My gf (F45) and me (M40) have been dating for almost 3yrs. In every other department we get along amazing, the issues we have are our living space. She has 4 kids (ages 11-16) and I have none. Her kids are also good, but both her and her kids have one giant issue. They just don’t have that etiquette to keep a clean or organized home. My place is under construction, I’m doing all the work myself and am slowly getting it done trying to balance all other life responsibilities but I will say my home is quite clean. My kitchen is very organized, everything has it’s place. Even my bathroom and bedroom are quite organized. I even like to take care of my stuff, I value what I have regardless how much I paid for it. Her and her kids are staying the summer with me for the most part, this is a first as I’m typically at her place half the week throughout the year due to her schedule. Her place on the other hand, 15% of the time it might be remotely clean. The rest is typically a mess, kitchen is always a disaster, stuff will fly out of the cabinets, her bedroom typically has piles of clothes. We’ve been having constant fights because I am constantly repeating myself to her and her kids about these issues at my place. Dishes not being cleaned, dragging sand into the house, leaving food out, cleaning yourself outside when coming back from the beach, not putting lids back on the containers, dropping stuff where everyone stands, dropping garbage, not cleaning up scattered food on the counter or floor, etc. She claims and has said her kids also feel the same that my house doesn’t feel homey and they’re walking on eggshells. Her kids also don’t have many responsibilities, but she will claim otherwise. That was a complaint of mine about 1.5yrs ago and she finally started giving them chores around the house, yet she doesn’t enforce it so it’s done whenever is convenient. Today I snapped back at her daughter because she threw her sandy beach towel on my glass dining table, then said my house is surrounded by sand so it’s fine to which I got even more irritated. So I do end up having a tone when I repeat myself over and over again, asking nicely just doesn’t work. Things I’ve said has also led to damage in my house such as scratching my living room floor because of the sand being dragged inside, pooling water on my kitchen counter made it swell up, and just recently her daughter smacked the door on my car chipping the paint. I know it’s being done purposely, but they’re just plain careless at times. My gf will get upset at me with my tone. We have recently started couples counselling but I am honestly not sure it’ll help. We got into another argument today and my gf wasn’t even happy about the stuff I said in counselling. I actually broke up with her a few weeks ago because I was so angry. But I also know how much we both love each other so I chose to work through it instead. Has anyone has any success working through something like this?
TL;DR
-gf (F45) and me (M40) have been dating for almost 3yrs
-we both having different living styles, I like to be clean and organized and her and her kids not so much
-her messy lifestyle is coming to my house and they can’t follow the rules
-we constantly argue about this
-I have a tone at times to which she hates but I’m sick of repeating myself all the time
-we are now in couple’s counselling
-has anyone been successful navigating such an issue?