It’s 12:30 AM, my gf’s dad died an hour ago and I asked if she wanted me to come see her.
She said “That’s sweet, don’t you work tomorrow? I’m on my way back from the hospital. Id love to see you. It’s okay if you’re too tired or have too much going on.”
I said “Yeah but at 9 instead of 7- I’ll come over when you are ready just let me know”
She said “I’m home, feeling pretty nauseous. Stay home and rest for me and if I can see you tomorrow after your shift that’d be nice. I love you and appreciate you”
I said “I have to work tomorrow after my shift, I picked up a shift at (other job). Take care of yourself, I love you”
She said “Okay, hopefully I’ll see you the day after then. Good for you, that’s a lot. Thank you”
Should I insist on going to see her anyway? She’s been wanting to see me before this happened. Or just leave it? She asked earlier today before this, but I couldn’t. So idk
Comments
Yeah just go
Just go. She’s in a completely surreal space right now
Better to go than not, if only to be physically present and give some comfort and just listen.
Go over and see her. Be there for her and show her that you are there for her, even if you’ll be tired tomorrow, that she is a priority. Losing a loved one can be a rough time, make this time slightly easier for her and being a support for your partner
Go See Her. Hold her hand and listen.
Disclaimer to make it clear I don’t know the context and details. My thoughts on this are coming from a place of support, any assumptions that are wrong is not meant negatively.
Imo, a grieving and potentially shocked person is seldom fit enough to think clearly on decisions like this.
If it were me I’d show up, hug her and leave if she then said she would see me later.
Showing up says a lot, even if it’s just for a minute and she sends you away. I guarantee she’ll be grateful.
Also, with all due respect, can I assume your job can be done whilst a bit tired? Unless there’s situations not shared here yet that wouldn’t allow for it, surely you can comfort your grieving girlfriend and catch up on sleep tomorrow?
Of course you need to go and give her a hug. What kind of question is this.
If you love her, take a day and console her. If you don’t then go to work.
Go see her man
My suggestion? Go over, but take a book, laptop, or whatever else you need to keep yourself busy and out of her way. Act like being there isn’t this big act of love, it’s just the obvious, normal, thing to do (the point being: make it as abundantly clear as you can that being there for her doesn’t make her a burden, so she can actually let go and take advantage of you being there).
It sounds like she wants to see you so I would go. After my husband passed away, I didn’t want to see anyone, but this doesn’t sound like that.
This seems like a situation where you can call off work. Go see her
Go see her tonight. Right now. Just go. She’s being polite but really wants you there. Don’t let time pass by. Sorry for her loss. It’s a tough time and I hope you guys can be there for each other. A lot of emotions will come from this. Just love her.
I’d go anyway, even if just to give her a hug and see if she needs anything practical taking care of. Put no pressure on her, if she’s not up for talking, that’s fine. If she’s not up for seeing you for a long time, you just wanted to stop by and check on her in person. She may be feeling all sorts of stuff but as someone who has been through this, you remember who showed up for you.
Being proactive is the choice here. It would be cool if you help with organisation of funerals too, btw. Don’t ask if you may help, be proactive
This is an important life lesson – listen closely:
ALWAYS go in an emergency like this. You just go. Bring a backpack with quick snacks and water and a sweatshirt and get to the person who needs you. Whatever is next can be figured out together, even if it’s “thanks but I really want to be alone”. What matters is you. showed. up.
Don’t ever make bullshit like your schedule someone else’s problem in an emergency. People experiencing crisis, trauma, loss, deep feelings should not have to do the mental gymnastics of dealing with YOUR shit like the times and places you will be in the future and whether decisions are good or bad. Figure it out discreetly on your own. Do not mention it.
Go. Go now.
Poor girl is just trying to not be a burden to you. It might be hard for her to accept help. Just drop by anyway with chocolate and a hug.
OP I was your girlfriend a few years ago. When I lost my dad, my ex (bf at the time) was completely useless in the situation. He acted like nothing happened and was as comforting as a wet towel, it was so disappointing. I will never forget how unsupported I felt, and it made me come to resent him massively.
Just go and offer a hug, she will be in shock right now and take awhile to start feeling the reality of it all. Bring her/her family dinner for the next few days, flowers, chocolate, a card. Anything to make sure she knows you are there for all of them.
I’d genuinely consider cancelling your shift(s) tomorrow. I’d be pissed if my bf went to work as if nothing ever happened, her entire world has changed from this moment on. I get that you need to think about yourself too, but taking one day off work is going to mean a lot to her right now.
The worst part when you lose your dad/someone close to you, is people asking what you need. DON’T ASK. JUST GIVE. We had lots of people straight up leaving meals on our doorstep, helping with gardening, grocery shopping, cleaning, etc. All the sort of stuff when you are grieving you’re not just going to be like “hey actually yeah can you go get me xyz for dinner?” Honestly, just do anything right now, but DO NOT say the sort of shit that you won’t see her for 2 days because of work. That gets you the terrible boyfriend award.
Dude. Go. She wants & needs support from you right now. Might consider calling in for work tomorrow as well if necessary.
Good luck man
She’s grieving and probably doesn’t want to feel like a burden. You did the right thing , show support without pressure. She’ll remember that.
Just show up, with food. Don’t ask questions, just let her be, but be present with her.
Is this really a question?
Yes. Go there right now.
Go, 100% go. I lost a family member suddenly last month, and I still dont have words to describe the state of disassociation I was in. My house could be burning down and I don’t think I would have even reacted. I could not care less whether I was alone or with someone else or hot or cold or hungry or tired or anything.
However, in the coming weeks, I truly began to break down and begin processing my grief. That is when I felt like I needed people to talk to, to cry to, to be there for me. Luckily, my support people had been with me the entire time, a steady presence that created a safe place for me to mourn when I was ready.
Every person grieves differently, so let her take the lead. For example, I barely spoke to anyone for weeks, while my mom wanted to talk about the death immediately and often. See what your girlfriend needs and meet her there. I really feel like mourning is one of those situations where less is more because truly no words or actions have the power to ease that initial agony. You just have to let it run its course and be by her side throughout it.
I also feel compelled to note that grieving can be a super long process. Everyone checks in on you those first few days and shows so much sympathy… but in a few weeks, people expect you to live normally, and you feel like you’re still neck deep in water. Things will probably be difficult for a long time. I can be having a perfectly good day and then suddenly grief rears its head and I feel devastated all over again. Lots of ups and down for me still, and I don’t forsee it ending anytime soon.
My sincerest condolences to your girlfriend and her family. I truly wish everyone as much peace as possible during this time.
I’d go and bring some flowers. Tell her you love her and reassure her you’re there for her. She would appreciate it.
This is where you go and you call in sick, no questions sir.
Dude go.
She is going to need somebody to hold on to tonight and that is your job as a boyfriend.
When I lost my Nanna (most important person in ny life) my husband just had to hold me for hours while I wiped my snot all down his shoulder.
This is the raw ugly side of love.
Just see her and stop giving her irrelevant details. Bring food but don’t insist if she doesn’t feel like eating. Whatever she feels or wants or does, accept it but just BE THERE.
LEAVE RIGHT NOW…
Don’t say excuses, don’t bring up schedule and work load etc…
Just go..
Be there for her.
Just go give her a hug.
As someone who pushed a significant other away when I lost a parent. Be there for her, I said I was ok but I wasn’t, I said I didn’t need them, but I did. I just didn’t want to be a burden on them, and it cost me the relationship.
Now I’m not saying the same thing will happen here, but I would definitely make time to be with her.
Go… don’t hesitate. She is not able to make any decision. Show up for her!
I would go
Go. Bring food. Go now. She’s never been here before & has no idea what she’s saying (that’s what the chatter about your work schedule is) — but she needs your support.
Is she with her mom and other family? Bring lots of food and be quietly supportive & helpful. This is about her and her mom’s grief.
Ring up your job and tell them there’s been a family emergency and you wont be coming in for your next shift.
Go.
I was calm the day my dad died, all day. But when I went to bed and realized he wasn’t going to be there tomorrow, I bawled my eyes out, uncontrollably, and my now husband was there to just hold me and just be there.
Go. I will always remember the people who simply rocked up for me when my dad died.
Is this a joke? Like are you trolling here? Your girlfriend’s dad has died mate. Tell work you can’t come in and put your whole energy into distracting her, cheering her up, wherever it takes.
Go, but with purpose.
Get her food, get her in the shower, get her to bed, then decide whether you stay or go home. Don’t just float around to e there for her, she’s having a bad day and in situations like those self care goes to hell, so you’ve got to be her self care.
Idk don’t you just want to support your girlfriend?
She 10000 percent wants to see you but think it will burden you as you have to work the next day.
Stop agreeing with her and just go. She literally said “I’d love to see you”
Are you 15? Is this your first relationship? Bro, go over there. She’s being kind and considerate. Show you care and get your ass over. She wants to know you care without her sounding needy.
You can’t cancel that extra shift you picked up after your original job? It’s pretty special circumstances. I think she will really need you tomorrow evening.
When people experience grief they sometimes don’t know what to do, and some people resort to not being a nuisance.
Go to her, she will be grateful even if now she doesn’t know how to feel
Don’t say anything actions are louder than words. She’s most likely trying to stay strong for not just her but for any siblings if she has them and trying to stay strong for her mother . That was the case with me j just lost my father a few months ago. I’m older and married so it’s different but my younger sister did express to me her disappointment in her boyfriend who didn’t do more. You obviously love her very much imo show her and be there it will help and mean alot
I would call out on both jobs and go be with her as much as she wants. This is a moment for you to be there for her. No doubt, she was in shock when you spoke. As the grief sets in, she may or may not want you there every minute, but you can be available whenever she needs you for the day.
Honestly, the only circumstance where it’s understandable that you don’t go in the face of this exchange is if you’ve been together less than 3 months and a one-way trip takes hours.
Yes. Go.
Bro fuck work go see her
Lost my dad 6 years ago and my mom 7 weeks ago, all I wanted was for my partner to just be there and hold me.
Take the choice away and just show up for her. Best to be there to show support for the tough times.
Go over. She needs you. She might not realise it yet, but she does. Everything will be feeling surreal for her at the moment and she won’t know what she wants or needs. Just go over. She’s in for a really rough long ride, be there for her through every step. Please don’t rush her into being ok. She’s not and she won’t be for a long time.
My partners mum was passing away. He told me not to worry I didn’t need to come. I booked a flight, told my boss, and got there the day before. I was then there the following day with him when she passed. I am so thankful I did, as was my partner, who understandably was not ok. It’s made us massively stronger.
Go to see your GF.
She will remember the first hours after the death of a loved one for the rest of her life. You need to be in her memories.
Bring her something to eat. Something that will go down easy.
Be there for her. You don’t even have to do anything. I’m guessing that she may just lay on your shoulder and start processing her loss.
Go see her.
My man, whatever reason she’s saying you need to realize something about life– in situations like this you do not ask to come. You just show up.
I guess this is naive but son why TF are you ASKING her if you should show up, it’s her dad! Who just died! Don’t ask grieving people things. Just DO. When my grandma passed away, I was sad but obviously my mom took it really hard. I didn’t ask her if she wanted to eat something, she would have just said no or whatever. I just made a meal and handed it to her, and kept doing it till she felt better. The house was messy at the time and I didn’t ask her if cleaning would make her feel better I just did because at least that was one less thing for her to worry about.
I don’t think you mean it maliciously but this is like a d’oh moment. I can’t believe an adult could be asking this. Get out there and be there for her.
Call in sick. Spend the day comforting her.
Go . 100% go . Just hold her and if she wants to talk let her
Go.
Even if you go and just give her a 30 minute hug and let her fall apart in your arms and then leave it will mean everything to her!
I have a friend who, every time me or someone in my family is in emergency, shows up with a backpack of water and snacks. She does it for other friends too. Not intrusive, just there if you need something. Hug, coffee, a ride, your pets fed. So comforting.
My mom died last year. I had no idea what was really going on for the first few days, I was completely confused and out of it. Every small decision was stressful, every question was annoying, I struggled to process basic day to day things. What really helped was my partner just doing stuff for me automatically, just giving me food and drinks, going places with me, giving me a hug etc. Don’t ask, just do it.
You should go. Death is non changeable
Go dude. I was 19 when my dad died. Those that showed up really fuckin carried me through. Just be there. You don’t have to say anything. Hold her.
You shouldn’t have asked. You should have gotten in your car and driven over right away.
Do that now.
She tries to be considerate of your schedule. She doesn’t have to.
It depends on how long you’ve been seeing each other as well and what other people she has for support, as well as if she lives with her parent(s) or alone.
What’s important is that she gets support from people around her, and what matters is if you’re the support she needs the most or not, which depends on the paragraf above.
You don’t ask at times like this. You just go. And you don’t ask to leave as well. You stay.
GO. Even if just to give her a hug if she really doesn’t want company. And so she knows you are someone who will drop everything for her when it’s important. Just be with her as long as she needs you even if it’s just to physically be present for her. I’m really sorry for her loss. I’m much older than her and it was awful when my dad died of cancer. The death of a parent is so hard.
Honestly, in situations like this, sometimes it’s better not to ask and just show up. Not in a big or dramatic way, but with something small like food or tea. That way, you’re not forcing closeness, but offering presence.
It gives her two options without pressure: she can either say thank you and stay alone, or say come in. Either one is fine, because she didn’t have to ask for help or make a decision when she’s overwhelmed.
Bringing something also creates a natural reason to show up. You can just say: I just wanted to drop this off for you and then either stay or go. It shows you care, without making it about you, and leaves no awkwardness if you leave right after.
It’s not about solving anything it’s just about being quietly there.
She was just being nice, the correct answer was to go over and not take her words at face value.
Just go over. Just say you are checking in on her and are happy to go away again if she wants to be alone but that you are happy to stay too. Then you’ll have done what you can without being pushy.
Of course you should go. She needs you.
Lost my Father back in October and my best friend drove to my house the next day picked me up and had a sleepover at his place and hung out pretty much the whole day.
It’s different for everyone but that gesture and time together saved me.
OP, the next few days / weeks are going to be a blur for your GF. When my dad passed, I was so worried about taking care of my mom and my kiddo that I just pushed down all those emotions that normally would have come out at the funeral. They all came out at once when I was driving home from work a few weeks later, and I suddenly just started sobbing to the point I couldn’t see to drive and had to pull off the road.
During all those times what, I remember most is my husband was just there and it was comforting. He’d sit with me in the evenings, sometimes just in silence because I had nothing I wanted to talk about, but I didn’t want to be alone. Be there for your GF in the coming days. Go to the funeral and be at her house whenever you can. Come pick her up and take her for a drive, and if she doesn’t say much, just reassure her that you’ll be there for her. Having someone that she can rely on will be crucial, because she just lost one of the people who’s been there her whole life. I’m sorry for your GF’s loss. You both are in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope you went. Right now, the important thing is to sit there quietly with her. You don’t have to have the words or even any other actions.
My friend just showing up when my grandmother died meant the world to me. And she didn’t have to do anything more. Just be there beside me while I cried and tried to process everything.
Just go be there.
Bring her something and then tell her you have to leave, if she asks you to stay then stay. If she doesn’t then leave.
Be a real bf and go over now
What on earth are you doing? GO!!
Go and give her a hug and let her know you care. If she needs to cry, hold her. If she needs to talk, listen. If she needs to rest, tuck her in bed and tell her to call/text if she needs anything. You don’t have to stay a long time if you need to go home and go to bed yourself. But just show up. After a crisis people remember who showed up for them. The fact that you’re asking us shows you genuinely care and you want to do the right thing. You won’t regret going but you probably will regret not going.
go there now wtf
Yeah you show up to stuff like this. Even if you have to pull and all nighter and main line caffiene to get through your next shift.
She may want you to stay, she may just appreciate you showing up and ask you to leave so she can be alone. Either way it will mean a lot to her that you are present for her so she can decide what she needs in the moment.
Losing a parent is mind numbing don’t make it put you in a time slot. Show up with some comfort items and be a safe space. A text message will not comfort her.
Go bring her some food bro. That’s what people in my community do when someone’s loved one passes
Go see her, she doesnt know how to answer with a direct yes
Go anyway and call out of work. You should be there for her when she probably doesn’t have the mental energy to think of anything else right now
Go over!
She will remember either your presence, or your absence, for the rest of her life.
Drop off food and flowers, ask if she needs anything, and follow her request. The idea is to be helpful without requiring or implying that you want anything in return.
I’d suggest going, unless your job is something you need to be like hyper locked in for and safety is a concern. You won’t regret being a bit tired for supporting your gf but she might remember being left alone in a time of need.
You are so dense! Get your butt over there or you’ll never hear the end of it. Just don’t overstay your welcome!
Go. Just go.
She’s overwhelmed by Grief and sadness with the loss of her Father. Go to her if you care for her in anyway.. your not going to be pushy… bethere and support her… tell your managment. skip your shift just be there for her… she’ll remember that in the future.
If you don’t she’ll remember that too… as will you when you lose a parent.
When my dad passed, my then girlfriend lived 4 hours away. He died at 9pm. She showed up to my door at 11am. I never knew how much I needed that in the moment, it was an air of normalcy in chaos. She didn’t say anything, didn’t press me to talk, she was just there. We’ve been married ten years this summer. Go.
Go and bring food
If I was you I’d be calling in sick for your second shift and picking up some sweet treats on the way over to see her (or whatever her comfort food is).
I lost my dad during the pandemic. I felt so incredibly alone in that time. I wanted to be held so badly. Please hug her for me. Get her to stay hydrated. This is when the “Tetris effect” would help. Encourage her to schedule breaks from thinking about it.
My condolences 💐
You don’t ask. You go.
This is one of those situations where you don’t even ask. You drop everything and you show up.
She absolutely want you there
Buddy. She doesn’t want to have to tell you to come see her on the worst day of her life. You already dropped the ball by not rushing to her side as soon as you found out what is going on. Get in the car and GO. From my experience losing close family members is that you don’t forget who was there for you and who wasn’t.
Call into work and just go. Be there for her.
And this part is REALLY important. DO NOT BE ANOTHER THING SHE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW. I don’t know your dynamic, but just take care of things for her right now. Don’t wait to be asked. Don’t wait for her to realize she needs to do something. Be proactive and just do it. Is it lunch time? Make her lunch. Dirty dishes? Wash them. Grab some groceries.
It can be really hard to sit with someone and help them process their emotions. You can only hug them and tell them “it’ll be okay” so many times. But taking the little burdens of every day life off their plate is something you can solve. It’s easy and it’s something that will make a difference.
All I can say is after my Mum died, my (now) husband drove a seven hour round trip to come and give me a hug. He arrived at 11pm and got up before 6 to drive back to work the next day (said he would start late). I didn’t ask him to, and I didn’t think I needed him to (I had my brother, SIL, and brother’s best friend on hand) but I later realised it meant the world to me.
Go, and call in to your jobs tomorrow.
It’ll take about two weeks to really hit her. You need to be available then.
You don’t remember everything that happens. But you remember the people who showed up.
In person. A call.
‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here’.
Just…. ‘be’.
bro just go , this is the one moment that ur presence there will mean something
Just go.
When my dad died, i wanted to be alone but not by myself. I wanted a quiet should to lean and cry on. I didn’t want to ask someone to come over because i didn’t want to seem needy, but i was in need.
The pressure from an arm around you is good at calming (hence weighted blankets) and soothing. You don’t have to say anything, just be.
Go. If when she sees you she is upset then tell her to call when she is ready.
But, I don’t think this will be the case. She is trying to be strong. You can tell her she can be strong for everyone else, but do not hide it from you.
Go see her
Her dad died dude. It doesn’t matter what she’s saying, she’s being nice. Go.
Just go. In high trauma situations like this making her ask you to come is just putting another load on her already full plate.
The night before my dad died my sisters and I all came home from the hospital and both their boyfriends were waiting for us (I’m single). They knew the code to our garage and they’d gone in and taken the dog for a walk, fed the cats and put dinner on. Even for me it was the most meaningful thing knowing there were people there to support us.
Just go. Her brain is literally not itself right now, she’s in a total shock and fog. Just go and be there for her, and try to avoid asking “what can I do” and just do it instead. Try to help.
Honestly, I wouldn’t even say anything. Id just show up. Let her know that you’re there for her and that nothing has to be said but that you’re there. She might not realize how much she may need you. Just my thoughts on it
She’s not vacillating, she just doesn’t want to make any demands on you. Go see her. Ask her if she needs anything. She’ll probably say no. Look around if you see something that needs done, do it. I hope you all the best
My mom died recently and I told my boyfriend he was okay not coming by immediately. He insisted on calling off of work and coming anyway. I didn’t realize how much I needed him until he was there.
Why ask her to make the decision, she’s already got a lot on her mind. Be a big boy and make your own decision which btw is completely obvious.
This is got to be fake, right? How is the answer not clear. She lost her dad, dude. Go!
just go! it’s a death, take the time off work, your support means more than just another day of work
I’d go see her, I rather apologize for going then not going and feeling shitty about not being there for her.
Trust me as a woman, she wants you to go. This is one of the most painful events of her lifetime, she wants you to come, she needs you to come. You will create a rift if you don’t – because as women society has waterboarded us into not being too “needy” so we won’t say what we need or want sometimes. Especially if we’ve had failed attempts before or don’t believe you will come – sparing our own feelings. Trust me, when you think you should do something and the woman says no – in instances like this it’s better to just do it anyway. Even if it’s just taking food and leaving after a couple minutes. No that doesn’t give permission for anyone to stalk – if a woman says leave me alone, leave her alone. But if she’s saying “don’t you have to work” she’s simply saying I don’t think I’m a priority to you right now (show me otherwise).
You should be calling off work and going there, yes. What the fuck I know this is “no stupid questions” but this is a stupid fucking question. Your response to finding out her dad died should have been “Where are you right now? I’m coming there.”
YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS OVER THERE
She can’t make a decision, her dad just died. You need to make the decision. You know the right thing to do. Go get her favorite coffee and a snack and stop by.
Please go see her.
No. Go see her. She needs support.
Your girlfriend’s dad died?
Son, you go.
You bring a change of clothes and a toothbrush, and you stay in that house to do dishes, cook, clean, drive people around, all that. You wake up to make the coffee for everybody. You have breakfast on the table for everybody without being asked. You make sure everybody’s car has gas in it. You bring packages inside. You walk the dog. You make sure that the inevitable visitors have clean towels and toiletries. Scrub down that bathroom to get ready for visitors. Clean up the backyard and get it ready for the kids who will come over with the extended family.
You go and you stay and you do things in the background to help run the house until someone tells you to go home. You ask for nothing. You give and you give and you give for a few days. And never ever ask for a thank you.
The kindest take I’ve ever heard on this was when a man’s lifelong friend’s daughter died, he drove to the friend’s neighborhood then texted, “I’m parked down the street just reading a book. If you need anything-food, drink, an errand run, someone to talk to, anything-text or call and I’ll help. You’ve been there for me, I’m here for you.” Just knowing there’s someone there unconditionally has got to be uplifting.
When someone is dealing with a lot, do not give them another decision to make (e.g. “what do you want to eat? Do you want me to come over?)
Instead make is a statement: I am coming over, you should not be alone! I am getting you Burgers!
Run by and take her something small like a coffee or candy she,likes,etc. don’t stay long. She will have lots of calls and different things she needs to do. If she wants you to stay she will tell you.
Call off everything that you can and go over there.
This is likely the worst day of her life
You don’t have to be there long. My dad died in the middle of the night last year. All I wanted was a hug and arms to cry in for a bit. Then I needed some space. I was so exhausted.
To much talking, go see your girlfriend. When those things happen you dont call, you show up.