Hey everyone,
This isn’t a dramatic issue, but it’s something I’ve been quietly dealing with and trying to make sense of.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years. Over that time, she has frequently pointed out when she finds a man attractive. And I don’t just mean A list celebrities, I’m talking about lesser-known actors, influencers, and even completely random guys on social media or in YouTube videos. Whether we’re watching a movie, a vlog, or I’m just skipping through something, she’ll often say things like:
“Oh, he’s really hot,”
“Wow, he’s so handsome,”
“Who is that guy?”
; and it happens regularly.
I’m not keeping a tally, but I’d say I’ve probably heard her say something like that about other men over 100 times since we started dating.
Now here’s the part that gets to me:
During the same period, she’s probably called me handsome or good-looking maybe around 50 times, about half as often.
Again, I don’t feel insecure or “less than” because of this. It’s not about jealousy or ego. But when I hear her express admiration for other men’s looks twice as often as she does for mine, I can’t help but feel like it’s… off. Not crushing, but disrespectful, or at the very least, thoughtless.
I know people are allowed to find others attractive, that’s just part of being human. But vocalizing it that often in front of your partner just feels unnecessary. Especially when it creates a weird imbalance like this.
I’m not here looking for advice on what to say to her or how to deal with it. I’m more just curious:
Has anyone else experienced something like this?
Is this one of those things that’s actually pretty normal and I’m overthinking it?
Or is it fair to feel that this kind of behavior crosses a line?
Thanks for reading.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Yeah I’m kinda currently dealing with this. My man is bi so he really only does that with other men… idk if he avoids making those remarks about women for my sake or what lol. I’m not bothered by it only because he does compliment me a lot.
What you’re describing is her being unnecessary. I’m not vouching for you to play games, but if you started doing the same to her… how would she react, you think? Would she be hurt? Maybe she simply sees nothing wrong with it. A conversation needs to happen so you feel less disrespected
It’s micro-agressions used as a control tactic.
By pointing out the ‘Hot Guys’ she’s making sure you ‘Know Your Place’.
Can you imagine what she would do if you pointed out every attractive woman in every media offering, or on the street to her? She’d lose her freaking mind on you…
This manipulation is usually from women that can’t differentiate between a jaw line & personality, character, capability, ethics & morals, etc.
It’s monkey brain syndrome, they see something ‘shiny’ and since it’s shiny it MUST be ‘better’, so they drop what they have to pursue the ‘shiny object’.
Monkey trap, drill a hole in a gourd, drop in a shiny rock that just barely fits in the hole. Monkey grabs rock and can’t get their hand back out of the hole. They will not let go of ‘Shiny’ and they are trapped…
I’ve had this a few times with women I was dating, I simply say, “Then you should go date him” and excuse myself from her company.
Sometimes you have to choose your own dignity…
Another way to turn it around, I’m a student of observation. When they point someone out I say something like, “Brow ridge looks almost Neanderthal, cheek bones look Asian or Native American, jaw line looks Nordic…” or something approximate…
A scientific style break down WITH NO EMOTION and since almost no woman paid any attention to any science, it completely confuses them. Then I take my dignity and leave quietly.
I’m not livestock and I won’t be held up to comparison ridicule/manipulation.
She is testing you. Test her back with a break up
Wear brighter colors and lift heavier weights 🦚💪🏼
You can compete with Drewski