I M28 have been with my girlfriend F24 for 4 years. We’re serious, planning to get married. Throughout the relationship, I’ve paid for nearly everything : dates, trips, food, gifts, you name it. I’d say easily 99% of all expenses were covered by me. She never really offered to split or pay, and I never asked her to. I was working full-time and doing well financially, so I didn’t mind.
Recently though, I quit my job because I was mentally exhausted. I’ve been going through a bit of a burnout, and needed a break. She, on the other hand, is currently working full-time and doing fine financially.
The other day, we went out and she wanted a bubble tea. I forgot my wallet and my phone was dead, so I asked her to pay for it. It was like $10. She paid, drank it, and I dropped her off at her apartment.
The next morning, she reminded me to send her the money. I had completely forgotten, so I sent it right away. But it left a weird feeling. I’ve spent thousands on her over the years, never asked for a dime back , and now that I’m out of a job and she’s doing well, she couldn’t let a $10 bubble tea slide?
It’s not about the money. It’s about what it says. I can’t tell if I’m overthinking this or if it’s a red flag. I’ve always treated the relationship as a partnership, and this just felt… transactional.
Am I being too sensitive or is this worth paying attention to?
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To her you owned her money. that’s it. She didnt thought about anything else.
No, this is a huge red flag.
Yeah it’s red flag. It was HER bubble tea and you clearly don’t have shared finances at this point and you don’t even live together so I know there is no “I care for the home and he pays for our lifestyle” agreement going on. Did you even get a bubble tea? If not, then this is not even a “date” expense, this was her own personal expense. Expecting you to pay for this was already insane, but given the context about the job her actions are really gross and I suggest you talk to her about how it made you feel. Frankly if she reacts with anything other than mild embarrassment and an apology I’d reevaluate the relationship.
She sees you as a meal ticket and ATM. I’ve never asked someone for gas money or expected free stuff just because. I’ll offer to repay someone because I don’t want to be seen as a freeloader. 10 dollars is nothing. I’d reconsider this relationship. If she’s that upset over that amount, imagine needing her to buy or contribute to something much more costly. Want a house? You’d probably have to pay for the whole thing and she’ll want her name on the deed also. I’d bring it up to her and say you want this relationship to be 50/50 in costs and other areas. If she gets mad or laughs at it then you know where she stands with it.
Ew, I can completely understand why this is bothering you. It’s so stingy. This would turn me right off of a person.
Feels a little transactional?
Your entire relationship has been transactional. 4 years of you paying for the entirety of the relationship. You’re paying her to be in a relationship with you.
What is that, 30K over 4 years?… She doesn’t have to put a cent towards things. Could have been 15K you saved if she chipped in on things. And when you two break up (probably will happen). Her bank account is nice and juicy meanwhile yours has a burnt hole in it.
You’re considering marrying each-other. Will it always be “Her money is her money, and your money is our money”?
What is her expectations for marriage? Because if her savings don’t become your savings… You are marrying bad.
Don’t marry her. This is a taste of the hell that will be your life.
Phew… well, if you’ve been paying for everything over the past four years, you’ve basically set the standard—and by now, it probably doesn’t even cross her mind that she could contribute something.
Personally, I think it’s disappointing when your partner doesn’t even consider chipping in.
Talk to her and let her know how you feel. And if—like someone already mentioned—she at least shows some embarrassment and regret for not realizing it, then maybe there’s room to talk. But if not… you might want to rethink the relationship.
Oh Jesus, I thought that thread was a joke…but it isn’t. Do you see yourself living with that person for the rest of your life? What if you get ill? Or injured and she has to take care of you? You’ll be screwed! Massive red flag!
I’m a woman here and telling you – it’s not normal!
She never really offered to split or pay, and I never asked her to.
and there is your problem, she knows you will pay for everything and now expects it. You should never have let it get to this point as the saying goes ‘her money is her money and your money is also her money.
This is a huge red flag and you need to have a chat about it, if you want to be her atm for the rest of your life fine but if not you need to have a chat. You will also be able to gauge if she has turned into an apprentice gold digger or she is a full on gold digger by her response when you tell her she now needs to start paying for some of the things you do.
You say you’re thinking of marriage. Marriage is a partnership. If something bad happens you need to know the other person can carry the bag for a little while. It’s a give and take forever. If she can’t pay $10 for her own bubble tea when you’re down and also just forgot your wallet, I think you’re going to have a lot more issues down the line.
In the future, it’d be best to have this kind of talk about your feelings before paying it, but better late than never. Anyway, you’re entirely in your right to express to her how this situation made you feel, and ask her for her consideration of your perspective.
It’s possible that she genuinely meant nothing serious with her request, and is capable of acknowledging and respecting your viewpoint about finances, moving forward.
It’s possible that paying her back was important to her for some reason, and a conversation may need to be had about how you two view financial obligations in this relationship, along with expectations for the future.
It’s possible that she’s a money-grubbing jerk, and is only now showing it for some bizarre reason.
I’m not going to pretend like I know what’s likely here – you know your girlfriend better than strangers on the internet do. But I WILL say that you should talk to her about your feelings, and try to work things out.
She wants you to send her 10 bucks to pay for her bubble tea that she drank?
So essentially, from her point of view, you’re her money slave. But honestly you conditioned her to think like this by paying for everything from the start. Then again, if she was half decent to begin with, she shouldn’t have allowed you to pay 100% of the time if she was employed during the course of your relationship. She’s taking you for granted and probably didn’t even register the thousands of times you paid.
A normal partner would thank you every single time you pay for them and always try to pay you back as soon as they can, but only if the other partner does the exact same.
And I’m not even considering the fact that you’re unemployed while she is employed, and that it was HER bubble tea that SHE wanted. Even if she had to pay for your bubble tea on top of hers, not asking you to pay back would still be far from the bare minimum considering what you did for her. She should pay for the vast majority of expenses from now on, now that she’s the main earner.
Next time it happens, tell her that you will send the money only is she sends back the thousands of dollars you gave her.
Worth paying attention to…. highly concerning. The the other redditors’ highlight the specifics.
NOR
Dude, *she* drank the bubble tea. She did. Not you! This is a massive red flag. She doesn’t pay for anything for you and is giving you shit about not paying for things for *her*?? She can buy her own bubble tea.
It simply seems like it’s time for you to have a conversation with her… Do you have a right to feel worried about the request from her? Yes, I would probably feel the same way. But by the same token and an unspoken manner you have set up a system in which you automatically cover everything and as far as she knows that’s the agreement between you, spoken or unspoken.
The only question is, from this point forward do you want to alter the agreement? I sure would to me being in a partnership/relationship with someone means their shared responsibilities and shared cost and shared plans and dreams.
But every person is different and it depends on what you want out of a relationship. This is a really good time for you to consider that.
Unless she’s your live in maid/cook you should be splitting things 50/50. If she got bubble tea and you didn’t and she expected you to pay her back later for it that’s crazy. I’m always pleasantly surprised if my bf pays for anything.
YIKES! $10, and she REMINDED you…WILD!!! Marriage is on the table, have y’all discussed finances, children, homes, etc. Definitely explain how that $10 was an eye-opener, and let it lead into all the other financial areas most Marriages bring.
EXCUSE ME SIR are you saying that SHE wanted bubble tea FOR HERSELF, expected YOU to pay. And because YOU couldn’t pay it SHE had to pay for HER OWN bubble tea HERSELF? And now you have to give HER money for the bubble tea SHE paid because SHE wanted it?!
That’s just weird. I mean, I would understand if you offered, forgot your wallet and said “Go on, I’ll give you the money later.” But she invited herself for you to pay her bubble tea?
Wait, she asked you to pay her back for the tea that she drank??!?!?
Bruh.
That was so tacky, and thoughtless, and fucking greedy. I’d feel used, tbh.
Nope on out of there
Wow she must be really hot huh? She wanted a drink, she got a drink, she drank it and then said you had to pay for it? I thought you were going to say she bought you a drink and wanted her money back which is still horrible by the way. But it was for her and she had the audacity to ask you to retro pay for it? The selfishness of this woman knows no bounds.
My advise is run for the hills.
My first thought was that she’s broke and needed it for something important herself but you say not so that’s a bit mean of her
Why not be an adult and talk to her about it.
Feels like OP was thinking he had a gf but she was thinking something else about him. Definitely not a bf.
Did you tell her youd pay her back? If so, thats not weird. If not, i would have an issue with it.
A bubble tea that she drank and already paid for had to be reimbursed by you!? Yeah no. There isn’t give and take just take and take and take some more. Up to you if you accept that.
Why are you paying for her drink, especially when you didn’t get one too.
I think you just got a glimpse of your future ex-wife. Probably should rethink this relationship. If you continueit, get a prenup signed before you say I DO.
You’re her sugar daddy. An atm machine is all you are to her.
Woman here telling you this is not a girl you want to stay with, nor marry.
The 1950s called…they want both your attitudes back. She’s shown you who she is.
As a 60+ woman I’m offended when a younger woman insists “the man always pays.” My mother and grandmothers had no financial agency and HAD to depend on a man because they had no other choice, but we do. If she won’t renegotiate the financial split, I hope you have the sense to walk away. Good luck.
Seems transactional because that’s what it is. This goes beyond the $10. Does she ever offer to pay for things or is she the type of woman that expects the man to pay for everything? Should you get married would finances be combined? If you lose your job would she step up or will she step up and expect to be paid back?
My boyfriend pays for a lot of things. However, I still pay for things: dates, activities, trips. There have been times where he’s forgotten his wallet and I’ve paid and NEVER thought to ask for a refund. Whatever I end up paying is nothing compared to the grand scheme of things.
It’s definitely worth a conversation with her to see what her views on money are within the relationship. Perhaps you think she’s ok financially but she really isn’t. That’s a whole other can of worms.
You need to speak on it.
She actually had the nerve to ask you to pay her back for a drink SHE DRANK?????????????
WATCH OUT OP. I would not marry her if I were you.
Huge red flag!! Basically saying “I don’t care about you!” I wonder if she’ll break up with you if you couldn’t find a job for a while and she has to pay for everything?
So you’re basically a piggyback to her?
Yeah this is weird
Your money is for both and her money is just for her. Your luck you found out before getting married. This will only get worse if you’re talking house and living expenses. Get out while you can
Giant red flag. Sounds like she’s been using you.
If she has never offered to pay for anything, after a number of years, she has a problem.
You should feel a certain way.
You are questioning the value of the relationship.
Think about everything you are currently feeling. Discuss it with her, regardless of how you think she will react. This is a relationship test that she needs to pass. She just doesn’t realize it, yet.
You can find a woman anywhere willing to have you spend money on them. Finding a woman, willing to meet you half way, or share expenses, is someone to keep.
If she blows up on you, let her read this post.
Wait. I read this wrong initially. It was HER bubble tea, and she assumed/insisted you pay for it, paid for it herself when you didn’t have a payment method, then ASKED YOU TO PAY HER BACK?
NTA. This is wild behavior. Wildly waving marinara flags all over the place.
My acquaintances treat me better than your so called girl treats you. You being out of work makes this worse by 10 fold. Is is possible she is this socially inept ?
Ew, she wants you to be her sugar daddy? Bar none? No exceptions?
You really have some re-evaluating to do. maybe consider sharing her views on how your relationship would look like if you got married, lived in the same house.
You pay the mortgage and all the bills AND her treats and extras and everything and she just says “thanks!” And gives you a kiss on the cheek, whilst lining her 401k? 😂
Wait. She bought herself a bubble tea and you paid her back for it? What the actual backwards nonsense? You are not financially responsible for this adult. You should have a fair and EQUAL financial relationship going into marriage. Like split finances work for a lot of people but you funding her entire life while she also has an income ??????
GET OUT. She’s an asshole.
Wait? It was her bubble tea? I think you two need to talk about finances if this relationship is going to work. From what you’ve said, it appears that she thinks the man in the relationship should pay for everything – even if he’s not working and she is! That’s messed-up thinking.
Still, you need to sit down and have a discussion about how to handle money in the future – especially if you plan to have children. Will you pool most your money together? Will you keep your accounts separate and split bills down the middle? Will you pay for everying and she keeps all her money? Right now is sounds like what is hers is hers and what is yours is hers, but not what is hers is yours.
Money is a major issue in failed marriages. Any serious couple needs to sort this out before walking down the aisle. I wouldn’t bring up the tea, though. I would just treat this as pre-wedding work – do some research on questions to ask about merging finances and take the time you both need to work through the answers so that you both have a plan moving forward. You both might as well start now on having hard communications if you want your marriage to last. And, if it doesn’t go well, better for you both to find out before you tie the know.
Good luck.
You’re not overthinking it. Has she ever offered to pay for expenses? Or, at the very least, go Dutch? I don’t know about traditionalism, but most of my partners (aside from my first EX) were more than happy to split the bill (or even pay for it). The fact she was stingy about 10 bucks says everything about her mentality regarding finances in the relationship: “What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours”.
If you guys are seriously planning on getting married. This should be addressed. You both should be able to get in tune with each other’s thoughts. It should never be tit for tat. It’s us now. We! Both your goals together. Not necessarily a red flag. More of a discussion.
You need to sit down and have a serious conversation about money and finances, BEFORE you take any steps towards marriage.
Your gf is gainfully employed. You are not her ATM or her sugar daddy, you are her partner. You two should be sharing shared expenses, and she should definitely be covering her own expenses. And if you are temporarily unemployed, it would behoove her to step up and pay for your shared dates etc.
If you talk with her and she digs in on this sexist “my money is my money, your money is also my money” mindset, you should seriously reconsider whether this is a relationship dynamic you want to maintain forever.
Did you both get bubble tea, or just her? If it was just her, she definitely views you as a walking piggy bank.
Do NOT marry her
Wait, she wanted you to pay her back for a drink she bought for herself? Wtf are you talking about. Hell no.
The bubble tea wasn’t even for you? She expected you to pay her back for something she ordered and consumedm?
Wait, was the tea for you or her?