So my gf F28 and i M28 were talking about how she had to go console her babys dad because he had a rough week and had a mental breakdown.
Ill start from the top, she has a 7 year old daughter with this guy, and they coparent very well, he gets her on weekends and they seemed to get along fine. I never dove too much into their relationship. My gf and I have been dating for 4 or 5 months now. So fairly new, but pretty passionate relationship. We have had our moments, but for the most part its been fairly healthy. I have never met the kid or her father, but we have plans to do both this month.
Cut to today, she tells me she will be busy this afternoon to take her kid over there and console her babys dad because hes going through some shit. Im cool with that, i trust her and shes reassured me there is never going to be anything romantic between them again, and i believe her the way shes talked about it. But she follows that up asking how i feel, and i tell her honestly: im very mildly uncomfortable, but i trust you and know its a very wholesome visit, i am not worried. She said goes on to explain that he is her best friend (which was news to me) and they talk everyday and that she just needs to be there for him etc. I felt a little surprised they were “best friends” and so i reacted accordingly and said that it was a suprise, but again i trust you, but thats not what i expected. The conversation devolved to the point ( i truly dont remember how) where she said like at the end of the day hes so important to her life, that if me and him dont get along then we would not workout. She explained that they made a pact forever ago that whoever significant other comes in to either of their lives, that they would not take priority over their relationship with eachother and how that effects their daughter.
Now i told her that that comment made me feel very insignificant, like pur relationship with eachother was low priority. I explained that what if we ended up getting married? Or what if we had a kid? The thought of this other man having priority of my woman just does not sit right with me. I understand the kid dynamic, i really do. But i feel those thoughts and dynamics should be totally separate. Like pur relationship should be a priority in its own way, and the relationship between them and their kid should be a priority in its own way. They should be separate and not affecting one another at. And eventually i hope thats the case, because we are the ones building a life together. We are the ones looking to get married and have kids of our own, so i hope it gets to the point where that becomes its own priority with no influence from him or anyone else for that matter… she just sort of brushed it off with yea’s, and exclaimed that we aren’t having kids soon anyways, and its still so early in the relationship etc. Which just felt like deflection.
So we finished the conversation in a decent point. But here i am looking for strangers advoce, because i just need perspective and advice. I dont know how i feel, but its clearly still bothering me.
Insecure questions have popped into my head about “if you guys are best friends, and you talk every day, and see eachother all the time, whats stopping them from deciding to try again in the future?” Along with just the simple thought of having any other man be a priority feels just fucked up to me.
Any perspective or comments is greatly appreciated.
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Is this real? You can’t possibly see a future with her?
Your girlfriend is doing the right thing in putting her child and an amicable relationship with her ex as a priority. She’s not saying that she expects the person she’s dating to be the guy’s best friend, but she has a right to expect that y’all will do your best to get along and be polite. There’s no way to keep the relationships separate the way you want, not if there’s any intent to have a blended family. And y’all shouldn’t be discussing marriage at this point – you haven’t even been dating six months yet, so you’re still getting to know each other and learning how you work as a couple. Any real consideration of marriage or other kids needs to be several years off.
So far as your questions about ‘what keeps you from trying again’, I can tell you that my ex is not only one of my best friends, but he’s like a brother. I go to him with my good and bad news, and I love him very much. But he’s completely wrong for me as a partner, and we both know that. Any suggestion that we would ever try again would be met with derisive laughter on both our parts, so it’s very possible to have a good friend that you know is completely wrong for you as a romantic relationship.
This isn’t to completely dismiss your concerns or say that you don’t have a right to your feelings, but I do think you’re putting the cart before the horse and expecting to head straight up the hill. Slow down, take your time getting to know your girlfriend and when you meet the ex, watch with an open mind to see how the two of them interact.
Nah. Four or five months in is the exact time frame where you discover deal-breakers like this. If you stay with this person, you’re going to be an accessory to them; the main relationship. It’s reasonable for her to prioritise her child over her romantic relationship, and that would obviously make the co-parenting relationship a top priority; but him as a person? He should not be her top priority. Of course she can have him as a good friend… but explicitly putting you into second place forever? I wouldn’t agree to that.
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>>She explained that they made a pact forever ago that whoever significant other comes in to either of their lives, that they would not take priority over their relationship with eachother
Sorry, what? They can’t seriously expect their SOs to get along with the ex if they weren’t able to get along with each other well enough not to break a family. This is wild.
She basically told you she has this ‘friend’ (with all the emotional and situational baggage of them having a kid together) and you’re in a relationship with both of them.
Well, no. If a girl imposed a condition that I have to get along with her bff or we’re done, I wouldn’t be able to treat her seriously. If she told me she prioritizes that relationship over ours, I would start looking elsewhere. A romantic relationship is supposed to be the strongest of bonds. You can have good friends, great friends, but nobody expects their friends to endure things partners have to endure when things go south. You instinctively know the difference.
If their relationship takes precedence over any other in their lives they should just get back together. And last but not least, there are plenty of people your age who don’t have kids yet. Why complicate your romantic life from the get go if it’s easy not to?
When I was in this kind of situation, I had to bow out. I dated a man with two children, his ex wife had married the person she cheated with. But his ex was still one of the most important people in his life.
At first, I thought it was a green flag. The love and respect he had for her as the mother of his children, despite their messy divorce, was inspiring. His dedication to his family was one of my favorite things about him.
But as the months started to go on, I realized that every time his ex snapped her fingers, he dropped everything and went running. We made plans for three different outings to introduce me to his kids, and every time at the last minute, he uninvited me and took his ex instead. The last time, he didn’t even bother to uninvite me, he just never showed up and informed me hours later that ex had gone with them instead.
I wasn’t willing to play second fiddle to my boyfriends ex-wife. I didn’t like the idea that my life would be dictated by her comfort levels. I’m grateful every day that he showed me who he was and what his priorities were before I became emotionally invested in his family.
Only you can decide if you’re willing to be the 4th wheel in their baby-makes-three.
She’s absolutely correct and it’s honorable she feels this way. How can she have a strong, successful coparenting relationship for her child if you’re there causing issues? Honestly, there shouldn’t be a question here since you haven’t even met him… so why are you so concerned? Try not to get in your head before you know the guy.
She should absolutely not be with someone who doesn’t get along with the father of her child. That’s signing up for a life’s worth of problems. They’re basically family and you’ve only been around 5 months. If you see a future with her, you will all become family eventually and you should want strong coparenting relationships all around.
Their relationship could be codependent and unhealthy, but it could be all she knows. Expecting her to change her mindset about her ex, who is also a parent to her child, and also having MH problems, 5 months into a new relationship is unrealistic.
Or it could be that this is being seen by you, understandably through the lens of wanting your partner to have limited strings to her ex whom she sees as a best friend and coparent when you want greater separation between them she won’t ever agree to.
This is something that needs a lot more discussion but not immediately. She needs to consider the implications of her words and decide whether a promise made to him is something she is really going to allow to control her whole life.
And she may need therapy. People will rush to point out childhood patterns and conditioning and attachment styles and more, because all of these things will contribute to her mindset and it won’t be easy to change those things, but it is possible if she wants to. Assuming that’s necessary and this isn’t just about incompatibility.
But she has to know yhat creating the movie you want will ruin the relationship with her ex and has to consider her child who should be a bigger priority than you no matter whether you marry or have more children (who should have equal priority to her existing child). That doesn’t mean you won’t be important or a priority but this is a 7 year old who has known nothing but her mum and dad being best friends.
Right now I wouldn’t meet her child or ex, personally I think its too soon for either, especially as you have to consider the impact to a 7 year old for you to be there one day and then maybe not be there another.
Healthy co-parenting is very important. But being best friends with your ex regardless of the kids… No thanks. I don’t want to be the third wheel in my own relationship, so bye and good luck to you both. It sounds like they have some kind of unhealthy dependency on each other and are very emotionally attached. So her ex can say he doesn’t like you for no reason, and she’ll break up with you without hesitation? Or vice versa. I wonder why they broke up in the first place? My advice is to find someone without kids. It won’t end well with her. She’s already told you up front that he’ll always be her priority. Do you want to compete with him? Tomorrow, when it comes time for you to make some decisions together, she’ll say, “My ex doesn’t agree with this and thinks we should do it this way or that way.”
She’s emotionally embroiled with her “ex”.
She’s not ready to be dating anyone else when she prioritizes him, their bullshit pact, his feelings, running to him no matter the cost in her own personal life, and him being her “best friend”, over anyone else in the foreseeable future. This is the opposite of building intimacy and true trust & loyalty. He’s a convenient way to never be able to fully commit to another person. She’s not even ready to examine this — she just wants someone to be ok in this unfulfilling placeholder role while getting her physical / affection needs met. If you’re not ok being indefinitely non-prioritized while she has her cake and eats it too (which you shouldn’t be), you should consider walking away. She ain’t ready.
Don’t issue an ultimatum. Just tell her that you don’t see this as a viable long-term situation.
Let her go.
A good co-parenting relationship is important. You guys being friendly woth each other is preferable.
Her consoling Him because he’s going through some stuff I would be iffy with.
Him being her best friend.. that’s a no for me.
Them making a “pact”.. no.
I would be asking who broke up with who and why is there never a chance for them anymore. Because that’s important.
But everyone has their own boundaries I guess.
OP you’d definitely stick around, guess they’ll need a clown for the child’s bday party.
It’s been 4/5 months? Cut your losses early, op.
Of course, it’s right that she wants to ensure that her child is growing up in a healthy environment where everyone gets along (at least on the surface level).
But, she’s made it clear that you’ll never be a priority in her life. Even if you get married and have children together, too.
Leave her, and find yourself a woman who’ll be able to commit to a future with you. Meanwhile, she can go ahead and either waste some other poor guy’s life, or just get back together with her ex/bestfriend.
As a woman I tell you, she is not ready for a relationship, it seemed more like she wanted to make you jealous even though you told her at the beginning that you trusted her, she kept talking about the father of her child, so it is better to end that relationship.
I’m confused why you’re surprised. It’s the father of her child. Other commenters with more experience have given better advice, so I’ll focus on this little note.
She’s not YOUR woman. You don’t own her, you agree to share a relationship/life with her.
Even if you find another person who prioritizes you 100% (weird, imo, but I can see wanting a bit more than what a woman who already has a child is able to give), she will never be YOUR woman. She’ll be her own person who has decided to share a relationship/life with you. Watch this language, because it belies an underlying view that you might not consciously hold, but is super toxic.
I much prefer the way you said “our relationships should be a priority in its own way,” which recognizes that she will have other relationships that she will prioritize in different ways. Any person you’re in a relationship with will have this – parents, friends, mentors, etc. And yes, sometimes they will clash, and you’ll have to navigate.
Right now, it doesn’t even seem like the priorities have clashed, so I’d stay out of your head and reserve judgment until you meet the dude.
Its clear she is not interested in a new serious partner.
I suggest having a real conversation. How does she expect your relationship to work if she would never prioritise you?
How much times does she spend with her ex and how much for you ?
She probably isnt willing to change, if so break up with her
The ex taking priority over you or any future partner would be a dealbreaker for me. Being friends and good co-parents is great, but their relationship comes first?? No. Not sure I’d continue here.
I would feel like I’m wasting my time after being told I’m essentially always going to be in 2nd place behind her ex. You’ve basically been told that your relationship is secondary to theirs & you’ve been demoted to being the a 3rd wheel in their relationship.
break up with her.
like yo wtf why deal with the hassle?
Run
Dating is to tell whether you’re gonna be compatible or not. You’re only 4-5 months in and you find out you’re not compatible. Break it off
This is a deal breaker for many people.
Break up with her.
As the saying goes: when someone shows (“tells”? Eh 🤷♀️) who they are, believe them the first time.
She’s already told you HE is her priority over you; YOU best be making the effort and get alo g, else shes gonna drop your sss.
The fact that her re/actions around, with and to him would definitely be assumed a couple from the outside looking in…
64
Aaaaaand she is never going to leave him.he will always be a part of her life, MUCH more than a baby daddy/ex that co parentwell and respect eachother. This is a best friend, he needs her, she runs abd confirts, best friends, why AREN’T gf and baby daddy still dating? Don’t remember seeing a reason.
But. Its up to
Her relationship with the baby daddy has an impact on the relationship with the child and so on. It’s important to keep that healthy for the benefit of the child. Don’t start drama with that dude
Run boy run