I live with my girlfriend and we split rent and bills 50/50. This includes the grocery shopping. My girlfriend goes grocery shopping with her mum every two weeks. I’ve offered to go instead but she likes going and spending time with her mum.
She’ll go shopping and then tell me how much it was and I’ll transfer her half of the money. This has worked fine but I’ve started noticing she’s coming back with things that are just for her and not groceries.
An example of this is a few weeks ago she came back with some new trousers and shirts for work. The time after that was a lot of food specifically for her to take to work and then this weekend she came back with a jacket.
The bill this week was a lot higher than usual so I asked if it was because of the jacket and she said yeah. I told her that I’m meant to be paying for groceries not for her clothes.
I said my half should be including the groceries only. I said from now on I think we should either go together or she should show me the receipt when she gets back.
She said I was being unreasonable but I pointed out I shouldn’t be buying her clothes and she shouldn’t be expecting me to pay for stuff she decides she wants. I said I’m paying for groceries and that’s it.
She again said I wasn’t being fair and that it’s not like she’s getting a lot but I just refused to pay for half going forward unless I’m there when the shopping is being done or she shows me a receipt so I know I’m only paying for groceries.
How would you handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriend has been buying herself new clothes and expensive food just for her when she goes grocery shopping and just expecting me to pay half. When I said I want to see receipts going forward before I pay she said I was being unreasonable.
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You’re not wrong. She is treating you like a sugar daddy, not a bf.
Her response means that she knew what she was doing, it was not an accident. It’s a totally reasonable to ask for receipt and pay for groceries only.
You need to have a conversation with her about the difference between shared expenses and personal expenses then. Evidently clothes just for her is a personal expense that should come out of her own personal account.
Asking for a receipt for any shared expense is a reasonable expectation though, helps both of you manage your budget.
Are you paying phone bills seperately or jointly (assuming you do not share a plan of any kind)?
It sounds like you two split costs of what you evenly consume together. Clothes do not sound like it falls into this, certainly not a part of what you understood the agreement was.
I would talk with my partner about what our agreement is.
Besides, should you then give her bills for your clothing purchases from that period? She didn’t cover yours, so you two should be leveled out there.
*But in all honesty it sounds like she used her mother as cover for using you for money. Would have left because that’s swindling.
Your girlfriend is the one being unreasonable. I wouldn’t mind if there were food items for her as there are probably things in the rest of the shopping that you eat more of than her. But clothes isn’t really fair. It’s not that hard to put them through on a separate transaction. I’m afraid there is no easy solution if she can’t see a problem with what she’s doing?
You could do a click and collect so that you have control over the shopping. She can still go with her mum for the potter around and then she’s free to buy what she wants with her own money.
This could also be her way of communicating she wants to be treated a bit more.
This is reasonable. Like, its not a problem if its a few bucks every once in a while, but if you GF is getting in the habit of seeing things she wants at a 50% discount because of this arrangement, she not going to stop unless you set that boundary.
And thats the the thing, you set a boundary, and decide what that looks like. If you decide that you dont want to pay unless you see a receipt and can deduct her personal things, then you have to sit down and talk about it now, and remind her before she goes shopping. If she ‘loses her receipt’ you might have to double down.
Why does she say it’s unfair? Is she buying half of our clothes?
Given that you guys had an agreement about how this will play out, what you asked for was reasonable. The way she responded shows where she stands.
Your relationship is more like roommates with benefits. You wouldn’t be feeling this financially separate from each other if you had the intention of making a life with her. Since you know where she stands on this issue, you can either break up, or just buy your own groceries.
You both are in the wrong but she is more.
You penny pitching what only she eats and where she eats the groceries will/would break the system. Yes, she buys food to take to work but would you also deduct cookies only you like or bread, cheese and butter for the sandwich you take to work? Either you share groceries or you don’t.
But her shopping clothes in share dime is crazy and not okay at all.
As long as you don’t share your economy like married couple usually do, you are in the right. You pay half for the groceries and that’s it. What she needs outside that, same for you, is payed by each individual. And you help each other out when needed, when money may be thin.
This is a slippery slope because she could basically drain you for things for only her and when you need something you can’t buy it, and she would have to pay for it for you. Which makes the whole thing pointless.
But that being said, if she gets a couple of T-shirts for 10$ and you pay half, that’s for sure within being a partner and helping out overall. She is right in the sense that couples generally don’t count who pays for what when it comes to going out eating or ordering home. You try to balance it overall without talking numbers.
Either way, whatever people may think in the matter, even if they think you should just pay half and be done with it. It’s fair, if it’s not a lot of money or effecting your own money situation, but it’s still 100% fair to only want to pay for the groceries which was the deal in the first place.
But that’s about clothes and other things that falls outside the grocery shopping.
If she buys food that will be eaten at work instead of at home – that’s part of groceries and you pay half of that. It doesn’t matter if she have her portion on the moon instead of home, it’s still grocery’s for the 2 weeks and her part of the food.
Same for you, she pays half of what you may eat everyday, no matter where you eat it.
Personally, I would feel exhausted to live like this, counting every cent with a partner. However it is ok to have that preference, but it sounds like you might have different expectations and ideas about how much there is room for adjustments in your arrangement. For your girlfriend 50/50 might mean something a bit different than it does to you. Finances are a big part of sharing a life, so you should talk about your expectations about 50/50 going forward.
Yeah, if you were to do what she is doing to her, then she would be shouting blue bloody murder. She’s using you. I don’t know what justification she has for it but what she is doing isn’t acceptable. I wonder what mum is getting too.
Wasn’t this posted yesterday?
It really depends on what your relationship is like in general. Do you pay for everything else? Does she pull her weight or more? If you’re even then id say let it go. But don’t forget, it’s a two way street. Get yourself a jacket.
Also what spending is like for you both. Does she get items from the sale? Is it a name brand jacket?
I see your point, though. Clothes aren’t groceries. Have you asked her why? If it’s a question of she can’t afford it, she needs to contact you before purchasing and ask for help from you. Maybe you need a new budget plan going forward.
From the title, I thought you were being petty. But with context, she’s the petty one—buying seemingly larger personal items (ie not just a candle or some lotion or something) so that it’s affecting your budget.
It’s fair to stick to your agreement about the 50/50 split. That said, playing devils advocate for a minute, I do have to wonder if she’s feeling an imbalance—do you have approx the same income, for the 50/50 split to be equal between you? If not, it could be that she’s hurting for things beyond “necessities”. Depending where she works, looking the part may be an important factor in keeping her job. We don’t have context here, and that’s okay—perhaps choose a time to ask her about why she feels the need to try to split the cost of her personal items with you. If you ask and she says it’s not about income, she just wants you to buy her things—well, you have a gold digger. Congrats.
By now you should know the average amount for your basic shared groceries. Divide that by two and pay that amount. Then your gf can buy within that amount. This should cover basic food. Then each of you can buy your personal treats or special items. If you can’t decide on a fair amount Insist on making a meal plan and shop together until you have a basic idea of the cost involved. Take separate cars. Then she can continue to hang out with her mom and you can take the groceries home. If your gf wants to go clothes shopping with her mom after you leave she can. Asking for the receipt is smart, it is fair and it is good budgeting. If your gf wants to buy personal items like clothes or makeup she can separate that at checkout and make two transactions, the shared food on one and her personal spending on the second receipt. Only by seeing the receipt do you know what your half is and she should respect you enough not to want you to feel she is hiding anything or passing her shopping spree off on you. It is not about you not trusting her, it is about her wanting to be fair and transparent in all she does. If she feels it is okay to hide her spending under the guise of groceries (how do you eat a jacket anyway) what else might she be conveniently not open about? Receipts keep the peace unless there is a reason to hide them and that is a bigger problem.
Tell her to only go grocery shopping for herself and you start buying your own groceries
This is a repost.
Your expectations are reasonable. You’ve agreed to pay for groceries but not her clothes. You raised the issue without rudeness and I agree that you should not pay for her clothes
You a bot reposting? Read this earlier today.
didn’t you post this somewhere yesterday? what kind of different responses are you expecting?
You are correct on a technicality but jeez you sound like a d*ck.
It’s never going to get better. If you give her an inch she is going to take a mile. Maybe it’s time you get ready to leave quietly
“Correct, in order to pay half I need the receipt so I know how much to give you, not how much you want.”
also
“Perhaps it’s time we close the books and part ways.”
You are not at all being unreasonable in this situation when it comes to the clothes. She absolutely should have asked you to help her buy a clothing item if she needed help buying it. And she knew what she was doing when she was dishonest and included it in the grocery cost.
Honestly, you should just do online orders to either make your grocery lists, or for pick up. You guys can then shop together quickly and easily, and know the total price before she goes shopping. You can transfer it to her before.
Although, I will say when it comes to groceries. Even the groceries that are “just for her,” are groceries. Acting like they aren’t “groceries,” because she eats it at work instead of at home is ridiculous. You either share the grocery bill, or you don’t. I guarantee she buys things she doesn’t really like, because you like them as well. And I don’t care if you primarily eat out and don’t take food to work, that extra incurred cost of eating out is on you. You also have the choice to pack a lunch like she does. She doesn’t have to pay more of the groceries because of your choice to spend frivolously on that.