I have been dating my girlfriend Olivia(33f) now for a year and a half. Her previous relationship was with Daniel(34m) who she started dating at 16 year old and had lasted 13 years. Daniel was an abuser and the absolute worst kind.
The other day I was out with her and her friend Tyler(F) at a restaurant. Tyler and Olivia were drinking. This man and his family walked in and Tyler started laughing and said to Olivia holy shit that’s Peanut and then added the line remember when you were fucking him on the side for weed. The next day i confronted Olivia about what Tyler had said. She told me everything.
In her late teens/early 20s Olivia used to smoke weed. Daniel also used to smoke weed, which Olivia said would be the only time she knew he wouldn’t beat her, but also used coke and meth. They would go to this guys named “Peanut” house and usually would hang out there for several hours getting high before going home.
At one point not to long ago Daniels coke addiction got extremely bad. He began missing payments on their vehicle to fund the addiction and he became erratic and violent. He ended up almost 3 grand in the hole with Peanut. One day when Daniel was at work Olivia went to Peanuts to get weed in an attempt to calm Daniel down. She ended up smoking weed and watching tv with him and it eventually led to her giving him a blowjob on the couch. This led to an almost 5 month affair where she would drop Daniel off at work, her kids at daycare, and go over to Peanuts. She would also leave and meet him on backroads for quickies whenever he asked and a “few” times would “take care” of his friends needs. In return Peanut would give her weed, forgave Daniel’s debt, and no longer sold to Daniel. Near the end of the affair she ended up pregnant but did not know who the father was. She and Daniel are white, Peanut is black. When she told Peanut he told her to abort it and he was done. She told me that by a stroke of luck she had a miscarriage early on but that ended her sleeping around. When I asked her why she did it she said because he was showing me attention and wasn’t beating me.
I asked her how many other times she cheated on Daniel and she said 3 times but they were only one time things. Once was with his cousin Matt when she was 18. They had been drinking and had all passed out on the floor. Matt was behind her and they ended up having sex. The other was a former baseball teammate of Daniel’s, Andre, they had sex in the dugout after a game. And the last was a man named Clayton who she used to work with. She had told Daniel she had to work late and ended up meet Clayton behind an abandoned building. All these were before the Peanut incident.
At this point I’m so torn. I unfortunately have dealt with Daniels, who is still using drugs, antics. He is a psychopath and Olivia has had to take two restraining orders out on him since we’ve been together. She also shown me pictures of when he beat her before. It took her so long to get in a position mentally and financially to leave him. She was in therapy for almost two years after the relationship to even get the point she wanted to date again. She’s told me she’s in a better place now than where she was. But she’s also admitted to cheating multiple times. She also admitted to having a months long affair with her drug dealer AND apparently some of his friends. She hasn’t not once given me the slightest inclination that she ever cheated on me or would.
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Date the person in front of you for who she is not her past imo. I know on reddit cheating is seen as like some ultimate evil but 🤷🏾♂️
Sounds like a super fucked up situation that’s all in the past. If she is a good person now that’s all that matters
I would leave. She’s very likely to cheat on you at some point. Drug user too, former or not. Terrible situation.
She will complain that she was honest and you left anyway, but I would just walk away now before investing more time.
Maybe get some therapy for yourself to see if her past is something you can forgive and forget. She’s always going to be struggling with sobriety and ptsd from that relationship no matter how much therapy she gets too. As long as she’s fully committed to you AND her sobriety, it shouldn’t be an issue, but if you hold any mistrust or resentment it’s not going to last. Couples counseling might be good too if you decide you wanna make it last
Just a bit above reddit users’ level of knowledge….. It can’t be easy for you to have to deal with what she tells you… She lived a completely different life then, and she has had several conversations with a therapist.. Normally I would say once a cheater always a cheater…. but with the relationship she had with her ex, it’s not.. I can’t imagine how she felt..
Imma be honest- she sounds like she has heavy baggage throughout her whole life. I honestly dont think I could deal with someone like this because this extensive of a history doesnt just end overnight. The second you guys have a problem she will fall back to previous behavior: drug use, rampant cheating and sleeping around with randos for favors. It’s nice that shes better but she has spent a large part of her life being this way and I have a hard time believing she wont fall back to those ways when the chips are down.
Its up to you if you want to look past it but I think you could decide to walk away from this if you wanted to and most would understand.
Your last line is relatively worthless. Do you think she gave Daniel any indication that she would cheat on him?
Her story and Tyler’s story, or the version she told her is very different from the one she told you. For your version, she’s absolved of accountability and cheated for her partner’s debt. She played on your sympathy. The version she told Tyler, she did it for her own gain. Otherwise why would Tyler “brag” about so nonchalantly about their arrangement?
Every other instance likely couldn’t be spun for sympathy and was entirely for her own gain.
And you fell for it.
She’s been in an abusive relationship for 13 years with someone who did coke and meth and also cheated on that person to score some weed. Did she grow up at all or is she still that immature?
Are you paranoid now or did you sweep it under the rug since you found out.
Yeah, I don’t think this is the situation of ‘ cheaters never change’, this is a specific situation of where she made some strategic decisions in order to subdue her abuser.
Op, I would say if your interested in making this work , then you should you try couples counseling and address your feeligns.
I think this maybe the one situation where your partners ex, deserved to be cheated on, and her actions were really just based on the being with that person , and not part of her character.
second verse, same as the first… let me see your hands in the air Boston
Damn that is horrific. I couldn’t deal with that
Yeah it’s not gonna get any easier to end things, and you’re already feeling like this about her. Just walk
Some questions for you:
Do you like who she is now? Does she make you happy? Does she improve your life just by existing?
Most important: Do you trust her? Not who she was THEN, but who she is NOW.
If the answers to those questions were an emphatic “YES” then it’s worth it to stay.
However, if the answers are “YES, but…” more discussion with yourself and her is required.
Specifically a conversation about boundaries. If this makes you feel insecure, what can she do to help instill some security?
If your response is to become a jailer, leave.
If your response is a set of small actions that won’t completely throw her life off, give it a shot, see if it works.
Regardless, if it’s a deal breaker, it’s a deal breaker. You’re allowed to leave for any reason. You’re not obligated to stay.
bruh, run. Sure he might be an asshole, but she was with him for that long, she started cheating on him at the start of their relationship, with his cousin, just because the guy was there, not because she had feelings. Chick is bat shit crazy and stayed with an abusive piece of shit for years. She had kids and would drop them off at daycare so she could go fuck her drug dealer and his friends for weed.
Everything about her screams fucking run, red flag after red flag.
LIke even the miscarriage. ANOTHER kid with an abusive prick, or a drug dealer and even he’s saying get an abortion and she’s too fucking stupid to get an abortion and gets lucky with a miscarriage.
Firstly that should be telling you, one broken condom or her wanting to trap a ‘good’ guy who doesn’t beat her and you’re having a kid with a cheating, drug dealer fucking crazy woman.
That’s all before the fact that you have a crazy ex to deal with.
Even without the cheating that history of hers is a NIGHTMARE, the only thing you need to do if you want to have a happy healthy normal successful life is to RUN. Get as far away from her, and aaaany of these friends and this group of people where any of this is normalised in any way as you possibly can as fast as you possibly can.
You really want the love of your life to be some girl that was in a long term relationship with a meth head and got ran through by his drug dealer, and drug dealers friends?!
Have some self respect and demand a better future for yourself my man.
Stay, if she cheats never look back.
Cheaters are gunna cheat but those are some fucking extraordinary circumstances there depending on when all the abuse started happening.
I would end everything and leave without looking back. Your relationship is full of drama, and you’re making too many excuses. The decision is yours. Good luck—you’ll need it.
She’s for the streets, my guy.
Once a cheater, anyways a cheater.
all of these (obviously) men in the comments are actually kinda pissing me off tbh. i agree with a lot of people saying get therapy for yourself or together however you choose, and look to see if you can handle her past. which a lot of it seems to be for survival. she litterally paid off her abusive ex boyfriends debt through sex. i know people who have been killed over their debts to their dealers. she got the dealer to stop selling to him too. not many people would put themselves in that position for their partners, abusive or not.
if it’s true that she gags at the smell of weed in public now, and she has PTSD i’m sure she wouldn’t put herself in another situation that could trigger that. but if she ever does cheat on you i would leave. have hard conversations and be open minded but set the boundaries you may need.