My girlfriend (17F) and I (17M) have been together for 2 years — one year long-distance and one year living together. It’s been a rollercoaster, and honestly, I’ve changed a lot for the better over time, but I’m at a point where I feel torn.
Back in September, I made a mistake. It wasn’t cheating, but it was a serious lie. She almost left me over it, and her mom even sat me down to talk about it. I felt incredibly guilty and promised I’d change and work every day to earn her trust back. Since then, I’ve done everything I could to be the best version of myself — emotionally, mentally, and physically. I’ve been more patient, more giving, and constantly trying to support her through everything. Even before I had fully grown as a person, I helped her out of a difficult home situation. I supported her move-in, helped her find a job, and always tried to put her well-being first.
Things got complicated when my mom eventually kicked her out. I chose to leave with her, and in the heat of the moment during an argument between me and my mom, things escalated. My mom lashed out at me physically — hitting me on the head and pulling my hair. My girlfriend intervened to protect me, but that led to a fight between them. Looking back, it was just a toxic mix of emotions. Everyone was in the wrong — my mom for lashing out, my girlfriend for escalating it, and me for not diffusing the situation better. But now my girlfriend is asking me to cut my mom off completely, and after losing my dad not long ago, it’s incredibly hard for me to just walk away from the only parent I have left.
After my dad passed, my girlfriend and I were staying at a homeless shelter with her mom and siblings. My cousin later took us in, and for a while things felt more stable. But because of the fight with my mom, my mom’s mom (my nana) was staying downstairs at my cousin’s, and my girlfriend didn’t want me going down to see them. At first she allowed short visits, but eventually she stopped me from going down at all. One day my mom made a long drive just to see me, but I wasn’t allowed to go down and see her.
Tensions really blew up one night during an argument when my girlfriend started throwing things and yelling. My nana came upstairs and calmly asked her to quiet down because it was late, but my girlfriend felt disrespected and snapped at her. She later asked me why I didn’t defend her. This became a common pattern — anytime she felt “disrespected” by someone (my cousin, my nana, etc.), she expected me to defend her no matter what, even if she was the one being harsh first. And if I didn’t, it became an argument.
There was a time my friend came over after my dad passed, and we drank and smoked together. It was one of the first times I had laughed and felt a bit of peace since my dad’s death. My girlfriend said I left her for my friend (she’s in our room the room right next to he living room) and made a huge deal out of it, even though I was constantly checking in on her and she had been asleep for most of it.
Eventually, things got so tense between her and my cousin that my girlfriend called her family to come pick us up. My cousin informed my nana, and the situation escalated so much that the police got involved. We got separated, but I convinced my cousin to take me to see her again during spring break. I wasn’t planning to break up with her — I just wanted to see her. But when the time came to return, things didn’t go as planned, and we ran away together.
We were truly homeless at that point, sleeping in parks at night. I couldn’t go with her to her mom’s shelter because I wasn’t her biological child and social services wouldn’t allow it. We had no options until my grandpa stepped in and helped us out.
Another issue that’s been hurting me lately is how my girlfriend made me unadd my step-sister. I’ve known her since I was 8 and she was 6 — she’s my family. But my girlfriend doesn’t accept that, claiming she’s just “a female best friend.” I even explained the whole family dynamic to her — how my stepdad raised them when their biological dad wasn’t around — and my whole family would back me up. Still, she told me to tell my stepbrother I didn’t want Hannah (my step-sister) in my life anymore. She’d even ask me if I was bothered by what she mad me do, also that her sister backed her up and her family usually backs her up even if it seems wrong sometimes.
Recently, when I visited my mom and got home at 7 PM instead of earlier, my girlfriend blew up. My mom works nights and sleeps during the day, she was mad I didn’t come home at 10AM or 12PM and I was just happy to visit and reconnect. But she turned it into a problem. Later, my step-sister tried to add me on Snapchat, and I declined the request without blocking her. My girlfriend found out and flipped out, saying I was a bad boyfriend for not blocking her entirely. Her mom got involved too, saying “If my daughter’s ex added her and she didn’t block him, would you be mad?” — even though Hannah is my step-sister, not an ex. My girlfriend didn’t correct her, and I just stayed quiet to keep the peace.
She expects me to do everything with her — if I smoke a disposable without her, it’s an issue. She even comes to the bathroom with me. I don’t mind doing most things together, but I need my own space sometimes, and she struggles to understand that. On Mother’s Day, I simply texted my mom “Happy Mother’s Day,” and she got mad, saying her mom actually deserved it more. My mom has apologized for a lot of things, and I’m trying to rebuild that relationship.
I’ve made huge changes. I’ve been more honest, more stable, and more committed than ever. But sometimes my girlfriend still brings up the mistake I made a long time ago, even when I’ve expressed how deeply those old mistakes haunt me. I’ve done everything I can to earn forgiveness, but it still feels like I’m being punished.
The hardest part is that I love her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want her to be with anyone else. But I’m starting to feel like I don’t have freedom anymore. I’m being made to choose between her and my mom, and after losing my dad, that choice feels impossible. I’ve sacrificed so much, and part of me wonders if I’ll ever be able to fully have both love and peace at the same time.
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TL;DR: My girlfriend and I have been through a lot — we were even homeless together at one point. I made a mistake early on, but I’ve done everything I can to be better. She wants me to cut my mom off, and after losing my dad, that feels impossible. I’ve changed so much, but she still brings up old mistakes and expects me to do everything with her, even giving up people I’ve loved and known for years. I love her deeply, but I’m starting to feel suffocated. I don’t know how to choose between love and family, or if I even should.
Comments
Your girlfriend is abusive and is trying to isolate you from your support network. I suspect your mum is abusive too.
Anyway, you need to leave your girlfriend.
Dude , you sound miserable with your girlfriend. That’s not what relationships are about. Leave her.
Your girlfriend is abusive. Stopping you from seeing your family members is a huge red flag. You don’t have to cut anyone off, and a supportive partner wouldn’t put you in this situation. You need to protect yourself and get out of this relationship.
Drop the gf, set boundaries with mum too. Fix your perspectives. 18 is no age to start dysfunctional family dynamics.
What a tremendous amount of detail.
There’s no good answer here. The problem overall is that you’re not actually in an environment that’s supportive of you.
your mom demands your support
your girlfriend is controlling and demands your support and is also attempting to cut you off from everyone (likely because she is profoundly insecure).
your extended family sounds there in a way, but not especially supportive
The advice I’d give is to think about yourself a little longer term.
Where do you want to be? What do you want for yourself and not anyone else?
What does support mean to you? What does control mean to you?
Who is supporting you? Who is pulling you off of where you want to go? Who is not derailing you?
This situation sounds like too much to manage as a 17 year old. I recommend streamlining and simplifying to the extent you can. Loss (especially when you’ve had a lot of it) can feel very daunting and something you want to avoid, but sometimes you make a net gain by dropping people who only bring conflict and negativity to your life so obviously.
Sounds like you were super young, naive/love-blind, and have found yourself pressured into an abusive lifestyle at the hands of your shitty girlfriend.
You are far too young, don’t fuck up the rest of your life by staying in this relationship. Get out before you become desensitized and start feeling like this is “normal” and how relationships should be.
You are 18. Not even old enough to legally go and buy alcohol and yet, you’re questioning whether to stay with a girl you’ve only known a couple of years who is clearly abusing you mentally, or to cut out the woman who birthed and raised you? Young man, get off your ahh, leave that emotionally abusive thing you call a girlfriend and go help your mother. This is the LEAST you can do for the woman who raised you.
There is a third option….don’t pick either your girlfriend or mother, pick yourself and get out of this situation because neither are good for your physical and mental wellbeing currently.
It sounds like you need to separate yourself from most of them and get yourself healthy and straightened out.
You can consider what relationships you wish to mend from there but you’ve got to take care of yourself first.
Man at 18 I was enjoying life. There will always be another girl at this age.
Let this one go. Be true to yourself