TLDR: Tonight, my girlfriend ‘F20’ told me ‘M25’ that back in late March, her ex came over to her place to grab some of his things. While he was there, he kissed her—and she said she kissed him back. She told me the kiss lasted about 10 seconds.
We’ve been dating for a year—our anniversary was May 3—so this happened just a little over a month before that.
When she first told me—in person—it sounded like it was just a quick, unexpected kiss that happened to her. I was shocked but trying to stay calm. After she left, I followed up by text to understand the nature of the kiss more clearly.
That’s when she clarified that she had kissed him back and that it wasn’t just a quick peck. She described the kiss as “aggressive,” saying it was “harsh and forceful and fast.”
I asked if it was something he forced or something she went along with, and she said:
“I did go along with it, but it was aggressive. It wasn’t a soft and loving kiss—there wasn’t love or emotion behind it.”
She also said she was caught off guard and didn’t know why she went along with it. She said she didn’t tell me earlier because her cousin told her not to.
I really love her and had serious long-term intentions for our relationship. Now I feel confused and hurt, and I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been through something like this? Can something like this be forgiven, or is it a dealbreaker?
I have my own thoughts but want to know what anyone else thinks about this.
Comments
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Will you be able to trust her going forward?
Uhh yea she’s lying and she’s telling you partial truths now because the guilt is eating at her.
Not telling you is a bit of a red flag but she’s also pretty young. I could see a scenario where she freaked out over a chaotic experience and followed bad advice but honestly, it’s up to you to snuff out her intentions with everything. If you get untrustworthy vibes you might want to end it but if you truly feel like she was just put in a stressful situation and didn’t know how to handle it then maybe things can continue after setting firm boundaries.
I don’t think people would fault you either way.
Well, she obviously feels guilty because she told you about it. If she didn’t she wouldn’t have bothered. There’s that. There is some trickle truth in that for sure though.
Trickle truth. There is more to the story.
Idk if you count to 10 seconds, that’s enough time to push someone off or to back up even caught off guard. An Aggressive kiss is still a kiss no matter what type of kiss. If she didn’t know why she went a long with it, than how can she be honest with herself and her feelings towards you? I think trust would have been built back up but at the end of the day, can you move forward with the relationship without feeling resentment towards the gf?
yeah i think the keywords are “kissed him back” …
They fucked
Sorry to say it brother but it’s so so likely that more shit happened than she’s letting on.
Break up
You’re allowing yourself to be kept in a bad position if you don’t stop asking and just move on
Sad man
two scenarios here
You’re wasting time trying to find out more and justify staying with her. You have enough to leave already. If you want to stay, just accept it and move on. She’s trying to be the victim here. Meanwhile, you are.
I would beat the shit out of that guy and tell her that. (JK, don’t be violent, but that guy who kissed your girlfriend, he deserves a broken nose at least.)
What you do know about her is that she is not trustworthy or faithful, and therefore not a prospect for a serious long term relationship. If she did this once, it will happen again some day. If you are now dating for the purpose of finding the right woman for you long term, then move on to the next option. If you are just interested in her short term for the fun of it, then state a clear boundary and let it go. But be honest with her that you no longer see her as being marriage material.
Did the kids happen during your relationship? I don’t understand the timeline.
Are you familiar with the fawn response? It’s a survival response like fight, flight, and freeze, where the person who feels threatened goes along with the person scaring them, to avoid repercussions. It’s an automatic response, not a thought-out one. The fact that she described the kiss as unexpected and aggressive, and she didn’t know why she went along with it, makes me wonder if her brain kicked into a fawn response in an attempt to keep her safe.
Hello op
From my experience. My partner who I am still with now, in our first year of dating she was very sneaky she actually changed her x’s name in her phone to a woman she worked with, so anytime a txt went off it came up with that woman’s name.
Now when I found out this she said there were just friends and didn’t know how I would react so she lied and did that. It hurt. I kept digging tho and thinking more. I found out more, they met up a few times, but just to talk. Still my gut was going off, something still didn’t feel right about it. Then I found out in the new year 2020 she stayed round his house but slept on the sofa. Nah. Don’t believe it. Come to find out they slept together and it was on multiple times behind my back.
Now what I am saying is she trickled the truth to me. And I had to get to the truth on my own. I should have ended the relationship at that point because she lied and caused all this. I didn’t end it, but should have I wanted to do the right thing and give people second chances ECT but I found that to be fair more difficult. And I suffered for this, my advice, keep digging, slowly if you want more answers I can tell you now there is more to this than just a kiss. Trust me.
Or don’t and split, end of the day she lied and betrayed you. Don’t put yourself through suffering like I did if you don’t need too. Prioritize yourself.
>“I did go along with it, but it was aggressive. It wasn’t a soft and loving kiss—there wasn’t love or emotion behind it.”
Yeah, only bestial passion. No emotion involved.
>Has anyone been through something like this?
And yes…But I was the ex. The difference is she came to my place to get her things.
And we
made lovefuck*d. Like a “goodbye” sex session.Yes, it started with kisses…>Can something like this be forgiven, or is it a dealbreaker?
Depends…If it was only a kiss…I think I can forgive…But the problem is to make sure it was only that.
That can’t be proved…
If you stay with her, any self respect you have will eat you from the insides out.
Cheater Alert – A cheater has been spotted in your life. Please evacuate the relationship for your safety. If you stay, you are just asking for lots more pain.
C’mon, man.
updateme
She has obviously been rehearsing this admission for some time to lessen the blow. Pretending she doesn’t know why or saying it didn’t mean anything is just attempting to remove her own agency from the decision and offload it onto the ex.
She wanted it. She accepted it, she continued it for 10 seconds, then she regretted it and admitted it to you months later while lying by omission about its extent.
Mano si estás pensando en perdonar, está bien, pero te recomendaría q le pidas ver los mensajes entre ella y el, para ver si no hay algo más o solo fue un “accidente” eso te dará claridad y podrás tomar una decisión desde otra perspectiva, ahora sino te los quiere mostrar creo q ahí tendrías tu respuesta, tampoco q te vaya a salir con la mentira q los borro, y si te dice q los borro pedile q lo lleven con un experto en tecnología para q recupere los mensajes, haber cuál es su reacción. Te deseo lo mejor.
Rephrase it to your girlfriend cheated on you with her ex.
Have some self respect. The relationship was tossed in the bin as soon as her ex came over without someone else being present.
I’m sorry this happened to you but she’s not worth it. You will forever have trust issues with her and you deserve someone that will actually respect and love you.
Be blunt and be direct. There is no fixing this.