My mum passed away in February this year and she was the last close family that I had. Last night my girlfriend was asking a lot of stupid questions and then she asked if I’d give up the relationship to have my mum back. I asked if she was seriously asking that.
She asked what the problem was and I pointed out she’s comparing herself to my dead mother hoping I tell her the relationship means more and it’s just vile. She said I was being cruel towards her but I pointed out it’s cruel to even think it’s an okay question to ask.
She said I was getting angry over nothing but I just pointed out she is making light of my mother passing in the hope I tell her she means more and it’s disgusting. I said she needs to grow up and stop asking stupid questions.
She again said I was being horrible to her.
How would you handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriend said I was being horrible to her when I called her vile for a question she asked.
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I think you handled it perfectly. It WAS a fucked up question to ask, and you had every right to be pissed off and put off by it. If she can’t understand that bringing up your deceased mom in a way other than respectful remembrance is out of line, I would genuinely reconsider the relationship. Her not seeing this is 100% on her, not you. Not one bit.
Losing a parent is the WORST thing ever. You deserve care and empathy. Good luck bro.
That is an awful question. I don’t understand how she doesn’t get it. How long you have been together?
Of all the shit-tests I have ever heard of, this one is the worst.
That woman is not worth being with dude.
That’s a ridiculous thing to ask someone, especially when they’re still grieving. She’s an idiot.
Your reaction makes sense because her question was not just thoughtless, it touched a wound that is still raw. Losing a parent is a life-shaping loss and comparing herself to your mother turns that grief into a competition. From a psychological angle, a partner who asks something like this is often looking for reassurance that they are irreplaceable, but the way she asked shows immaturity and a lack of emotional awareness. When someone is grieving, the healthy role of a partner is to comfort and support, not to measure their value against the person you lost.
The best way forward is to set a clear boundary without turning it into a shouting match. Tell her calmly that this subject is off limits and explain that love for a parent and love for a partner are different and cannot be ranked. If she continues to dismiss your feelings or calls you cruel for protecting that boundary, that signals a bigger issue about respect and empathy in the relationship. You are not responsible for soothing her insecurity at the cost of your grief.
A loving partner may not always know the perfect words, but they listen and learn. If she can hear you and reflect on why the question was hurtful, there is room to repair. If she doubles down on blaming you, you need to decide whether this is the kind of emotional climate you can build a future in.
it was a stupid question to ask. Was she looking for a fight ? sounds a bit like she’s trying to get a reaction. My mum died 4 weeks ago I’d cut someone out my life for this nonsense.