I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years. Things haven’t been great for a while now. It’s not that we’re arguing or anything but the relationship has seemed more like a friendship and there has been no intimacy.
My girlfriend has depression which she is on medication for that also means she pretty much has no sex drive so our sex life is non existent.
We’re both in individual therapy for various reasons. After one of her sessions my gf said we needed to talk. She mentioned the issues we’re having and mentioned wanting us to work through them.
She said she’d like to work on our lack of intimacy. She mentioned wanting to hug more often, hold hands, plan more dates etc which I agreed with.
She mentioned sex and said it’s something she wants to work through but doesn’t know how. I offered multiple suggestions that she said no to so i mentioned her talking to her therapist about it.
She said it’s not a topic she wants to discuss with him so I mentioned talking to her doctor instead and she again refused.
I pointed out the problem isn’t going to just go away on it’s own and that we both need to be putting the work in and she said she’d think about it.
A month later we had another talk and she mentioned that she appreciates the fact I’ve been making an effort with holding hands, cuddling, planning dates etc. I asked her about if shed spoke to her therapist about our sex life and she said no.
I asked why and she just said she didn’t want to. I told her that it can’t just be me putting the work in while she refuses to work on her side of things. I said the problem isn’t just going to vanish and she has to talk to someone about it.
She said I was being unfair but I pointed out it was unfair expecting me to work on the issues in the relationship while refusing to do the same on her side.
I said I can’t be in a relationship where sex is completely off the table so if she doesn’t talk to someone about it and make an effort to work on things then it’ll be the end of us.
She called me unfair and said I was being cruel by giving her an ultimatum but I just said again she can’t expect it to just be me putting the work in to.
How would you handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriend and I agreed to work through issues we were having but it was just me putting the work in to do it. I told her to talk to someone about her side of things or it would be the end of the relationship and she called me cruel.
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Nah, you’re not cruel. Sex is a big part of the longevity of most relationships. It’s also arguably one of your physical needs. If you’re working on all the stuff she’s asked for, especially the planning dates part, you’re putting in a lot more effort that she’s giving. She may not be comfortable bringing it up with a therapist, but she needs to step over that boundary and get on with it to show you that she cares about your relationship and your efforts.
I get both sides completely. I have been in a relationship where the other person didn’t want intimacy, and it was hell. But equally, you can’t force someone to talk to their therapist about intimacy. For some, it’s such a private thing that involves a lot of shame, etc.
It does sound like your partner is putting in an effort to create intimacy of a different kind, which, funnily enough, usually leads to actual intimacy with time. Giving someone an ultimatum is the least sexy thing you could do.
However, I get that you cant have a relationship with no intimacy, I couldn’t either, and I get the frustration that she won’t talk it out with her therapist. But there’s other options aside from ultimatums. You could suggest that you both continue with individual therapy and do a couple of specifically intimacy joint sessions? You could also take time to create intimacy outside of sex, activities that create it without actually having. Women need a different type of intimacy before actual intimacy, closeness without sexual expectations. Also, it sounds like you are both speaking to therapists but are you actually speaking to each other about what the issue might be?
I would do exactly what you’re doing. A relationship can’t be one person fixing everything. She has to put in the work, too.
That’s not an ultimatum, that’s formulating an expectation. An ultimatum comes with a deadline.
I think this less about you and more about her. Strong emotional reactions usually means, this is a sensitive topic. Maybe start here. Find out why this is so sensitive for her.
Simply tell her that you can’t carry the weight alone. It takes two to tango! Seriously. She’s gonna have to work on her own insecurities around sex while you do what you’re doing. Tell her you’re doing the best you know how. She’s lucky to have a guy that’s verbal and even willing these days to work on issues. Keep being supportive but encourage her to be vulnerable and open.
Well ya giving an ultimatum based on sex is kind of cruel…I’m sure she’s raised more concerns that you haven’t taken into consideration. If sex is a deal breaker for you then just leave?
Sex is the main reason guys get into relationships! No sex = friendship! It’s fine if you are both old and have low sex drives but for the vast majority it’s not really a relationship without sex.
I think you were very fair to be honest with her and are willing to work with her rather than cheating as some guys would do. Hopefully she is willing to talk to someone on improving in this area for both of you. If not, the next guy isn’t going to be so understanding.
Don’t commit. A sexless marriage is a painful loveless life to live especially when physical contact is a big part of you.
She thinks she can stonewall you and your concerns, and yet still keep you. Walk away.
It’s likely the medication she is on that is screwing over her libido, it probably won’t get better unless there’s a path for her to get off the medicine one day, and that depends on how her way out of depression is progressing.
That is something she could figure out together with her doctor and therapist if she’s well enough for it, but it could likely take years and the result is uncertain, so the question is what you can live with.
Problems grow into consequences, not wanting to deal with something is basically having a guarantee of the consequences. She’s not putting effort about working into you guys, so something is gonna happen in the end lol, good or bad.