Hi everyone, I (M, 29) have been with my girlfriend (F, 27) for 6 years, and something happened recently that’s left me really torn.
When my girlfriend is sick or on her period, I’ll admit I’m not the best at being attentive. It’s not that I don’t care, i do but I get wrapped up in work and don’t always think about checking in as much as I should.
A few days ago, she was on her periods, and we ordered food while I was in the middle of a meeting. The delivery was taking forever, so I quickly stepped out to ask if she wanted me to cook something. She said no, just asked me to put rice on so she could make food herself. I did that and went back to my meeting.
Afterward, her tone shifted and she seemed upset. Later, after she’d eaten, I asked if she was mad. She told me she didn’t want to talk, so I respected that and gave her space.
The next morning, I tried again to talk to her. We got into a verbal argument about how I don’t how to care for her – where she was mostly screaming and throwing things and I was listening. She got quite furious and slapped me. I was completely stunned. I just left for the office right after, and we haven’t spoken since (it’s been 3 days).
For context: we’ve been living together for 5 years, and I was hoping to marry her soon. But she’s been delaying marriage, saying I’m not “good enough” in different ways — like not keeping up to a certain standard, not showing love the right way, not knowing how to resolve conflict, etc. I’ll admit, those comments have also led me to not put in as much effort sometimes, because I’m not sure where this relationship is headed.
That said, I do love her and think she’s generally good for me. But I also constantly doubt if I’m really good enough for her.
Now I feel stuck. On one hand, I know I could have been more supportive while she wasn’t feeling well. On the other hand, she slapped me and that feels like a line was crossed.
TL;DR: Been with my GF for 6 years, hoping to marry her but she has doubts about me. Recently, when she was sick and upset, she slapped me in a verbal argument. We haven’t spoken in 3 days. Torn between staying and working it out or leaving because of the physical violence.
Comments
Would you want your female friend/relative to stay with a boyfriend that had slapped them?
Apply the same standard to yourself.
Whilst you may not have been the best partner, she’s been emotionally abusing you and now it’s turned physical. She clearly doesn’t even seem apologetic over it as she hasn’t said anything to you. Just imagine you read this and it was opposite where the guy slapped the girl, there’d be outrage
Sir. Break up. A relationship should build you up not leave you questioning your self worth. And now she’s not just emotionally and verbally abusing you, but also physically.
Leave her. Hitting your partner is never okay, and should never be tolerated. It’ll only get worse.
Time to go. That’s a bell you can’t un-ring.
Sounds like she was already emotionally abusive and is now escalating to physical abuse, please leave. She’s not good for you.
Leave, immediately. Physical violence is never okay. She’s also verbally abusive. Either she can’t control herself because she’s too immature, or she can and she’s doing it anyway. Neither option is good for you and either option is a person who should be in a romantic relationship.
She was screaming, throwing things and then physically assaulted you. Yes, you should leave her. Never accept abuse in any form. There are no excuses for this. She is an adult and needs to learn to regulate her emotions.
I say this as someone with a uterus, who is in peri-menopause and has hellish periods. No excuse! She is abusive!
Leave. Do not marry her. There’s no excuse for abuse from either side and it sounds like she is escalating.
She is abusive. Break-up. Once someone gets physical, there is no going back. She has crossed a boundary.
Time to go champ, she looks unstable as hell it isn’t going to get any better without some serious therapy. And you don’t want to wake up some morning looking at the point of a gun or feeling a knife between your ribs because she can’t control herself. Arguments can be resolved without physical violence, it’s time to leave before something really tragic happens.
She’s keeping you around for a reason but it’s not for marriage. You both appear to be comfortable with being uncomfortable. If she doesn’t think that you’re good enough then let her find someone who is. Any kind of abuse is a deal breaker.
Nah that’s an instant break up. If after completely losing respect for you and slapping you she hasn’t reached out to apologize or even try to talk for 3 days that literally means that she does not give a shit, doesn’t have remorse over it and probably don’t feel guilty and thinks she is in the right.
A couple’s relationship only works if both want it, if one of them don’t, there’s no point in the other one even trying.
And also, that’s the maximum disrespect, slapping or getting physical with your partner no matter the reason is NEVER justifiable, once respect is lost in a relationship it will only escalate to worse situations.
In your shoes I’d go over to the place while she isn’t there, grab my shit and just move on without saying a word.
The slap should just be the button on the entire case for packing your bags. She clearly needs therapy, expectations of living and loving her to a standard of her choosing… If she doesn’t love the authentic you, no amount of time or effort is going to change that. She sounds both exhausting and frustrating and I wouldn’t be trying to hard to figure out how to stay.
Physical violence is never okay
Wow, thats rough. Physical violence is never okay, even if emotions are high. Have you guys tried couples therapy? Maybe that could help you both communicate better.
Tbh I’d rather a slap than hurtful words, words stay with you
This is escalation.
If you stay, this won’t be the last time she hits you.
She was already ripping you down and screaming, and since you didn’t leave she’s kept going. The ONLY way to stop this is to leave. You need to protect yourself.
If you have any texts of her talking badly to you, or anything where you discuss her screaming, screenshot them now and send them to a trusted friend or family. If you don’t have one, email them to yourself. If you have any physical bruising or cutting from the slap, go to any hospital and ask that the damage be recorded.
Before leaving, lock your credit and secure any documents like birth certificate or socisl security card. If there’s anything sentimental in the home that it would hurt you to see damaged, remove it before breaking up. She is INCREDIBLY likely to lash out once she knows you’re leaving, and these steps limit the damage she can do.
Either break up by text, or have someone else with you when you do. Keep it simple – the relationship is over, I’m done, nothing you can say will change my mind.
She will promise you everything you’ve ever wanted to hear. Don’t listen. Walk away.
As a woman who has HORRIBLE periods, there is zero excuse for her behavior. She knows her cycle comes every month and it’s her responsibility to deal with it. If it’s too much for her, then she should be seeing a specialist to deal with the side effects and improve her quality of life. It doesn’t give her a blanket excuse to verbally or physically abuse you.
You need to leave her op. This isn’t okay and there is no justification.
Brother, no, she is NOT ‘generally good for you’– not by a mile. Someone that loves you and cares about you would support you, lift you up, and make you feel special. This woman does the exact opposite of all that.
Leave.
That’s assault.
You stay and you are quietly telling her that hitting you is acceptable.
Be sure to document via text to her WHY you are leaving. But do it in the form of questions.
“Why did you slap me? We were having a discussion.”
Once you have her admitting she slapped you, and declare that you’ve never done anything to her like that, and have always been respectful…
THEN you break up with her.
Fuck that.
Her period or when she’s sick bullshit.
She said, I don’t know how to take care of her. Dump her and Tell her to take care of her own childish self.
She’s already broken you down if you are asking this question. Time to take care of yourself. Time to say goodbye. This is abuse.
Your girlfriend is toxic.
Having a period isn’t fun, but it’s not a debilitating disease (some women suffer more than others, and if your girlfriend is suffering more than what is normal, she should see a doctor or consider birth control).
Long story short, believe it or not, people can take care of themselves when they’re sick. Your girlfriend is being manipulative and cruel. And then she finally physically abused you. Time to end the relationship and move on to someone who deserves you.
She’s not a child and doesn’t need you to baby her just because she’s on her period. I am a woman with pretty bad periods btw.
Yelling and throwing things is bad enough to leave. The fact that she hit you and tells you that you’re not good enough is disgusting. Please have some self-respect and leave. There are women out there who won’t treat you like that.
When a relationship escalates to violence, more than likely this will happen again, and again and again. The violence will continue to escalate as well. People who don’t respect their partner from day one will never change. You will always be a let down and not good enough, can you raise a family with someone like that? You need to date and see how to be respected, cherished and valued in a relationship. This is not it.
Once it’s become physically abusive, it’s time to permanently terminate the relationship
I would never encourage anyone to continue a relationship with a partner that yells at them, throws things, and attacks them. Even one of those things is enough for me to tell someone to leave, yet she does all three. Total red flag behavior.
Apparently, YOU don’t know how to resolve conflict, yet she slapped you? Sure, I can imagine you can do better–we all can–and nobody’s perfect, but it sounds like she’s toxic and clearly not happy, anyway. I would break up, so you can both find people who suit you better.
You should have left her when she said you weren’t good enough to marry.
Inexcusable. Unforgivable. Leave now and don’t go back.
This one seems tough, OP. There’s a few factors here that make it nuanced.
Six years is a long time. You clearly love her and you’ve spent a long time with her, so you see the value in staying and a big part of you thinks it may be worth it. You have a deep emotional connection no matter what happens at this point. Keep in mind, that may blind you to things you need to see about her. Take off the rose-tinted glasses and really look objectively at the situation.
It could have been a one time thing. Maybe she was more stressed than she’s ever been in her life and she doesn’t intend to do that again and maybe she never really did anyways, maybe it just happened and she feels horrible.
One thing that absolutely needs to happen that you absolutely should not compromise on; she needs to talk to you. She needs to communicate and she also needs to apologize. If she’s not willing to talk and own up to hurting you, unfortunately OP I think for your own health and safety in the long run, you should leave her. It will hurt but you can’t let anyone treat you that way, not even if you think you love them. I love my fiancee so much but if she ever started to feel that it was okay to hurt me just because she’s upset, I would put myself first.
I’m also speaking from experience, I was in an abusive relationship in the past, and it didn’t start out abusive. These things develop over time. Please be careful and considerate of your own needs, no matter what you do. Good luck.
Buddy, I say this with all the kindness and empathy I can. Leave. She keeps telling you that you aren’t enough but I suspect no matter what you do or say, it will NEVER be enough. Be enough for yourself and give yourself the respect and kindness, and love, she never will. You’ll be sad and this will be difficult but eventually you will wonder how you allowed yourself to be so mistreated. End it, don’t speak to her after because she will manipulate and guilt you to stay.
I would leave, I’m not accepting of domestic violence.
Only gets worse from here OP. I know too many men stuck in abusive relationships because they stayed after the first slap/hit
I told my now wife after a year of dating that if she hit me once that’d be it no excuses or anything I’d up and leave. Been married 13 years and haven’t even had a shouting match. I wouldn’t stay with her if she physically assaulted me as I’d be thinking to myself “ when’s the next time and will it be worse “ plus do you have enough composure to not hit her back if it got too far physically with her hitting you ?