I recently turned 18 and it’s been a while since my birthday. My girlfriend was only 15 and her mother found out we were dating. When she sprung the news on me, I just agreed. I was just like “okay, makes sense”.
I liked her a lot, but I knew that it would have happened, since I also was contemplating the break-up for a while. I wanted to do it a bit after my birthday, which was gnawing at me. I felt like we sort’ve lost our connection. I had to start texting all the time or we would just not talk. I was the one who had to make plans to see her. I usually went all-out with presents for her bday and valentines day.
I knew that it was more damaging on me financially and mentally to be with her, but I was just infatuated with her. I remember walking with some friends. I was rather tired and acted all gloomy. They randomly asked me if I walked with (girlfriend’s name) acting like that. I unconsciously smiled when I thought about her. That’s how cooked I was lol.
The whole break-up thing really didn’t make me feel too bad. Then she started making comments. I didn’t know whether she was trying to get me to react, laugh at a dumb joke or if she was being genuine with me. After I was just like “I understand. It is what it is”. She seemed confused, then started saying stuff like “tbh babe, you were sort’ve limiting me”, then “damn, now I have to get back into the talking stage with a bunch of people”, then “I wonder if (random dude’s name) is still single”. I remained unfazed. I was just playing Chess, so I just locked-in on that. When I finished my game, I said a simple statement. “Yeah, it did sort’ve feel weird when my friends were talking about their girlfriends and then you got me doing my best to avoid the topic”. My cousin and her boyfriend were with us to basically mediate any tearjerkers and she (my cousin) basically agreed with my pov. My girlfriend didn’t say anything after that and just left a few moments later. She usually stayed until I left, but she went downstairs for a while and a bit later without me noticing.
I just don’t know what to feel. I didn’t even cry when I got home. I just did my usual daily activities, but I felt off. I was stuck between “she never loved me”, “I was gonna break-up anyways”, “it’s better”, “I miss her”, “did I stop loving her”, “did she stop loving me”, “did i break her heart by acting nonchalant”, “did I underreact”, “why did she say all of that?” and a bunch of other crap. It’s like the break-up didn’t do anything. It’s just the events before it and the comments after it that were screwing with my brain.
I spent some time to myself to get my emotions in line, then I caught myself texting a girl that liked me but did nothing bcz I was dating my gf. I started thinking “maybe it’s better if I move on”, but then I thought “I don’t want her to think she was only an option”. Fucked up part is, the girl that I’m chatting to has a boyfriend, but she’s making it very obvious that she likes me still. Then I started thinking “damn, was my girlfriend doing the same thing with me?”
Well, just needed to get that load of horseshit off my chest