‘ve been with my girlfriend for around 4 years. Throughout this time I have supported her when she’s had low periods due to her depression. Last month my mother passed away. My girlfriend attended the funeral with me and went for a day out somewhere my mum loved going then a few days later she started feeling low.
Since then it’d pretty much gone back to her expecting support from me. It’s started to get to me how quickly she seems to just have forgotten my mother is dead. She was complaining last night about how bad she’s feeling and I just asked her how she thought I was feeling.
She asked what I meant and I asked her when the last time was he asked how I was doing. I asked when the last time was she checked how I was coping with my grief. She said she does ask so I asked her again when the last time she asked me was.
She asked what my point was and I just said she seems to think support only goes one way. I said my mother has been dead six weeks yet my gf is expecting everything to revolve around her and expecting me to support her while not offering any support back.
She said I was wrong so I asked how she’s been supportive. She said she’s watched a tv show that I liked watching with my mum but I pointed out she only does that if we do something she wants straight after.
I just told her I’m feeling unsupported and it’s like she expects me to ignore what I’m going through to run around after her when support is supposed to work both ways. She said I was judging her for her mental health but I just said suffering poor mental health isn’t an excuse to neglect your partner when they need you.
I just asked when she’s going to start supporting me or if shes always going to expect everything to be about her. She said I was being cruel towards her when I know she’s feeling low.
How would you handle this?
tl;dr my girlfriend has low periods due to depression. During these I have supported her. My mum died last month and my gf hasn’t really been supportive. I asked her when she’s going to start supporting me and she got defensive and said I was being cruel to her when she’s feeling low.
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You weren’t being cruel you were being honest. Grief is heavy, and it’s okay to say, ‘I need support too.’ Mental health matters, yes, but so does yours. If the emotional labor always falls on you, even when you’re the one in pain, that’s not partnership that’s imbalance. You’re allowed to ask for more. You deserve more.
Your girlfriend sounds extremely selfish. If she can’t see that, then I doubt she will change.
Yeah thats not good… Loosing a parent is a big deal. If someone cant understand that and not be there for you for at least 6 months their a idiot.
Red flag. She’ll always expect to be in the center.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Question: Do you want to be in a relationship where you feel that it’s very one-sided? Relationship should be two-way street as you know. How long can you sustain this?
I’m sorry about your mother.
You’re young to lose your mother, unless you’ve experienced that… people have no clue the depth of that pain.
Find a person who understands grief ( sibling) and how painful this is. My father died when I was young, it was traumatic and painful and tragic, and it’s been 30 years. There are times when the grief just hits me it’s so palpable.
I loved my father so much, it was so unexpected and you’re never prepared.
Find better support.
I’m sorry for your loss! I’ve been suffering with depression for a very long time and i will probably have to take meds for my whole life. So while she’s not at fault for having depression, she should still understand what those she love go through.y insight on depression is that it can overwhelm someone so much that all they see is their suffering without noticing the pain of others. It’s not an excuse, but it’s just the way it is. Grief is hard. It’s devastating and extremely complicated. I’m sorry she doesn’t support you. It’s not okay to expect something without giving it back. Relationship is a two way street. If i were you, I don’t think i could accept that I’m not going to get support because she’s having hard time. Dealing with depression is mainly her responsibility. You’ve done a lot to support her. It’s not cruel to expect support in return. Your priority is your mental health. I suggest you might look into therapy on how to deal with grief. It might be beneficial. As for your gf it’s up to you to think thoroughly how this situation makes you feel and what does it say about your future with her. If her pain is so bad, she can’t give you any support, what will happen later in life? Will she be able to be there for you if she can’t now? Can you stay with her knowing this?
The way I would handle it is to give her walking papers. She is self-centered and unlikely to change. You can do better.
Sorry bro, I need to say a few harsh things. Your GF is correct that this new expectation is not fair to her. It’s like buying a cat and expecting it to bark. People are who they are. When you expect someone to do or give something that the person isn’t able or willing to do or give, you set yourself up for failure and disappointment.
You’ve been together with her for 4 years and you know her. You know this relationship is a one way street, where you give and your GF receives. You know, because this is the relationship you built with her and this is the relationship dynamic you accepted all along. That kinda works as long as you’re not in need of support yourself. But now you do and and you get the outcome you set yourself up for.
If you need support, you’re not going to get it from your GF, because that isn’t who she is. So you need to get your support somewhere else. And then decide whether you need a partner who supports you. If you do, this GF isn’t the right person.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. You should bf getting the support you need from your loved ones.
It sounds like your girlfriend is very needy and also incapable of empathy. I don’t know if there is depression here or is this her personality.
I am sorry you have lost your mom. I am also sorry your girlfriend seems to lack empathy. She really said watching a TV show was supporting you? Wow.
Firstly, I hope you are looking after yourself and managing your grief.
Secondly, I don’t think it’s right that your gf isn’t supporting you the way you need, but I also know that when you are genuinely depressed it’s so hard to even think about the little stuff let alone how others are doing. That’s not an excuse for being a shitty partner but you are both going through stuff.
I think her reaction to that will be because of how you brought it up. Obviously I don’t know you and I can’t know your tone through writing but she could have interpreted that as her mental health being a burden hence the feeling hurt.
The way foreword is to talk about it in a non blaming way. When the conversation no longer feels constructive, take 5mins and go back to it. But maybe make a plan or a routine for things to do so that you are both taking care of yourselves and can be there for each other. Relationships are supposed to push you to both be better versions of yourself and if it’s not doing that then find ways you can. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
Maybe you two need some outside support for awhile – therapy, family, friends… its probably tough for either of you to give much right now. Ideally she can get treatment for her depression and maybe you can see a grief counselor before these feelings become resentment. Resentment is the absolute death of relationships.
You deserve to have the emotional support you want, but i caution you two against taking inventory of who did what when and how many times. Instead of making it a criticism, make it an ask. “Hey, i really need X from you right now, is that something you can do?”
Seems she’s always been self absorbed, toxic, and manipulative, and you just never noticed. Dump her, you’ll never have what you want with her.
You need to take care of your mental health first. Otherwise, you can’t take care of anyone else.
Also, you are not her therapist, you aren’t trained to help her in the way she really needs it. Sure you can be her support but she can’t place all the burden on you to make her happy.
Has she tried to get better? Is she going to therapy? Is she taking anything? Is she trying to find hobbies to help her physically and mentally?
If she’s not being active in trying to get better in the 4 years you’ve been together, then she’s just doesn’t care she’s draining you. She doesn’t care how much she’s a burden, she expects you to keep taking it.
And while I can understand that people can be clinically depressed and it is a lifelong battle, but at some point, they need to at least try to win some of the battles, even if they can’t win them all.
There are some people you just can’t help because they refuse to do anything about it and in turn they become unable to support anyone else. And you have to decide if it’s really worth staying in this relationship.
You live on a “one way street.” It doesn’t sound like she’s ever going to support you.
I’m sad to say that if you need and want a supportive relationship, you need to leave and find someone else.
Tricky situation.
Your feelings are valid, resonable and understandable. You try to communicate your needs and get insulted and disrespected. There doesn’t seem to be an easy way to get constructive communication between you.
People with depression can often be self centered and a bit egocentric regarding only their needs. And seems like thats the case with your gf. If she can’t even see that herself its hard to talk about it. Also her transactional view on support with focus on her gain sounds tiresome.
I guess only you can tell if the positive sides make it worth the negative sides and if its okay with you to not get support you wish for from your partner when you are griefing.
Shes not likely to change. Accept that and make a decision accordingly
I’m so sorry you lost your mum because I know the pain of that never goes away. Im blown away that your gfs response to your grief is to point out her own mental health struggles. You are right to feel unsupported and her saying you are being cruel means she really doesn’t have any empathy for your grief.