I’m in the UK and I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years now and we live together. She is an only child but is really close to her cousins daughter who is 16. My gf is 24. Her cousin has another daughter who is 10.
Horribly her cousin and her husband were in a car crash and they didn’t make it. My gf is devastated and has been trying to be there for her cousins daughters.
My gfs aunt and uncle initially said they’d take the children on to live with them but social services said they can’t as they’re both late 70s and not in great health. It looks like they may be put into care.
My girlfriend mentioned to me the possibility of us taking them on. We have agreed previously we aren’t likely to want kids of our own but may foster kids when we’re able to if our mind changes.
That would be when we’re in a position financially that would allow it and when we’re in a house not a small apartment and when work exams we both have are over so we agreed it would be at least 10 years out and would only be for short periods at a time.
I told her I know she’s coming from a good place but it’s not practical or possible for us to do it.
We’re not poor but we’re not well off. We manage to get by and put a bit in savings each month so having two kids in the apartment wouldn’t be affordable even with the suppo we’d get for taking them in.
I pointed out our spare rooms aren’t even furnished with beds etc. one of them I use as an office as I work from home and isn’t even big enough for a bed so there’s only one spare room that we could use and it wouldn’t fit two beds in it.
we only have one car which my gf uses for work and the girls school is around an hour from where we live so the school run wouldn’t be doable as we wouldn’t have a car to do it in. Even moving them schools would still need a car.
These are just a few of the reasons.
I said we can obviously be there for them and support them in other ways but it’s not realistic for them to live with us. She said I was being cruel and that they can’t go into care.
I just said again it’s not realistic or practical for them to live with us. Ahe again said I was being cruel and that we should be supporting family. I just repeated again that it’s not practical.
She called me uncaring and said I should be wanting to help but I pointed out wanting to help doesn’t mean it’s always possible to help.
How would you handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriends cousin was in a car crash and didn’t make it. My gf wants us to have her two kids live with us. When I pointed out why this isn’t possible she said I was being cruel and uncaring.
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I’m on your girlfriend’s side on this 100%. If you didn’t agree, we’d be breaking up, and I’d take the kids alone and work it out. They’re her family. They really need her. And the foster system sucks.
This is completely up to your gf. She needs to decide what SHE wants to do about the children, and then you get to decide if you want to stay with her and support her decision. All of the reasons you mentioned are manageable. It might be inconvenient in the short term, but they can be worked out. Schools can be changed, housing can be upgraded etc etc. Personally, I would put the kids well being over my partner in a heartbeat.
Please investigate the financial options available to you to help these kids. I’m sure it’s not something you would be made to take on without support but seriously to not take these kids would be the worst thing you could do.
You don’t have to take on kids you don’t want. I don’t think you’re wrong here. But she’s not wrong either. If it means that much to her I think she should also move in with her aunt and uncle and as an adult far younger than 70 she can help them care for the kids. I wouldn’t want family I love to go into foster care.
She can live the aunt and uncle who is too old to take them alone and they can all do it together
I get your point of view but putting those kids into care is not a good choice. Inquire with social services what options are available to you both if you were to take the kids into your care. All your points are valid but you are not seeing what help IS AVAILABLE if you were to accomadate the two kids. BUNK BEDS would fit in a spare room. It maybe out of bounds to what you both discussed about taking kids on at a later stage…but no one could have forseen this was going to happen. Your gf is looking at their future. Kids get bounced around in the care system and abused. Discuss it again and see what options are available before saying no.
It’s family. You make it work.
Asking your gf to put her cousin’s children into foster care because it’s inconvenient to bring them in would be a break-up level request in my book.
I think people are completely disregarding the fact this would basically change your life, especially when you don’t want children anyway. I think she’s wrong for calling you uncaring etc but I also understand why she wants to take the kids. Me and my fiancé are child free and do not want children. If my brother and his wife died and I was the only one who could take my niece and nephew then I would absolutely be taking them because I’d never let them go into care, but I would also 100% understand if that meant my fiancé left me. Essentially I’d be asking him to be a Dad when he’s always made it clear he doesn’t want to be one. I guess you gotta decide what’s more important to you, being child free or being with your partner.
Guys this dude just doesn’t want the kids as an inconvenience. Everything he mentioned is manageable SOMEHOW, he just doesn’t want to HAVE TO. But, it’s his choice to be selfish. But admit the real reason and stop making excuses. It’s blatantly obvious.
This relationship is over… she wants to take in the children, you dont
I understand your reasons, plus you dont really want children so taking in grief stricken children age 10-16 is just not realistic for you
At the same time, this is her family and she doesnt want strangers to take the children, which is also understandable
You two are now fundamentally incompatible and need to break up, if she gives in she will start to resent you and if you give in the break up is only delayed
You wont get much support on reddit though, when it comes to children having lost their parents, reddit most definitely believes in forcing parenthood on people who dont want children or who dont want more children, i have seen it time and time again
Your better off frosting then the local authority will paid for their upkeep and it cheaper than then been split up or going into the care system which believe me I know working within it for twenty years that your best option financially. The other option is your girlfriend moving in to her younger cousin home and keeping some sort of normality in their life . Then you can absolve your self of any responsibility and live your life.
Could you move into the girls family home?
From your comments, your mind is already made up: you aren’t willing to accommodate the kids or compromise on any part of your present life to help out her family.
Why are you posting about this, then ? Are you hoping to hear something that will magically sway your girlfriend into taking the same stance ? That would be highly manipulative and entirely wrong of you.
Your only choice in this matter is to decide if you will stand by your girlfriend fostering her family during this difficult time OR walk away and rebuild your own life without her.
You do not get to decide this for her, and neither do you get in input. You are not a husband she’s made binding legal commitments to. You are boyfriend, and as a boyfriend, those are your options.
Be prepared for this to nuke your relationship, because it is a fundamental incompatibility and even IF your girlfriend relents to your opinions, this will sew the kind of resentment that wouldn’t resolve in a lifetime.
The UK has one of the most generous welfare systems known to mankind. Plus, fostering payments are extremely generous.
Ultimately, though, it doesn’t matter how generous something is or can be if someone is mean hearted and would rather see orphans go and live with strangers instead of opening their home and giving these children love and stability.
Your girlfriend is right. You ARE cruel and uncaring.
Either start coming up with solutions to help these poor girls or GTFO.
> How would you handle this?
Sounds like you’re making up excuses, instead of just being honest and saying “I don’t want to take the kids”
Which is fair enough but be prepared for it being the end of the relationship.
This website says you can get 170-299 a week per child in the UK.
Obviously, the girls would change schools. You don’t have to drive them. Don’t they have bus systems where you live? Bunk beds are a thing.
Idk your story isn’t really adding up to me
Edit: can’t the 16 year old work like 8-12 hours a week as well? She’s old enough to get a job
I worked 12 hours a week when I was 16
If I were her, I’d never forgive you for this.
When you foster, they can support with getting furniture and you will get financial support as well.
If these children end up in foster care because its inconvenient now, but you foster down the line – they’ll not forgive you either.
This is her family, and you just work it out as you go.
There is no relationship advice that can help, your position will bring about the end of this relationship.
So the grandparents are in bad health and very old, what about the other grandparents isn’t there another set of grandparents somewhere? Are there no ants or uncles at all no siblings the parents didn’t have siblings at all. I can feel for your girlfriend because when I was in my 20s, I was already married and I already had children, but my aunt died. She was an alcoholic and her husband wasn’t fit for two cents And I wanted to take in her son. He was only about four years old at the time and he deserved a better life because she was an alcoholic and the father was lazy he had an awful life. They lived in a awful place, and it was just about circumstances, but my husband objected to it, and I’ve always regret it not taking him in if I had that to do over again, I would insist that we take this child in Rather than let him go to the state and go to the state he did because my grandmother had already raised two of my aunts children, and she was too old to raise anymore, and even though there were ants and uncles, none of them would take him in so it was a bad situation all around my suggestion to you is to find a way to take these children, and you can change their schools to the schools that are closer you know, and you must get some kind of check every month for taking care of these children. I know here in the statesyou can get Social Security if children’s parents pass on, but please try to find a way to take these two children, and you don’t wanna see them go to the state. If the one girl is 16, she only has about a couple more years before before she’ll probably be out on her own anyway.
Can you not foster them? You get expenses covered for that.
Look, I dont think this is optional from your GFs point of view. Her cousins children would have no other option but to go into foster care with strangers, which would traumatized them further and has a lot of potential risks. These kids are your GFs family, and shes going to step up for them.
You can either get on board, or you can say you don’t want to do it.
But if you have an ounce of kindness, dont make flimsy excuses or try to talk her out of it.
If she wants to take her cousins in she should and you should leave the relationship if you can’t support that. Terrible things happen to girls in care.
Where are your girlfriend’s parents in all this?
You didn’t like the responses in your other post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/qQtVRgidIc
She’s right, you’re wrong. It’s family. [insert Dom Toretto meme here]
If you’re in the States maybe you could become foster parents for the children. That comes with some kind of $. Also, they have furniture and perhaps the aunt and uncle can help financially. Pretty sure the checks from foster care would cover the extra expense of having the kids; family members can become foster parents and receive those benefits. You are very young and I understand the fear but, I don’t think you’ll regret it. I will say I regret being in a similar situation and making the, yes selfish, and for me lazy, decision. And I was married at the time it could have been worked out if I wasn’t so concerned with myself and my life.