I’ve been dating a woman for about 9 months. She has a son who is 6 years old. I don’t have any children of my own yet and this is the first time I’ve dated anyone with kids. I don’t subscribe to any of those beliefs about avoiding single moms when dating, but a situation with kids involved just never really entered my life until I met her. She’s 34, I’m 32.
It was a little different than my previous relationships, especially at the beginning. She wanted to wait to introduce me to her son, which I was totally cool with, but this obviously meant not having the normal flexibility or spontaneity that you might normally have.
She explained the situation with her son’s father early on. She said he was an ex-boyfriend, things were amicable between them, and they shared custody.
I didn’t meet her son until we’d been dating for over 6 months. That went totally fine. Honestly, less awkward than I thought it’d be. Now, the whole situation feels pretty comfortable and normal to me. It’s nice being able to see each other and involve her son sometimes, instead of feeling like we’re sort of sneaking around. I didn’t realize how perceptive a 6 year old could be but wow. He’s a little spy, but a great kid and he causes no issues at all.
The weird part is the situation with the kid’s dad. It wasn’t until after I met him and one time when I was going to be there when his dad was coming to pick him up at my girlfriend’s house that she told me that his dad was actually somebody I’d met several times. A supposedly gay friend of hers. Ok, so what? Yeah I was surprised but it’s like before he realized he was gay they dated? Not the weirdest thing in the world. But why not tell me he was her child’s father when I first met him? She initially just said it’s awkward to explain it and when we first started dating she didn’t know at the time if there’d ever come a day when she’d have to explain it, so she waited.
Ok, so that’s still not a deal breaker for me. Whatever, I figure the situation with a potential ex and father of her child could be filled with a lot more drama that and there has never been any issues with him. He seems like a good, caring, involved dad.
Her son was with his dad, so we went out that night and had some drinks. She’s a lightweight and gets drunk after maybe 2 mixed drinks. On the way home she started asking me about whether or not I’d done various sexual things in the past, and about things she’s done. I didn’t realize but that was her way of leading up to the next part.. When we got home she told me she hadn’t told me the full truth about her son’s dad. They never actually dated. She was dating a different guy for 3 years, and they’re still good friends and I’ve met him too. They were dating and started having threesomes with the gay friend and they all had sex with each other. That’s how she got pregnant – didn’t even know which one was the dad at first. The boyfriend even stayed with her for a while, even after they found out the other guy was the father.
Why does this bother me? I can’t actually figure out why it bothers me but it does. Is it because she didn’t tell me the full truth from the beginning? Well, I can understand why you might not want to divulge that to somebody you just started dating. Is it because she’s still friends with both guys? Am I that insecure? I don’t even want to be so bothered by this situation, but I am. The next day, when she was sober again, she remembered what she’d told me and she asked about how I felt about it. I told her it was ok, that I wasn’t bothered by it, but that was a lie. I just don’t want to be the type of person that would get so hung up on it.
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You’re most likely bothered that you didn’t speak up right away. Now you’re probably regretting not doing so. To some people that’s a disgusting way to get pregnant and lot’s of people won’t be okay with that. You gotta decide right now whether you wanna continue or not. It’s not necessarily a relationship based on a lie but a it’s a huge thing to learn and obviously a nail in the relationship for some. Personally if it was me I wouldn’t continue an exclusive relationship with her but I’d let her know that.
So, she lied to you. She has a past. She has a kid.
This right here is generally why men advise other men to not date single mothers. For one reason or another, they just tend not to be in your best interest. The problems are not additive, they have a serious tendency to be exponential
It’s probably both reasons, her not telling you the truth upfront and her still be friends with them. Honestly it’s a weird situation though so I guess I can understand it? But maybe now you should have a conversation with her with just making sure to keep honest in the future
A bi mmf 3way is a lot to take in. DP, spit roast and likely the whole 9 yards is out of my comfort zone but to each their own. This is one of those situations where your imagination is going to be your worst enemy. Sorry man
Brother, that is a hot mess on a hot mess. What happens in 3 months when she reveals that actually, she’s still with baby-daddy (who is clearly bi, not gay) and ex, and all 3 of them are in an open relationship?
The situation would be hard enough with the truth, but she has lied to you at least twice now. How much you want to bet that you actually have the full truth now? You have met them multiple times? As in she hangs out with all 3 of them regularly? The baby daddy is excusable, dude is part of his child’s life. But the ex that supposedly "left" her after she got pregnant with a mutual friend?
She has to stay friends with her son’s father.
Then can you have a girlfriend that’s had a threesome? That’s something you need to figure out.
Tell her it threw you though. It’s better than just feeling uneasy and like you are hiding things. And a real sober conversation about it might help you figure out what you feel.
It probably isn’t the situation that has you upset. It is the incremental lying to you that is doing it. Who wouldn’t get upset by a "let me be honest" speech, that led to an okay I still wasn’t honest with you speech? At this point you are probably having some gut level trust issues with her. It is understandable. Is everything you know about her real? Or are there more let me be honest, and even worse okay now let me really be honest moments coming?
Now that being said personal shame can make a person act squirrely. I told my wife a lie about a scar on my cheek for the year we were dating. I only told her the truth shortly after we were married. How I got it was extremely embarrassing to me. So much I made a big lie about it I told to everyone not just my wife. She was upset about the lying, but she laughed at my embarrassment. Not in a bad way, but a that was way bigger in your own mind kind of way.
So your gf may have the situation built up in her mind that it is a deal breaker or makes her a horrible slut or some such. She was just testing the waters in what she assumed could be the end of your relationship. So in a way you should be glad she likes and trusts you enough to reveal the full truth to you.
You guys just need to have a "come to jesus" talk get all this stuff on the table, and move forward with the promise that either of you won’t try to soften any more blows with layers of lies. It will make you feel better.
It’s up to you how you feel, but I’d be more annoyed with the trickle-truthing thing.
I’d be telling her to make sure she discloses anything else now, because if anything else turns out to be not true in thr future, or a half truth etc. later on, then you won’t be able to trust her anymore.
“Hi bf. See this kid? He’s not my exes, he’s my exes friend that we used to have threesomes with. Cool?”
It’s a hard topic to bring up lol. I think how she did it is probably an okay way to do it
Being honest about being a slut can lose people based on values alone.
But having a kid from that? And it’s not even your exbfs lol? And the single mother dynamic of making sure only someone safe and probably long lasting is going to be near their kid
It’s hard. I’m not seeing a better way to do it without getting too risky
Edit: assuming there’s not more still lol
Trickle truthing is just weird. And I guarantee you there is more to come since it’s taking her months to tell you this much.
Everyone has history, sometimes it’s complicated. She should have been fully honest upfront, but I can see how a threesome resulting in a pregnancy including a gay guy (clearly bi) could be a lot to process. Relationships with single moms are complicated.
Clearly, this is a lot to process. What specifically bothers you: the lies by omission? or the threesome? or did you get a vibe she probing a about a MMF threesome?? or the she has a child?? TBH, take a minute to sort out your feelings and consult a therapist to help work through this situation if needed.
You’re annoyed because she’s drip feeding you. I’m sure it’s easier to lie to men to get them to stay then telling them the whole lowlife story. That’s not right. Being dishonest to get laid is obviously horrible, and you didn’t even get a choice. If you were a guy who’d walk away, that choice was taken away from you. You didn’t get to decide if you were OK with it. She let you get attached to her and the child first.
I think she needs to go make things work with her baby’s daddy or find a guy that’s OK with holding the bag after everyone in the room had fun unprotected sex with her. I don’t think it’s you. At least, I hope not.
I don’t know shit about you brother, but I guarantee you deserve better.
It’s the weird lying.
The thing is, she doesn’t owe you or anyone else an explanation behind the kid’s conception. Saying, "This is (name), my son’s father." would have been enough. If she wanted to, she could’ve said, "After dealing with his sexuality, he realized that he’s gay and there are no hard feelings among us. We’re still good friends and co parent well." and left it at that.
The problem is the whole, "Actually, here’s the thing . . ." and later on, "Actually, ACTUALLY, the truth is . . ."
Of course she didn’t need to tell the full story to a man she hadn’t dated for very long, but she treated it like it was something scandalous. Most women would’ve left it at, "This is my son’s father. We share custody." and introduced you so he could meet the man that now dates his son’s mother.
OP, you don’t want to stay with someone who keeps secrets or “trickle truths”. Do you want to spend the rest of the relationship wondering who else in your social circle she slept with?
Relationships built on lies don’t last. She’s proven to you she has a problem being honest.
She’s for the skreets
They say that one bad apple spoils them all… I assume her ex was the one… But I may be wrong, too.
I think youre upset because of the "lying".
Withholding information because you feel insecure about it is one thing. Introducing him several times and acting like he was just a friend (not her literal baby daddy) is lying though.
I’m looking at the comments in this post and I want to live in the universe where you just go up to person you’re starting to date and you just tell them absolutely everything about the whole life that could possibly be embarrassing or weird. This isn’t trickle truth thing. Trickle truth thing is when you get caught cheating and you keep saying well OK we didn’t really cheat. Oh well I did but it was just a blow job. OK I fucked him and his entire family that’s trickle truthing.
This is we’re just starting to go out and I don’t owe you my son‘s backstory yet he’s here. I’ve told you he’s here. I don’t think you guys understand that she has to protect that kid and one of the things she has to protect that kid from is her boyfriend looking at him one day so what’s it like having two dads that fucked your mom at the same time
You’re gonna say, but I wouldn’t do that. And you know you wouldn’t do that, but she didn’t. Information about him and about her life prior to him that lead his existence is going to be on the need to know basis. There are things that she is not going to tell you sometimes because she doesn’t remember them sometimes simply because she doesn’t know yet if she should tell you those things. You are not her first priority. The little boy is and that’s exactly how it should be. You guys aren’t married you’re not even been in a long-term relationship yet you need to be patient or you need to tell her you’re just not down for this relationship.
But this is absolutely not her problem. This is your problem.
It is the damage that trickle truth does to a person. You just can’t get the trust back after the story has been changed so many times.
So I think you’re picking up on the fact that this guy was gay and he loved having threesomes with your cis woman gf.
So basically what would bother me is realizing that she was hiding the fact that the kid is the product of a threesome, to hide that she likes threesomes (or used to), or just to hide that she ever tried it*. It consequentially hides how you view sex. This is context to having a child that anyone committed would become a dad figure to.
I think it’s likely the dad isn’t and was never gay. It’s just that she had a threesome, and is hiding the fact that she had a threesome to avoid being judged.
So she trickle truthed because she is looking for something very committed and serious for her son and is afraid of admitting she just flat out had a threesome.
SO it’s that you’re sensing she would lie to you about /hide things related to sex, what she likes, etc and you’re wondering if she hid it because a) she’s is really afraid of you doubting she wants a monogamous relationship, or b) she’s not an honest or committed person, does she still sleep with the dad?
And if this post is real I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It all depends on whether you agree it’s likely the dude is actually gay. I don’t think so. Ps) I’m a woman and not a Tate disciple. I don’t think the guy is gay…
First thing that jumps to mind is the kids father the gay best friend, Yeah he isn’t gay if he’s knocked her up he’s bisexual.
Secondly she has trickled truthed the utter shit out of you. And thirdly she was having 3sums and apparently not on very effective birth control, which seems crazy to me.
So in summary she’s a fucking hot mess dude!
This is set up for failure. Cut your losses and move on. Lies, omissions or whatever you want to call it is still a deal breaker and down the road it would come back up in some form or another.
Had a similar situation before, not the threesome thing but her dancing around the truth and in the end, it became an issue and she ended up lying about other things.
Honesty has to be first and foremost and if she wasn’t comfortable telling you, she should have said just that and given you the choice whether to continue and wait till she was comfortable or not.
You can work with the truth but a lie with cast doubt over anything she says going forward.
She’s trickle truthing you and spacing it out far apart so you don’t explode or leave .sounds like a bit of a mess, what else is she hiding ? Yano
Walk away…
It’s seems a little odd to trickle truth this way. I mean Jesus day who’s the father and be done with it. I feel like she’s trying to test the waters with idea that she’s into threesomes and if you are accepting of them.
The next reveal will be more of her friends with benefits relationship history but that she’s really in to you and know you definitely won’t judge her
Its the trickling, and rightfully so.
Can you see yourself marrying her and having kids with her? If not, break it off, and let her find someone else and you find someone else.
This is some serious trashy person. I advise you never marry a woman who was comfortable enough to have a threesome and than get pregnant because of it and than lie to you about it and still be totally good friend and comfortable with both guys. That’s a recipe for disaster for your future. Walk away
Welp, you’ve met em hope you’re ready to fuck em cause that’s the road you’re on.
I can see being thrown, stunned, taken aback, even a little hurt. Everyone is entitled to feel whatever emotions they feel. However, OP said he met they kid after 6 months and have only been dating for 9 months.
This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but it seems she was upfront about having a kid which is the important thing. She introduced them at 6 months. My guess is, She probably wanted to wait to see how that went, and if the relationship would continue or fizzle. If it didn’t work out, there would be no point in divulging any of the personal backstory of the child’s conception.
I can see why OP might be upset he wasn’t told sooner. However, from everything written in the post, it seems like she didn’t hold the info back to hurt him, manipulate him, or in any way be malicious. It just wasn’t his business to know until she felt secure enough in their relationship to divulge it.
What OP needs to figure out is, is this a deal breaker for him?