My girlfriend and I have got a few plans for later in the year. We live in the UK and there’s a few music artists were going to see and a couple of festivals between May-June then we’re looking at going on holiday in June or July.
My mum was diagnosed with cancer last year and she unfortunately got worse tepidly this month and passed away a couple of days ago.
I told my gf I’m not going to be in the right headspace to go away for a few months so the plans we’ve gotten will have to be cancelled or she can go on her own or sell my tickets to a friend.
My girlfriend said I am putting my life on hold when I shouldn’t be. I just repeated what i had already said. I told her no one is stopping her going but I won’t be there.
She just again said I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold and pointed out my sister had recently been on holiday.
Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this or have by other perspectives on it?
Tl;dr my girlfriend said I shouldn’t be putting my life on hold and cancelling plans after my mum died and I cancelled a few plans we’ve got.
Comments
She sounds like she’s being incredibly insensitive and self centered. I’m so sorry for your loss…
This wasn’t real when you posted it 4 hours ago, it’s not real now lol.
>My girlfriend (26f) reacted insensitively when I (27m) had to cancel plans due to a death in the family
My condolences. You may potentially be “reacting” to your grief as it’s a recent loss & may potentially want the distraction by the time that comes around. They recommend not making any major decisions in fresh grief and you’ve got a bit more breathing room on this one. I’m assuming this is what she’s worried about and phrased it poorly.
It’s possible she’s unsympathetic to your pain like I’m sure a bunch of people will assume but really most of the time people are trying their best and are awkward more often than they are cruel. Investigate the deadline to cancel things if you’re really worried about it and decide to decide a bit later – for yourself not because she’s insisting it’s putting your life on hold.
When you’ve freshly lost someone is different than when life starts to naturally just keep going on – it’s quite possible you’ll be thankful for the holiday’s change in venue and perspective later on.
The first 3 months after my dad died I know I went to the gym a lot, I went to work and idk what else I did. I have no memory of those 3 months except the funeral. I went into auto pilot and survival mode. You need to sit her down and explain you have no interests in doing these things and right now you just need to grieve, id suggest holding onto the later tickets until a few weeks prior to see how your head space is going and maybe you’ll be up to adventure out but otherwise you might be looking at a near future break up if she doesnt understand the heaviness loss carries with it.
A few things.
1.Welcome to the worst club around ❤️
2.she likely means well but doesn’t know how to relate or convey that.
Punishing yourself will not bring mom back. I hope you don’t take that wrong. I lost my mom suddenly in my mom 3.5 years ago. I’m baffled it’s been that long. I tried my best to bring her back but couldn’t. I had sever ptsd. I couldn’t sleep and if I did I was having hypnic jerks and biting my tongue.
Music is great for the soul. It is sooo healing. However if these are hard partying situations then I do get it.
That said she should be supportive. It’s hard to truly gauge if she’s saying to keep plans for selfish reasons or bc she doesn’t want you to drown ❤️Grief comes in waves is an extremely true statement.
Sounds like she’s showing you who she is, and she isn’t for you.
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom unexpectedly 2.5 months ago. If my partner said that, I’d instantly be done with that. Luckily, my partner has been my absolute rock. That being said, as someone who is slightly ahead of you in terms of grieving timeline, there will be days where you can get out of bed and enjoy life. I spent the entire first month in the same pajamas. Had to cut a chunk of hair out it was so matted. Didn’t shower. Didn’t eat. Just cried. My mom was my best friend in the whole world.
Now, I have mostly decent days. I still get upset and cry randomly. Last night even, I was sobbing thinking about it out of the blue. But I also find myself able to do things and enjoy them. I think maybe canceling now might be a knee jerk gut reaction that you could change your mind about in a month. But I get it. I was definitely of the same mindset in February.
That being said, I’m not sure I could be in a relationship with someone with so little empathy.
Edit: omg wtf kind of monster downvotes a dead mom story? lol people be wild.
Yikes, that’s an off-the-charts selfish mindset to have for your partner.
I do think you jumped the gun. It hurts now and it sucks losing a parent, but in a month or two, you might want to actually get away for a bit.
I lost my stepdad a couple of years ago, right before a major vacation with my inlaws. I spent the time before helping Mom out, then she insisted we go on the trip. Got Covid so probably would have been better if we stayed home.
Firstly, I’m sorry about your loss. May her memory be a blessing.
Nobody can tell you how to grieve, but… I think you’re looking at it the wrong way and making rash decisions. You don’t know how you will feel a few months from now, so it seems irrational to cancel everything ahead of time, based on how you are feeling now.
Also, from experience… forcing yourself into isolation is a very, very bad thing and it makes it so much harder to crawl out of that pit. The fact that you have good, fun distractions in the near future is actually a good thing. Being out and about, doing the things you usually love (even if you can’t enjoy it the way you intended when you originally bought the tickets), being with loved ones… it helps you heal. I was dragged out to go to dinner with family when I had JUST gone through an extremely traumatic bereavement the day before that had me going through severe ideation. I couldn’t even wash myself, I had to have help. But it was a temporary reprieve, sort of. It wasn’t a super pleasant time or a happy memory, I was terrible company, but it was a damn sight better for me than sitting in the house alone.
And sorry for the tough love here, but… this comes across as kind of selfish. I know you have been through something horrible and traumatic, and you deserve time to grieve and wallow for a little while, but does your girlfriend deserve to have those plans you made together just thrown out the window based on how you temporarily feel right now? Maybe you have a point with the closest event in May, if it’s in the next few weeks, but even so… I think you need to just table these thoughts until it’s nearer the time, and I think you just need to let people in and let them spend time with you and experience life with you, even if you’re still grieving.