My girlfriend [22F] broke up with me [23M] to take time to herself. We were in a 9 month relationship and said that no matter how good I treat her, her ex is always on the back of her mind. For a little backstory, she and her ex were together for 4 years before breaking up and then getting with me 3 months later. I also was in a 3 1/2 year relationship with a girl I was planning on marrying until I broke up with her and got with my “current” girlfriend. We both had our issues early on where we thought about our exes but went back to each other saying we are happy in this relationship more than our previous. My girlfriend though has been having more issues with it, she told me that he keeps popping up in her mind and sometimes she misses him. He had treated her very poorly, they screamed in each others faces on the daily, and at one point he r**** her.
I told her that although we are past our relationships, we were with that other person for a while, so the thought of them isn’t going to magically disappear, it may take a while. I still think about my ex but I know that it was a learning opportunity with her, I’m happy I had those 3 1/2 years, but I’m happier now that I’ve moved on and learned from it.
Honestly at this point I’m not sure what to do. She said she wants to figure it out on her own and said that it doesn’t mean she’s going to reach out to him or try to seek him out. I’m going to give her the space she wants but I also want to be there for her and help her through every problem. I really love this girl and it’s difficult to me that this relationship isn’t easy. We have a very strong connection, so many similarities, and everything about our situation works perfectly. Her family likes me, especially her mom, she lives right down the street from my parents (like 30 sec), and we have common interests like video games and movies. The only thing that stands out is I live 2 hours away now for flight school, but I visit home every weekend so I can have some in person time with her. I thought maybe the distance was an issue for her and it wasn’t giving her the connection that she wanted more of. Help?
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She does need to figure it out on her own. Why do you both need to be with someone over alone time to reflect and make any necessary changes? Why do you want to be with someone that is still emotionally tied to their ex, because you are so you don’t really have to have a real connection?
Help her through by respecting her wishes and letting her come to you if she chooses to. Don’t allow yourself to be used. She’s still focused elsewhere.
At this point, I would move on from her until she tells you she is past her ex. I think you are acting as a backup player while she holds on to her ex. When she gets past her ex, she can try again with you. Stop enabling her.
Why would you want to be her second choice. Respect yourself buddy. Move on. She’s not the one
It’s a blessing in disguise my friend. Date somebody who actually wants to be with you and not some prick from their past
It seems like OP cheated on his GF and was expecting his new relationship to work out but the girl he cheated with wasn’t looking for a relationship just someone to save her from her abusive relationship
If she can’t stop thinking about her ex and wants a break from your relationship, then it might be for the best that you give up and move on.
Because at best you’ll just be her second choice, and that feeling will only grow worse with time.
At least she was honest with you now rather than in a few years, and if/when they get back into contact with each other again.
Give her space permanently. She is allowed to leave and focus on her mental health. Good for her for recognizing she needed to do it and took the proper steps.
If she doesn’t think she can work it out with you in her life, why would you want to entertain anything but a clean break and moving on? She still thinks about someone else. You weren’t enough of a priority to stay in the relationship. Are you going to do the pick me dance? Are you going to hang out and be the backup plan or safety net for her. Just call it good and move on. If down the road you both happen to be single and cross paths and maybe something clicks, so be it. But don’t waste time on something that isn’t there. Life is too short.
You are giving her the space she asked for. That’s all you can do. She’ll either come back to you or she won’t. That’s out of your control and you can’t beg someone to love you and be with you. It has to be what they want. Let her go completely and take what happens as it comes.