Hi friends,
I find myself in a situation where I’m sitting here confused and wondering if I did the right thing. I could do with your advice and opinions if you care to give your time.
Me 36M and my girlfriend 33F have been together just over a year. Its been a great year and we’ve done many adventures and making memeries togerher as a couple and with our children also. We both have youngish children who get along and play nicely together.
We spoke about our future vision on moving into my home that I own one day in the future, Around 2/3 years time.
I have her children every other weekend to allow her to work., and to save long travel for her childrens father.
Her background is strong where she had a long 10+ year relationship with her childrens father, who we are all amicble with and co parent effectively. She is a full time mother and works 20 hours a week around the kids. I work full time and have my children reguarly. Her upbringing was good.
I was happy and I thought she was too. I had no indications or any trouble in seight, our relationship was floroushing,. About 7 months in I heard a voice note she sent to a friend saying that she “finds her self questioning herself about me” “do I love him or with him for convienance” “I booked us a holiday but when it comes to it will I even want to be with him”
We had a holiday booked in 2 months time. This came as a shock as I have no idea, and everything seemed like it couldn’t get much better, I felt like if I cant make her happy if she isnt satisfied now.
I confronted her about this, and she assured me its probaly her hormones and her mental health a little bit where she was just feeling unsure of herself and would of spoken to me if these feelings become legitamet and she really feels this way. That this friend is more of a friend who listens like a counceler to her. However it was her tonality and her choice of words that bothered me.
I explained and made a clear boundary with her, which she agreed apon, that I feel its important to our relationship to keep any issues and feelings we encounter between ourselfs and communicate to eachother. Not to seek advice and validation from friends. I felt strongly about this because I’ve seen the damage 3rd party opinions can cause, especially people that are loyal to her. She agreed and said she will not gossip to friends again and respect our relationship. I feel its not controlling, its protecting our love and respect for eachother. She can talk to her friends as much as she likes, but not about our issues and things related to our personal relationship. Should be kept beween us.
She never stopped talking to her friends, in particular one friend. She just got more smart with hiding it from me, with not listening to voice notes or opening messages in my company, and deleting them as she goes. This become evident to me.
I understand sometimes women need to vent a little, but theres releasing frustrations and disrespecting your partner dipicting a negative outlook on him to your friendship circle. A clear line that i felt was crossed
So fast forward to now, over a year in and I began to pick up on these behaviours and listened in. Now, part of me regrets this, as I am aware that its kind of self sabatage and I will only see truths I wish I didnt, and the effects that will have on my overall mindset and love for the relationship and how I view her. But II want the truth, and I should never have heard anything so disrespectful and hurtful. In a way I would rather know the truth to protect myself or be used. Maybe I wish I never heard what I did but at the same time why was it said? I had reason to suspect. I cannot unhear it now.
She began to judge absolutely everything I did and mentioned it to her friend, almost like a review. Even the minor things, for example if I fell asleep after a long week at work on a saturday night she would act fine and loving to me, but have a big issue with that to her friend. Everything I did was critizied and judged.and downplayed in a disrespectful manner.
She spoke about how she would meet someone else, and imagined that reality of how to find someone
She would tell all her friends and repeat herself of the issues shes feeling, in a way that is twisted and gathering supporters to rally against me, it creates a unfair opinion on me to her friends, and now I wont feel comforable being around any of them. It wasn’t fair, I’m not there to defend myself or tell my side of events. I did so much for her and I’m left feeling used and disrespected.
The things she said about me was
“Im caustous of opening your voice notes /messages when im around him incase he sees it, like my friend the other day mentioned things and he could have easily seen that”
“its really icky and he gives me the ick”
“i dont feel cuddly with him anymore, I just dont want to be touched, natrually I dont want to”
“I keep thinking about my future and putting a deposit down somewhere and I am not thinking about my future with him at all” “If I am being realistic and thinking if I was to be single like worst case scenario” “or if its coz im really not seeing my future with him”
“I dont just know what im feeling anymore”
“Another resaon why I need to stick it out with him and I know this is bad and should’nt be for this reason is because he has my kids every other weekend and if he didnt I;’d be screwed, I want to stay in my job for another year and then I want have to work the weekend” “I need him to have the kids every other weekend otherwise im fucked” “I know I shouldnt do it for that reason but its not only that, I wan to give myself some more time to know for sure if I wonna be with him or not”
“I dont like to make the wrong decision”
“he is there for me a lot, I think if I didnt have him I would struggle, its little things like having my kids, and building my things in the house” “Like I said before its convienance, I need the help at the moment”
“I love his kids and see them as my family now and I will miss that”
“I just really need to think about how I’m feeling”
“I want to see my life with out him and see if I will be happier or not”
“I know my kids will adapt to what I do in life so if i do break up with him”
“I dont want to go back on dating websites but I also dont want to be single and lonely for a long time”
“the only way I’m going to find someone else is going out and meeting them, but when do I have time to go out”
“I look at other relationships and I get jelous, seeing family things”
“for us being together for only a year and feeling how im feeling tells me something is wrong, or is it just a test and we will be really strong again”
“I shouldnt be thinking about him having my kids at the weekends but I do”
“I shouldnt think about using him but I do think about the convienance”
“I feel like even when hes the nicest to me I still feel like its not working, theres issues still that need to be solved”
“I dont actually trust him”
“do i stick it out till I dont need him to have the kids every other weekend”
imagine hearing this from the person you love
there is more but you get the idea
To my face she is nice and loving, I had no idea she was feeling like this, I just knew she was talking behind my back, which made me wonder what was being said.
There was no communication to me, I was shocked to hear this. She is always the perfect girlfriend to me, but paints a different story when im not around, its two faced and disrespectful and says alot about relationship, it doesn’t feel like she loves me, or has enough respect for me as her partner to say these things
This was the final straw for me and I ended the relatnioship. How can I trust her now, and in fairness how can she trust me too. Is this salvagable?
I’m not sure if I made the right decision or not as we was really happy for the most part, we never had big arguments or toxic or abusive. its just that hidden side I had no idea about, and the lack of respect shown after all I do for her. What she said hurt me and I dont know what to think anymore
Thanks for reading
Comments
Run my guy. A relationship early on should be easy and good. You’re working too hard. Swimming against the current. She doesn’t respect you. You want to be with a woman who complements you behind your back. Not disparages you. Women like this swing branch to branch and don’t want to end one relationship till they’re rooted in another. Do yourself a favor and cut ties.
I’m going to be honest if she can talk that way about you to her friends and just wants to rally people against you then I don’t see how you can think on a future together…. There’s no respect there for you. It’s like your side don’t matter.
Bro she doesn’t like or respect you. You made the right call. I don’t think any self-respecting person would stay in a relationship where their partner straight up tells their friends they don’t like you.
She made a choice to let her friends into your relationship, now they can be her support system. Move on, you’re better off without her in your life. Sounds insufferable
I think you made the right decision. From the sounds of the voice note, it seems like you were purely a convenience for her and the relationship was always temporary. I couldn’t have imagined how it would’ve been like if you moved her in with you.
But I totally get asking your partner to keep issues within the relationship. It’s an understandable boundary and one that keeps both partners from disrespecting their significant other behind their back, which she has broke consistently. You need someone who is able to talk with you about what’s wrong to your face and not to other people. She was hiding her true thoughts and motives which is wrong. Relationships should be open.
Good riddance!
Nah you can’t.
I mean, who among us hasn’t wondered if we’re just with someone for convenience? But, should you really discuss that with friends behind their back?
Don’t accept disrespect and you will get respect
You’re very fortunate to have seen her true thoughts about you.
Now you must act to protect yourself. You broker it off. Now make sure she doesn’t worm her way back in.
Do you really want to save whatever this is??? Shes toxic!
She doesn’t respect you. You need to cut ties completely and move on. She has different priorities and you aren’t one of them. Get tf out of the situation. Yesterday!!
I would change her childs pooey nappies, care for them, sleep overs, pay for their favourite foods, run endless erans in my car, take them out, theres a long list of things I did for her and her fmaily, my support in all aspects. To hear what she said and the tone and choice of words she used come out of her mouth just broke me. It was extreme and usuing.
I understand you might dig at your partner now and then, but this was far worse than that. To speak openly about breaking up with me to her friends and to speculate around that idea, is just nah.
I dont regret that I heard the truth, I would of got more hurt in the future, however wrong I am for finding out, she said it, it was her own true feelings and motives.
She loves to gossip it seems, and hear her own voice, which I never knew from the surface. I’d take her out on a date, have a nice evening, nice following day, pay for it all. and then if I came home to sleep, she would wake up and send a 20 min voice note about how terrible I am and how shes feeling all this stuff, then sends me a nice morning message, she loves me and have a nice day.
I just cant deal with that level of betrayal
Your title is the most idiotic thing I’ve read in a while. Not even going to read anything else. She should be the one asking that question, not you. What are you going to do, tell he she needs to “re-establish trust”. Why should she care?