My GF of 13 years has been shifting her priorities and has become a hypocrite. I need feedback

Hello everyone, I’m seeking advice and perspective about my relationship with my girlfriend of 13 years. Long story short, we met this guy online around 2020—he was good at a game my partner and I played. At the time, he was in high school and we were both in college. He’s from Canada, we’re in the U.S. There were many times I couldn’t play due to work and school, so she played with him often.

Years passed and now, in the present, we’re having serious issues. Her behavior changed drastically after a trip to South America. She’s become distant since August of last year. Whenever we have disagreements, I’m always the one reaching out and trying to reconnect. We had started to stabilize, but I kept noticing things—like after her trip and her friend’s visit to the U.S., she began going to clubs and drinking occasionally. She told me nothing ever happened and that she was just dancing with her girlfriends, saying that’s normal. I want to believe her because I love and want to trust her.

I helped her through college—she got her bachelor’s degree with my support—but she doesn’t want a 9-to-5. She prefers to spend time doing what she loves, which is gaming online with others, and she’s built a small audience from that.

Back to the online friend. Over the years, she’s kept talking to him—and I knew that. But it started cutting into our time together. She texts him constantly: in the car, at restaurants, during movies, etc. When I brought it up, she said he’s her “DUO” (gaming buddy) and that their bond is like a brother-sister relationship. I didn’t let it ruin my feelings for her.

From early on, she made it clear that our relationship should be built on trust, no omissions, no flirting, no porn—anything like that was cheating in her eyes. I agreed and held myself to that standard. I worked in healthcare surrounded by women and never crossed boundaries.

But a few days ago, I found message exchanges between her and this guy that shattered my understanding of our boundaries. These are some examples:

[Sample Messages]
Her: “I love uuuu”
Him: “I love you too my duo 💗”
Her: “Where are your beautiful green eyes? I didn’t sleep well. I kept thinking. I love you. A lot.”
Her: “I’m submissive, my duo 💋”
Him: “Did you want a bedtime story, bonita?”
Her: “I love and care for you so much… I’m here for you 💗”
Her: “Bro, I love you so much. I didn’t even get a chance to ask him to apologize yet. He beat me to it.”

This kind of emotional exchange goes on for months. I brought it up and asked how she would feel if I said this stuff to another girl. She said it would be fine—if I’d known the girl for years. But this goes against what she originally told me: no new female friendships, no flirty behavior.

Now she says she didn’t mean those messages seriously and that she’s sorry. I feel like she’s only sorry because she got caught. When I asked her why she said all that, she responded, “I knew you would get like this.” So why say it at all?

She insists this isn’t cheating. But I feel betrayed and confused. I’ve followed her rules for 13 years, stayed loyal, and supported her in everything. I don’t understand how this is okay to her.

Please, especially from women—can anyone give me insight? Is this emotional cheating? Am I overreacting? I really need clarity.

TL;DR