So this is probably going to be quite long to provide a lot of the context and get the relevant advice as a warning.
My girlfriend (20F) broke up with me (21M) 3 days ago, and I could be posting on here too quickly after the breakup up but I want some unbiased advice. We have been together for almost 4 years. We met online via one of her friends, and we live approximately 3 and a half hours away via train. This was the case for the first year in which I spent the last 3 years at a close by university to her about 40 mins away by train, while she has had an apprenticeship at a nearby company. Most weekends for the past 3 years we have been seeing each other, I would either get the train to her for the weekend or she would get the train to me.
Now it starts around a month ago when she came to my brothers wedding and met all my extended family and after this she said she has never felt so close to me before. After this we was planning our wedding, not like properly but things we would have at our wedding and looking in the area for venues that we would like. We haven’t argued properly in months and there have been no signs of unhappiness at all. About 3/4 weeks ago I stayed at her house just us two for a week as her parents went away and so she wasn’t alone. This gave us a taste of what it could look like living together in the future in which was an amazing week and she said she could see us living together.
Now to the breakup. Three days ago when she did it she had been in Africa volunteering for a week and a half and had another week and a half left. So as of today she has a week left. Before she left for Africa we was probably in the best place we have ever been. Up until the first saturday we was all good she was communicating well and then this stopped. At this point I started getting annoyed and badgering her, because I am so used to messaging her throughout the day or calling at night, asking why she isn’t replying, and then she started ignoring my messages which made me more annoyed and I started disregarding her feelings. I fully recognise I made mistakes here and sent a sincere apology the day before she broke up, yes it took me a while to recognise what I had done wrong. Breakup day she called me around midday to break up and said that what happened the past few days was not the reason and that these are (I might have missed some because I was too busy crying on the call and struggled to listen):
-
Our personalities do not match. This I do not understand because surely we would not have been together for the past 4 years if this was the case, especially in a time where we have fit each other really well.
-
That we are too similar. Yet again I do not quite understand this. I could be wrong about this but having similar interest and things we like/like to do together is a good thing?
-
That our conversations do not flow. I understand sometimes this could be the case, but quite oftenly we was able to talk for hours with each other effortlessly.
It feels like if everything did not happen the past days before she broke up with me, that she would not have broken up with me, I am only guessing here though.
For me, especially after how we have been, this came completely out of nowhere, and to do it while she is thousands of miles away I feel is quite unfair, more so as she did it without conversing with me or allowing me to talk about any of it. It was these are the reasons, I love you and wish you the best, you’re so amazing and you will find someone else. She struggled to say goodbye but she did and hung up. It feels so sudden like she made the decision just over one night. When she gets home and back into her usual routine at home she might realise what she did, I mean that is basically what I am hoping.
Currently, as I feel like I might be blinded by emotions and just very confused, I just want some advice if anyone could help me understand.
Another thing I want advice on is how long I should leave it when she gets back to message (if she doesn’t) to see if we can have a conversation about everything. I do not want to give up on us and I want to fight for her.
I appreciate any responses and advice. Thank you.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
There is possibly a new bull in the ring.
To be honest, the first thing that came to mind was her having cheated on you while over there.
I know men can be pretty obtuse and often miss overt signs that the relationship isn’t doing well, but are you absolutely sure she has never mentioned any of her reasons before and what did you do that you needed to apologize so profusely for?
It seems odd that you would behave like you always do, especially since you both are used to being apart for longer stretches since the beginning of your relationship, and then all of a sudden she would ignore you.
Who is she volunteering with? What did you do? Is she over there with someone who has been eying her for a while? Something is not adding up here.
could be a million reasons, but they ultimately don’t really matter. she could have met someone, she could have changed her mind (young people change their minds like a gust of wind), but it’s important to acknowledge that the reasons she actually gave aren’t as much of a nothingburger as you’re making them out to be.
when you’re young you’re changing constantly. figuring yourself out as well as what you want and like out of life, a partner, hobbies, interests, etc.
could be code for she’s bored, or wants more time to do things she likes without you involved. sometimes having some individual stuff that people don’t share in common can be beneficial.
you saying the conversations are perfectly fine is just your opinion. that doesn’t mean she feels the same way.
anyway yes, it’s very possible that this has been cooking for a while and the recent issues finally broke the camels back. not unusual. i don’t think you should message her about it when she returns. if she reconsiders she can message you, otherwise you just risk the possibility of her feeling guilted into reconciliation and you should not desire being in a relationship with someone who does not want to be in one with you.
I would bet you had a pattern of being disrespectful when you got in arguments and disregarding her feelings. Even in this post you’re “disagreeing” with the reasons she broke up with you. Just because someones feelings don’t “make sense” to you doesn’t make them not valid or something you can just tell them they’re wrong about.
The reason ultimately doesn’t matter. She is allowed to end the relationship if she wants to. You don’t have to like it.
Leave her alone.
Mourn and move on.