best friend did this, and her now ex has her house after a dv situation, and the court sided with him when he was the guilty one. I’m sure that isn’t your situation I hope, but I wish she had listened to me when I told her not to put his name on her house
She sounds like an angry person, who engages in deceitful actions (pulling her birth control – which removes your agency about having a child). Bad vibes all around.
She might be a good mother, but not a good life partner since you can’t trust her. Sucks but she’s not wife material. Not everybody is.
Do not encourage her to stay home for too long, it will come back to bite you because she will eventually drop out of the workforce entirely & she will become your burden to bear for the rest of your life. Especially if she “forgets” to take her birth control again.
Use protection going forward or get a vasectomy, they are reversible.
YTA. if yiu want to be fiercely independent be independent. Idc whose name is on the title but buying a family home without even talking to the mother of your child is lunacy
Keep her in girlfriend status, do not ever marry anyone. If you get pulled into a family court as a man you are fucked, the circumstances do not matter. Look out for you, always there is a list a mile long of others that will take advantage of you as much as they possibly can.
Nta , she baby trapped you. I wouldn’t put her name on the deed either. Besides you’re not married. (Which I wouldn’t recommend with her bad record as it is.
Girl should be thankful for having such a wonderful supportive man. You’ve done nothing than provide for her. Even after she tricked you.
I’m gonna say ESH if the narrator is reliable. She’s absolutely TA for baby trapping you. A baby is not something you bring into the world to be spiteful. Disgusting behavior on her part.
I do think YTA mostly to yourself for staying with this woman knowing you do not trust her and obviously do not plan to build a life with her as an equal partner. Regardless of what she’s done in the past, if you’re buying a house and continuing a relationship with her for your child and plan to have her living there with you then yeah it’s an AH move to not tell her or allow her any input on where her and her child will be living.
You’re not married, sounds like you don’t plan to, and you obviously do not want her to have any more stake on your life than she already does with your child. End the relationship and separate your lives as best as you can and continue being there for your child separately. A broken home is far worse for a child than separated coparenting.
edit due to additional info from an OP comment
You should probably add to the actual post that she had a say on what house you were planning to buy to avoid unfair judgements. Mine is still the same, but only because I think you are not being fair to yourself and the child by staying with this woman after she did something so vial to you and altered your life forever with a child out of malice.
Why are you talking like you are single and you don’t have a family?
Incomprehensible to me but you may be correct in no time.
If she is moving in with you, get a cohabitation agreement before she moves in.
Nta
Your gf is a gold digger who baby trapped you.
She doesn’t work.
Don’t ever marry her. You’ll lose everything between child support and alimony.
my dude, she baby-trapped You. get out now before she is entitled to half of your house.
Did you talk about the fact that you were buying a house – not in the beginning but as you were in the process? Did you talk about what houses you looked at and what you liked or disliked about them?
The problem is you do not communicate and you do not even act like you are in a relationship. Do you care if she is happy? I am not asking these questions to assign blame but for you to analyze if you even have a relationship or is the whole thing transactional? It sounds like you are trying to be nice but how about, the two of you sit down and talk about what each of you want about in your futures, individually and as a couple.
To me it sounds like both of you look at your own goals and go after them. She wanted a baby – she didn’t ask you. You wanted a house and you didn’t ask her. This is not a loving relationship. ESH
She deliberately trapped him with a baby. She ‘s lucky he didn’t leave her when he found out it was a planned “oops”. But he’s an honorable man who wouldn’t abandon his son.
The consequence of her subterfuge is that she doesn’t get her name on the house; it’s not a joint purchase. She needs to understand that poor decisions have consequences. She’s very lucky the OP is offering her a choice to be a sahm or to work. OP is very generous as it is. His partner should count her blessings.
You can’t trust her and you know it. And she knows it. You can’t possible be truly happy in this relationship.
Break up and co-parent.
Nta for buying a house and doing well for yourself That’s something you should be proud of and should be celebrating.
Unfortunately huge AH for settling with this woman. She doesn’t even love you. Doesn’t make an effort to be happy with you, why bring the negativity in your life. You have purpose, goal and all set in life, the only thing lacking is drama is it? That’s why you choose this woman to be with? Wth man. Let her go and let her work. No matter what you do, she will be unhappy. This will drain you in future.
You need someone to match your energy not to drain you. Also, thank god you didn’t marry her.
YOUR house. Not your child’s house. Not a family home. You didn’t even give her the option of helping with a down payment/morgage and making it family home. You sound like a single guy planning his single future. Tell her the truth so she can move out, move on and find an actual partner.
Also, it’s not just the woman’s responsibility when it comes to birth control. You should have been using protection instead of putting the oneness on her. If you didn’t want to have a child then you should have been protecting YOURSELF instead of expecting the woman to protect both of you. God, it’s infuriating how men think BC is a woman’s issue.
Presumably you’ve been with this woman for at least 5 years. You’ve lived together for 4. You have a baby. You should know enough at this point to marry her. And if all you know has you not wanting to marry her, you should break up. You’re supposed to be building a life together, but your priority is staying independent, building YOUR finances, and protecting yourself. You’re either a unit, or you’re not. You’ve got to decide and make that clear to her.
NTA. Do Not Marry Her!
NTA & why are you still with her? If all she does is complain & make you feel you’re not enough, she doesn’t deserve you. And to top it off, she stopped her birth control without informing you. Break up & go for joint custody. A baby being raised in a toxic home isn’t healthy & it’s really not good for mental health either. She’s going to drain you until you’re completely miserable and unhappy. Leaving her, imo is best for all three of you. This is no way to live.
I guess the question is what you want your relationship to be. Everyone can define theirs in different ways, but I personally prefer partnership. You have been with this person for at least 4 years and have a child with her. It sounds as if you are unwilling to make any real further commitments. Maybe you should simply tell her that. This is what you can give her. Let her decide her next steps. For me, it would be taking my son and walking out the door. Another man might give her everything she wants, and you could have visitation. You don’t trust her enough to be married or to share a mortgage. My ex-husband got our first house in his name, and we split the mortgage. But he proposed within 4 months. Had we gotten a divorce then, I may have had a legal issue, but I doubt it we always worked as partners. Hell, we still do, to some extent, as co-parents. When we got a divorce, we split things amicably, and I left the family home to him. When he sells, I will get my final portion of equity as he couldn’t afford to buy me out. My point is that we tied our lives together. It didn’t work out and was messy, but we didn’t screw each other over. You don’t believe you guys can have that so maybe you don’t really have a future…I don’t know. I just think your partner is hurting for a valid reason. And if you were honest, you would tell her how the pregnancy made you feel and how it’s held moving your relationship forward…but it’s Reddit, take this for what it is. A person who doesn’t know you or her and only heard a part of the conversation…
Do NOT marry her.
ESH. She clearly baby trapped you but you seem to really not like her much nor want a real future together because as she said you keep doing things as a solo person rather than a partner building a life together.
Didn’t read all the “input” but good on you. She can decide to go with you or not and the fact that you don’t “need” her is perfect. If you choose her, she should cherish you, be there for you, and desire to be the woman you want!
Keep your assets your assets, prenup, talk about everything, ahead of time.
YTA and she’s TA idk why yall are still together at all given everything you shared
You two do not trust each other. You’re just not a team. I’m not convinced everything you’ve written here is the whole truth, but I am convinced you’re focused on yourself first.
ESH Everybody sucks here because there’s a child involved that needs better parents. Your kid needs both parents focused on their stability, not who gets what shit in a hypothetical breakup.
You both need to grow up. I suggest you each get into individual therapy for your baby’s well being.
YTA for creating and enabling this dependapotamus. Kick her to the curb immediately and DNA test that kid asap.
NTA
Nta – you have done the right thing, but you should kick her out at try to keep your kid. Talk to a lawyer.
Overall I’d say you’re NTA but the way you’re moving does indicate that you aren’t planning a future with her and she has a right to be anxious as much as you have a right to buy your own house and be proud of it.
I think it’s time you really think about your future and if you see her as your future wife or life partner.The way you’ve described her and your relationship doesn’t sound like a man that’s in love and certain but more like someone that’s graceful,responsible but not entirely happy and trusting. Give this some thought.
I stopped after, “she’s been an unhappy person since we met”.
Leave the problem and live your life. Also, thank you for your service. 🙏
You sound so smart and stable. Move yourself into this new home and file for custody. She sounds very unpleasant and life is legit too short to be miserable. NTA
Dump her and kick her out. Pay for something decent for her and the baby, until she’s settled on her own income. Get a custody & child support attorney. Keep them on standby in case she decides to be petty and alienate you from your baby.
Keep your son. Get a new partner. This one is toxic.
Oof I was on the girlfriend’s side as far as you probably should have had a discussion. But when I got to the baby trap? Yeah no. NTA. But you two are shitty together.
Bro. No brainer. Experience here 53male, who’s had 3 woman take all my siht during my life. Finally building for myself. I currently have nothing, while 3 others live with my (now theirs) stuff. She’s unhappy all the time already? Well yeah, now even more unhappy cause she’s not in your pocket with that house. If you stay with her, or go find the love of your life…. prenup that house with VERY specific rules!!!
NTA but you should think this through more. You don’t trust her, and she’s given you a reason not to trust her. Her statement about you not wanting her to take half the house is probably completely valid, but again, she gave you a reason for that, so she doesn’t really have grounds to hold it against you.
You are in a weird spot now though, because you’ve stayed with her afterwards. So like, how is she supposed to ever regain your trust and forgiveness? What is her timetable here? In another 2, 4, 6 years, will you be willing to marry her and financially tie the knot? Tbh, if I was in your shoes right now the answer would be no. She’s massively violated your trust once already and that is something I would never forget.
You could be upfront and tell her you will never marry/financially tie yourself to her to that extent because she ****ed up. Idk though seems like that would be a hard pill for everyone to just know and move forward, especially given her bitter statements surrounding the current situation. And do you really want to be with someone forever you’ll never trust?
A great show (Hannibal) had a character give a metaphor. He would occasionally drop a teacup on the floor by accident, and find himself upset the peaces would never come back together. He later goes on to attempt to “put the peaces of the teacup back together again” in terms of his broken relationship with another character…but it can’t be done. Once shattered, some things just can’t be made whole again.
INFO: Why in the fuck are you with a miserable gold digger that complains constantly? You know she baby trapped you, right? Is a miserable home where you want to raise your child?
YTA to yourself and your child for maintaining this shitty status quo with this shitty woman. Make her fears come true. Kick her out, and go for as much custody as you can get.
It’s wild to have a baby with someone and date long term only to not consider them good enough to be your wife. YTA.
ESH
You both suck and are using each other.
NTA Sounds like your GF isn’t happy no matter what she does, no matter what you do. She may need therapy to find out why before it affects your child. Children have a tendency to do what they don’t want to just to try to make others happy, especially parents. Her unhappiness may start affecting your child’s mental health if she doesn’t get help now.
Check if you’re in a common law area. People can get stuff even if you’re not married.
NTA
MAKE DAMN SURE YOUR STATE DOES NOT HAVE COMMON LAW MARRIAGE STATUES OTHERWISE YOU COULD STILL LOSE HALF THE HOUSE IF SHE MOVES IN.
Don’t stay with someone you don’t trust.
Doesn’t sound like you two should be together
If you aren’t married, the best thing to do is make big purchases separately.
NTA, but why are you with this woman? She is clearly not someone that you see a future with, so stop wasting your time and your energy and find someone that you do want to build a future with!
There’s absolutely more to this that you’re withholding as somebody else said ESH buying a house without her involvement at all(you later said she did have involvement in picking the house why did you leave that out of the post what else have you left out?) , you have a kid act like a fucking adult and communicate with her
If you are more than happy to pay child support while she takes your son and lives separately from you, NTA. If you were hoping she’d move with you, YTA. Everyone should get a say in where their home is.
First and foremost: Put the house in a trust for the kid.
You are doing fine. From one engineer to another, the house dramatic isn’t going to get easier when your career gets going even more. I think it’s awesome that you give the gf the choice to work or go to school, etc. I feel bad for her that she is such an unhappy complainer. My husband is 100% sdv, and it’s been an experience. We have come a long way with the PTSD. Anyways, sorry for my ramble. I just wanted to share that I think you are doing great, except for the complainer. Do the trust for the kid.
ESH. It’s not a bad thing that you bought the house yourself, OP, but it is a AH move to do it without at least giving a heads up to the partner and mother of your child who you are living with and supporting. She’s not an amazing partner if you don’t even trust her enough to just inform her this was something you were actively doing. And she sucks for baby trapping you. Kid aside, you both should be rethinking this relationship!
Reading this, I don’t know that you are the AH but I don’t know that you aren’t either. You live together and share a child together. Yet this reads with zero emotion, just logical facts from your side of things. Did she even know you were looking at a house and purchasing a house? Did you select it together? You seem very me, me, me. And portraying yourself like a martyr that takes care of her and your son. I think your lack of emotion is why she’s complaining, you seem disconnected. Checked out.
Birth control is not 100% effective. It is not the sole responsibility of the female to ensure contraceptives. She is staying home raising your shared child and doing the chores while you enhance your career and ensure your future. She should finish her degree and get a good paying job. You should then pick up 50% of all chores and child rearing. Then you both can move on from each other because you both want different things and have 0 respect for each other.
YTA for staying in the relationship. This is so fucking stupid.
Excellent TED talk! So are you staying or going?! I vote you drop her.
NTA , but make sure you’re not in a common law state
NTA but why are you with her? You said she’s a great mom but there nothing else positive, y’all can be great parents apart because this seems healthy for you or her..
Ohhhhhh you’re definitely the AH. You sound completely disconnected from her but at the same time will pay for her as a convenience for your son to have a mom. Were you that focused on obtaining a degree and home that you didn’t really care to have a family to put in it? It sounds like you don’t really want a family, but instead want a bachelor pad. There is nothing in your post that details any emotional connection whatsoever. Almost like it’s transactional. Eww.
Good call…protect your $$$
Tell her go get a fking job then. And then she can go buy her own house.
Sounds as if she is reaping what she sowed when she betrayed you and tricked you. The fact that a whole human being resulted from that betrayal puts it on a level where you really cannot trust her. Having children has to be a two yes, one no because it is a big fucking deal to force someone to have a child.
I recommend you protect yourself and have a plan in place for custody and child support if you break up.
Dude…
I was actually inclined to say Y T A…until I got to the part where she baby trapped you. That’s a pretty major betrayal. Marriage requires trust and it really hasn’t been long enough for that trust to have been rebuilt. So I understand why you haven’t married her and I understand why you didn’t buy the house with her. You don’t typically reward betrayal with a ring and a house.
It’s pretty ironic that she’s accusing you of doing things by yourself for yourself. She stopped taking her birth control all by herself…without any discussion with you. She kept that knowledge to herself, taking away your options regarding birth control. She got pregnant for herself, probably because she thought that would give her an MRS. Despite the betrayal, you’ve provided for her and your child. You didn’t walk away and you didn’t throw money at the situation while offering little else.
If you’re determined to stay with her, sounds like couples counseling.to unpack the unresolved issues would happen.
You shouldnt be with a person you dont see spending your life with.
Sounds like she’s just mad that you haven’t proposed to her so she can’t lock you down with marriage. You’re not married, so you don’t have a shared income. If you want to buy a house, go ahead, it’s your money. Did she want to pay for 1/2 or just have her name on it so she could basically try to steal from under you? Don’t know her side of the story but sounds like you both just care about your kid but not each other. This makes her sound like she cares for her kid but not you. She only wants to keep you around to basically provide and doesn’t want to risk the provision to someone else sin e you’re not married. You sound like you’re here for the kid and may care for her in some aspect but not love her as a person. Honestly with the behavior described, neither of you are good for each other, the kid’s the only thing holding this together and it’s not the kids’ fault for existing and having tk grow up not understanding why his parents don’t act “like other parents”
Am trying to see both sides here. You’ve been together for a while and also have a child. What are your long term plans? Does it involve your gf and baby or you want to keep going but on your own term. If your future plans do not include her I believe you should part ways. Personally I would not be happy if my partner does this to me. If things go sour your gf and child has no security whatsoever.
WTF, you make no sense.
1 NEVER make a large purchase with someone you aren’t legally married to.
2 Do you discuss marriage with her? If not, do you intend to marry her?
3 Did you mention that you were searching for a house, found a house you loved for your family and intended to move forward? It might be that she feels left out in regards to the process and is taking that as you do not want her involved whatsoever hence the comment.
It depends if you ask her to pay half of your mortgage at any time or ever. Then YTA because you will be gaining equity, and she will be gaining nothing. She could be kicked out any time. So it really depends how you proceed.
Dude, she baby-trapped you.
Hidden in your post is the fact that she already let you down once by stopping birth control, not telling you then getting mad when you didn’t marry her after she got pregnant (before you night a house).
Break up. Pay child support and get at least joint custody. You can’t trust her.
It’s only gonna get worse.
Well the good news is you’re any to move and there’s no better time to break up
I went through that. My perspective was that i easily would have moved her into the house which i bought as an investment into my future which I desperately wanted her to be a part of, but she had a similar attitude that was keeping me from taking that next step. Her perspective was that I was only thinking of me and I wasnt planning on a life with her.
There’s truth to both, we just disagree on who’s fault that was.
Good luck.
First, if this is the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with, they need to be included in all major decisions. And yes, where one lives is absolutely, a major decision. The agreement that only you were going to sign needed to be discussed before closing. That goes for anything and everything you buy “for the family”.
Second, I’m more concerned about the comments where you said, “She is an unhappy person…” This almost sounds like you giving yourself permission to get yourself something nice (a freakin house!) and using her unhappiness as justification. “I deserve this because I put up with her complaint’s.” Maybe I’m reading more into it than I should. Maybe not. Ten years from now, is there still a relationship and is it mutually loving and supportive?
I would say spending that kind of money on a house without her buy in does make you the asshole. You can’t just talk about the down payment. You spent the purchase price of the house, without your partner understanding what was going on. That would be like talking about swinging one day, and then, five years later, you hook up with someone as a swinging date. But she didn’t know about it. In serious relationships, everyone must give consent. If either party fails to get cc it, it is cheating.
it sounds like she’s more upset about not being married, and is subtly poking at you because you’re doing things out of order.
YTA you should have broken up with her already. Instead you’re dragging her along & she doesn’t get if you’re getting married or not or if she can rely on you financially or not. She doesn’t sound like a good person, so you should break up. This limbo isn’t fair to her though.
Calling her a leech is an understatement. Thats a lamprey and you need to gtfo before she takes you to the cleaners and rinses you out. Remember, the “justice” system is anti man. NTA