Hey,
I’m looking for advice from people who don’t have a complicated past or aren’t super open in the sense of sleeping with everyone they find attractive or having a messy history.
So basically, I (23M) was on vacation in Spain, and one day I met a girl (21F) who lives about 3 hours away from where I live. It was a party vacation for both of us (my first one — I had only been to a club once before). We danced, everything went smoothly, and then we kissed. I was a virgin, and in the end, I took her back to the hotel. We had a long, nice night together. It was her last day there.
I texted her on WhatsApp the next day, which I now think was a big mistake. But we couldn’t stop messaging each other — all day, every day. After 3 days, I told her I’d like to see her again. We met up a week later, and then started meeting almost every week. After 4 months, we became a couple.
One day, we were watching reels on her phone and I said, “I want to read what you wrote to your friends about me that night, after what we had.” She laughed and said, “No, it’s embarrassing,” but eventually said yes.
The first chat was okay. She said: “That was exactly what I needed (3 hours of sex).”
Then the next chat was with her best friend Clara. She said: “Let me tell you about the guy, I can’t say everything now” (she was on the bus going home).
Clara asked: “Is he good-looking?”
My girlfriend replied: “He’s okay. But the French guy (someone she met 2 days before me) was more my type, sweeter.”
Then Clara sent a running emoji sticker, and my girlfriend replied: “But this guy was really a gentleman, he took care of us the whole time. The French guy was just sweeter.”
When I read that, I was shocked. We talked about it, and she said she didn’t mean it that way and didn’t think we’d ever see each other again.
I couldn’t get over it. I asked her what she had with the French guy. She told me they met at night and hung out the next day. I was naive and believed her when she said they didn’t have sex. Months before, when I asked when her last time was, she had lied. So she lied again.
Later I did some digging and found out they did sleep together. Now I can’t believe anything she says.
In another chat, she wrote: “I don’t know… the French guy is sweet and attractive, but (my boyfriend) is better in bed and lives closer. I can imagine seeing both again.”
She keeps saying that after our night together, she never talked to the French guy again — but I think that’s a lie, too. You don’t just say stuff like that out of nowhere.
My problem is that I can’t trust my girlfriend anymore. During that early phase, she lied constantly and only told the truth when I found it out myself.
Another problem is: she met me but still had someone else she found more attractive.
And while I was going through her messages, I also found out more about her past — that she had things with a few guys at clubs and often talked about guys with her girlfriends.
Reading that gave me stomach pain. It wasn’t nice.
She fell in love with me because I did a lot for her and for us. I made perfect dates, brought her flowers and gifts, and gave her the best sex she ever had. But I can’t stand the idea that she only used me at first — and then eventually fell in love with me.
I hate the thought that she lied to me often, or that at the beginning she was maybe planning to see someone else too.
I asked her many times: “Why me, if you found the other guy better?”
She never gave me a good answer. I think it’s because I always drove to her, paid for everything, and the sex was good.
Now I’m thinking of ending the relationship.
But she’s also a really good person. We had great times, we understand each other well, we’re open, we listen to each other, and we fight for each other.
But I can’t anymore. It’s been 5 months since I read that first chat, and I still can’t get over it.
I have a lot of self-respect.
Edit: Once we had a fight on the phone, and she didn’t answer all night. The next day, she drove to me, and it cost her a lot, even though she didn’t have much money. This shows me she loves me, but I don’t know how.
Comments
You guys don’t match man. Move on.
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This level of deception does not equal “good person”. There’s a difference between romantic attraction and what makes a good life partner. Well, hopefully there’s some crossover. My point is that you can be romantically attracted to someone that ultimately has bad moral charter.
Sounds like you’ve learned a good lesson here. In many ways.
Sounds like the tables have turned in the dating world. Women have been putting up lying/cheating men for centuries. I don’t condone it. I grew up watching my dad cheat on my mom. Can’t imagine why I never married and have trust issues. No regrets!
“But I can’t stand the idea that she only used me at first”. Dude, she’s still using you. And lying to you. And you are in it for the sex. Find another partner.
You’re young and had some fun. Time to move on from her.
r/retroactivejealousy
Do you love her? Does she have genuine, good personality qualities? Do you like your relationship? Did you like your situation before knowing this?
Honestly you asked questions you didn’t want the answer to. She has more experience than you which is something you have to accept or move on from. I understand you feel like she lied to you but in my opinion early dating lies are more like ‘I look fat’ lies.
I’m sure others will argue that it’s best to be honest, but when you’re intentions are both on the fun side/never see you again what’s the point in tainting a good thing? Its much different than searching intentionally for a long term partner. I understand lying is not a good look, and it’s good that THAT is what your issue is with, but if I was you I’d let it go and play it from when you got serious.
Judging dating behavior isn’t always representative of relationship behavior. I’d think twice before messing this up but ultimately you need to see if you can get past this or if it’s time to let it go. I wouldn’t let minor past issues ruin your present.
If you are worried about her being a gold digger then quit paying for everything.
Aside from that why are you so insecure? She chose you. She is with you. Are you just trying to wiggle out of it? Should you be working on your self esteem?
Comparison is the death of happiness. Stop comparing with someone she didn’t choose.
Just break up, not for you, do it for her so she doesn’t waste anymore time on someone who is insecure.
Move in better will come! Your not going to stay with a liar, are you?
I would recommend in the future that you don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to. I don’t have advice for this relationship. But that’s my advice for the future.
You know the answer. Move on
She’s not “your girlfriend”. Just a fling, move on.
You sound like a nice guy, be open to meeting new people. She’s already shown you who she is.
Bro ! She never fell in love with you !
You were her toy and her tool. ..
She used you, man. Wake up, get your head out of your dick, and move on…
You’re being taken advantage of. Set boundaries and move on. Life’s too short to be treated like that.
Just because you two had sex doesn’t mean you own her or that she owes you anything. You two made no agreement to be exclusive.
You’re going to meet women that have had sex with other people. No one is saving themself for you. Get over yourself.
She knows how to play the game. ♟️
So you’re shocked that the girl who slept with you after barely knowing you did the same with someone else?
I can’t believe you asked her to reveal personal information, and now you’re going to use that information against her? Do her a big favor and just move on.
There is all kinds of disfunction here and about 70% of it is you looking for reasons to make the relationship not work. Should she be in contact with other guys she had a romantic interest in? No, but you don’t really know the extent of that contact or relationship. It may not be a big deal at all.
People have histories and that isn’t going to change. You were a virgin, it is of course going to be likely that any partner had more experience than you. You have to get over that. You shouldn’t have asked to read her messages about you to her friends. That’s just a problem waiting to happen. It was a one night stand that turned into more. Like she said, she didn’t think she would see you again. Yeah she used you, but you used her as well. You didn’t love her after a day, you were infatuated with her after a day. Another hard truth is that there will always be someone more attractive, funnier, ect…. The important part is that she decided to be with you. Of course she lied about her sexual history. She didn’t want to feel slutty and didn’t want to make you feel insecure. See what happened when you found out about her past? Don’t ask questions that don’t want the answers to. Sometimes it’s ok to not know everything about a person, because when you go digging, you are almost guaranteed to find something that you don’t like and you will make it worse than it really is.
You really have two options here. Decide that you don’t trust her and that you aren’t compatible with her history, which means that you break up and you spend some time growing up. Or, you accept that she wants to be with you, you forget about her history and move forward. That also means that you have to trust her (including not digging into every little detail of her life) until she hands you a real reason not to.
You’re young. I had heaps casual sex at that age.
But you two probably aren’t well suited.
Move on
Don’t ask questions that you’re not prepared to hear the answers to. If you can’t get over her ‘past’ tell her and let her move on, tell her also that an old reddittor said that next time she’s asked about men in her past she should just say that she takes each relationship on it’s merits and she does not discuss it period
FFS. Grow up, dude.
Past is past
She hasn’t done anything wrong from the sounds of it? When you first meet someone you don’t know if it’s going to be forever and you haven’t agreed to be exclusive. Why were you badgering her to show you her phone like that?
What she does before you’re a couple is none of your business. She met 2 guys she liked and she decided she wanted to be with you.
It feels like you’re self sabotaging.
If you stay with her, just stay in the present moment. Don’t just assume it’s for forever. Enjoy the time you have together, or don’t be with her. Don’t dwell in the past or make big plans for the future. Ride the wave and let things evolve or start over. It’s your life. Live with your decision. Nothing is ever perfect.
You cannot build an enduring relationship with someone you cannot trust.
Why is it ok for guys to have many partners but not the women?
You met in a transitory experience. Very rarely do people from those experiences continue on with you to the next chapter.
The overall question here should be: do you want the damage this is going to do to your self esteem and heart?
It’s not so much if you believe her or what others think.
Who you date can and will impact your psyche, your soul, your finances, etc. so just choose wisely. Cut losses early.
And when it’s right, well, be wild at heart and go for it. Good luck
You fucked someone hours after meeting her and you’re in your feels that she has done the same?
Dude.
Accept the loss, suffer the heartbreak, and enjoy the lesson, it will be okay
So you’re mad that a girl you hooked up with the night you met also had hooked up with other people? 🤔 Did you think it was the first time she had done that?