The previous day me and my girlfriend (b) were texting and I was talking about how she doesn’t seem real with how much we get along and how natural our relationship feels. I said in the same conversation that if I woke up and it all turned out to be a dream I don’t think I’d be able to live. She replied to that message, “I barely ever feel guilty but that made me feel guilty for some reason” I asked her why and she didn’t answer me, I didn’t pay it too much attention but today I rembered not getting an answer to one of my questions but I couldn’t forget what it was about. B texts me and asks me if I rembered when she said she felt guilty when I said sweet things. I told her yeah, I meant to ask her about that. She said she wrote about why and she didn’t know if she should show me because “it’s kind of hard. It makes me feel even worse.” She also said that she’s scared I might interpret it wrong. I told her she can show me but only if she wants to and that if I have questions I’ll ask. (she made it clear this was not an “escape”) I can’t possibly portray her emotions as she does in my own words so here’s her msg: “I told you I feel guilty when you say sweet things about liking or loving me. You ask why. I evade the question like a plague and never tell you the truth because I’m afraid of it. I’m afraid of hurting people I care about. I care about you, I really do. But I cannot love you. That’s why I’m guilty. I drag myself into situations thinking maybe I’ll change, but I just don’t. I’m incapable of feeling love towards any man that isn’t him. It’s wrong and selfish, I know. I’m trying to get past it but I can’t seem to. I loved him, even if I say I didn’t. It hurts a lot more than I say or show but I refuse to show him that he won. I hate that I can’t love anyone romantically. I try so hard to find the good in my partners but all I can do is compare them to him. You….I don’t mean to compare him to you, or you to him but it’s what my brain does, it just happens and I just want to break down all over again. I’m sorry that I can’t love you. But I do care, I care so much. Maybe even too much. But I will not say “I love you too” until I actually mean it because that would be lying.” Reading this my brain was ridden of any emotion other than greatfulness to have her, I was smiling. The last part made my eyes water though. I thanked her, I thanked her for not wanting to lie and I told her I loved her even more. She asked why and I didn’t have a reason. Any other guy probably would have just ran right then and there. Reading how much she cares about me in words just made what ever I felt towards her 10x stronger. Even if she can’t say she loves me, the amount of care is more than enough, if not better than just saying she loves me. We say goodnight but I text not knowing when she’ll respond but I didn’t care: “You are so great just the way you are; I’m not going anywhere” She says, “You’re way to amazing to be real”, “I was expecting to get yelled at or left” I reply to the first message and say, “I think the same thing about you every day” She asks me if I’m a robot, I assure her I’m not a robot. She calls me a fucking magical leprechaun. I smile even wider at this and then I reply to her second message: “I would be the most stupid guy in the world to do that”
So no, my girlfriend doesn’t love me and I know our relationship isn’t typical but until someone can define typical it doesn’t mean anything to me. She’s the fucking best.
Any questions or clarification needed I’ll be happy to answer as soon as possible. Thank you for reading.
TL;DR; : My girlfriend can’t say that she loves me yet and I love her even more because of it. Rember to be mindful of your partner’s needs to feel safe because past relationships can mess us up bad. Remeber there is no “normal” in relationships every relationship is different..