Have others experienced similar dynamics with their families or their partner’s family? And how have you handled this?
So I grew up in a conservative family, but my parents especially were always kind and caring to everyone, not matter their background. My parents, while they certainly had their flaws, were always there for me and supported me. I always viewed my parents, for the most part, as good-hearted people.
I feel like MAGA has really warped my family. My dad is conservative, and has beliefs I disagree with, though he is willing to listen to me. My mom has an obsessive tendency about her and has attended local MAGA rallies, has an obsession with Trump, tries to tell me almost every time I talk to her that I shouldn’t get another COVID booster or any vaccine really, etc. She doesn’t have beliefs so much as she just blindly supports Trump and thinks that he “loves America” and “always puts America first.”
My brother has always been sort of an asshole and has severe insecurity issues, but as he’s gotten older, he has definitely more consistently said racist and derogatory things. My sister has hopped onto the RFK train and is anti-vax (she has kids, and I don’t think she’s gotten them vaccinated, plans to homeschool them, etc.). She also labels herself as “spiritual” and basically tries “not to get involved in politics” and “believes the best will always work out,” which also just frustrates me.
I am definitely more left-leaning, but I hold my views based on principles rather than in association with a political party. I’m not loyal to anyone because I know that people associated with any party can be corrupt in their own ways. I know conservatives who abhor MAGA and Trump, but I feel like the principles my family holds are not in line with my own, which leaves me feeling uncomfortable, angry, and sad.
I was definitely a quiet kid growing up and bit my tongue in a lot of situations, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to push back on my family more for their beliefs. I have tried an approach of being level-headed and respectful in pushing back on things, attempting not to push them away by being rude or hostile, but my girlfriend thinks I need to be more direct and explicit in how I feel and how I’m not okay with a lot of these things, which I can agree with. I try to take an approach, however, that actually invites them to think differently and engage with things they disagree with.
In an ideal world, I would love to be closer with my family and I would love her to be close to them as well. However, she feels uncomfortable around them, and I honestly don’t blame her because I do too a lot of the times. I don’t want to completely cut off my family, but I also feel helpless oftentimes at any attempt to change them or truly get through to them. My girlfriend, despite her discomfort, has also said she doesn’t want me to cut off my family, but in practice she rarely comes with me to see them and it’s always a tense conversation when attempting to plan things with them to build bridges. I do feel like I’m one who attempts to build inroads with people while my girlfriend is definitely more direct with people and is more quick to cut them off.
It just sucks that I feel so much has changed since this era of Trump and MAGA with my family, and while I am definitely one to see things as more grey rather than black and white, there are certain things that I draw a hard line in the sand on, particularly beliefs that dehumanize other people or beliefs that lead to the direct harm of people.
Any advice or how others have navigated similar situations is greatly appreciated.
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This is simple, if everyone is a grown up. There are obivous areas of conflict, so everyone avoids those. Talk about the weather, the grandkids, your last vacation, and keep the politics the fuck out of it. e.g. when talking about the grfandkids, don’t discuss vaccines, don’t ask about vaccines, etc.
My sense is that you, OP, are trying to do that, but your parents and sibs go down these rabbit holes because they think “Every right-minded will of course agree with me.” And that’s just assholery – like imagining that your own religion is somehow superior to everyone’s else. (Of course it’s worse than that, because they’re the ones ignoring the most objective data).
So it’s up to you. Your only leverage as adult children is your presence in their lives. “Mom, Dad, we want to come to visit you, but not when it devolves into an argument or if you’re lecturing us about things you know we’re not interested in. So, starting now, if you bring up divisive topics, we’ll pack up and leave. If we just got here, we’ll leave. If you’re about to carve the Thanksgiving turkey, we’ll leave. We’ll come back the next month, because we love you, and want you in our lives, but we won’t stay when anyone is being divisive.” AND THEN DO IT.
It may take several times. It may take many times. It may be a contest of the wills, since clearly they rather be “right” than kind. But they CAN’T be lecturing you if you’re not there, so their only choice will be to knock if off if they want you to complete a visit.
I have had political disagreements with my family and the key is to get rid of all ideas of trying to “convince” them of your position.
With my father in particular I remember that if I went in ready to “destroy him with my brilliant logic” he would just double down and become more entrenched in what I was convinced were absolutely wrong ideas.
Looking back I realize now that the whole basis for my conversations was to “convince” him and “attack” his positions and “defend” my own.
While accusing him of being close minded I was also being incredibly close minded because I just knew how absolutely right I was about everything!
In the end the communication breakthroughs came when I didn’t approach political topics as a debate but rather as two people searching for great ideas.
Basically I tried to use them as a chance to learn something about his positions… even if I saw them as ridiculously misguided and wrong.
So that’s my advice: don’t go in to “push back” or “argue”. It won’t get you anywhere and you’ll just end up cutting each other off (and further entrenching them in their positions).
Try to remind yourself that you are there to learn too and though you might be right… because they’re your family it’s worth hearing them out.
The key here is to make more money than your whole family.
They’ll follow whatever you say after that.
My girl and I are the same as you two.
She is left leaning, from a tiny Caribbean island. And my parents are straight hicks.
But they have lately started asking me to send them money so I just tell them it’s a stimulus check from Joe Biden to make themselves question reality.
Are you asking if it’s a dealbreaker for your girlfriend? Yes, it can be. Eventually, something is going to happen to someone your girlfriend loves and what are you gonna do about it?
Unless you are a professional, you cannot deprogram people from a cult. And honestly, if your family can’t look around at the carnage of the last months and say “we made a mistake” why the hell would you want be around them? Those are not good people. The people you knew are dead. And no, they’re not worth saving. If you really want to get through to your family, cut them off, make them feel the emotional repercussions of their actions.
IMO, it’s not your job to get your girlfriend and your family to see eye to eye. If your girlfriend says that they make her feel uncomfortable, don’t try to get them together anymore. If you are going to see them, mention to her that’s what you’re doing and make it clear that she never needs to feel like she has to join. If your family asks why they don’t see her, tell them the truth, that their political attitudes are shitty and your girlfriend doesn’t want to be around people who openly dehumanize others.
Your gf doesn’t want a relationship with your family, respect her boundaries, if you can’t, the relationship should end
I have a sibling who said he would have voted for Trump if he was American. I then asked him point blank if that meant he was knowingly supporting a rapist.
His answer? That women were the problem. That they just trap men, are treacherous and only use men because they cannot take care of themselves.
I, his only female sibling, have never been in a relationship, which he is aware of. He had been to the condo I bought with my own money, I drove him in the vehicle I bought by myself, and paid for my own meal when we went to dinner.
So I asked if what he was saying also applied to me. And he could not answer.
I say this to explain that brainwashing is designed to make logic and reason sound insane. You’ll never get through to them, for your own sake, you will have to at least distance yourself. There’s nothing you can do.
“attempt to change them or truly get through to them” – Why do you need to change them or get through to them?
If they are not doing anything to harm you or your own family (gf and future wife/kids), then just let them be. Just remember that your gf doesn’t “need” to be in your life, she chooses to, so if you choose to be in hers, then you have to stand by her and defend if needed against your family.
But you two should try to talk, tell her that you are not in line with your families opinions but you also don’t want to exclude them. Make it clear to her that you will stand by her and defend if needed but that you should just let them be, because rants, discussion, debate, explanations and what not are not going to change your families view on things and life.
They don’t want to change, so you’ll not be able to change them.
Don’t ask her to come with, don’t expect her to build bridges. And know there is nothing you can say or do that will get through to them. They have access to as much information as you do. And their moral compass is pointing them to beliefs you find repugnant. You’re no more able to change their compass than you are to change magnetic north. Accept them as they are and make your own decisions accordingly.
I think she’s also feeling out how much you agree with their stances. Pushing her to hangout with them will not go in your favor.
Simplify the question: ask yourself “how can I build bridges between my non-racist girlfriend and my racist family?”
Then ask yourself why you ever thought your girlfriend would want that.