I (20f) recently started dating one of my closest friends (20f). Yesterday she told me she lies about me to people.
She goes to school and works part-time. I work full-time at a retail store making $12/hr. It’s not my dream job obviously, but I’m saving money and figuring out what to do. I don’t have a set plan for the future, and I know that’s bad. But I don’t know what to do and I’ve always hated school.
Yesterday she told me in passing that when people ask about me, she tells them I’m trying to be a nurse or that I work in a tattoo shop, neither of which are true. This hurt so bad, I didn’t realize she was so embarrassed by me. Especially because I always tell her and others how proud I am of her.
If I said something like that about her, she’d be furious, but she gave no fucks that it made me feel like shit. What makes it hurt more is that I’m the one paying for most of our dates and trying to get her things she wants, yet she can’t even be honest about me. She can accept my money but can’t be honest to people about me? I don’t know why she’s dating me if she feels the need to lie to people because she’s that humiliated.
It’s just so shitty to know the person you’re with would rather make up a fake version of you than be honest about who you actually are, even if it’s not the version she wants. But I think I am not justified to be upset since working retail and having no plan is pretty embarrassing for me.
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Why is she embarassed of you?
don’t beat yourself up over work or not having a plan. Tons of people figure stuff out late or on their own terms. Your worth ain’t about your job or money.
She’s lying because she’s embarrassed that you don’t know what you’re going to do. Likely a bad match.
sort of off topic but 12 an hour ?!?! its unfortunate to hear. what is your minimum wage in your area?!?!
she shouldn’t be embarrassed, that’s embarrassing for her honestly. EVERYONE starts somewhere, that’s how life works. the fact she feels the need to lie about you says something. where would she be if you lost your job, if you were sick and couldn’t work or if you were in immense debt? answer those questions and it might open up your perspective a little more. i’ve been with my boyfriend through his jobless phase, pizza driver job, walmart job and IT jobs and never once lied about him or felt embarrassed by him because i love him so much and im so proud at anything he does. please don’t beat yourself up about what she feels embarrassed about and what she lies to people about because in the end that makes her look like a bad person. good luck with however you decide to go about this and know you deserve someone who won’t lie about you and your figuring out of life because she’s “embarrassed” 🙄.
edit: spelling
That is rude…AND…women do want to see you as a provider and they want you to be doing something they can brag about to their girlfriends. Be mad about it if you want to, but that’s life. If you don’t get serious about your path in life a lot of girls are going to lose interest in you over the next few years. This is a good wake up call. Get moving young man!
she seems like a red flag, and honestly your job doesn’t define who YOU are as a person, only your personality does
If she’s embarrassed of you, then she’s just not the one.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. If she likes/loves you unconditionally, she would accept you for who you are. Her not caring about your feelings is a red flag. What else will she not care about?
And who does have everything figured out? I have a degree and am working, but I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Hope you can find someone that will accept you as you are.
She’s shitty, and that’s it. As you wrote, she can accept your money, but she also wants your status. That’s not going to change. The question is: are you okay with being with such a person?
A lot of women want to elevate their ego through their partner’s status, achievements, and “cool factor” to make others jealous that this cool guy wants to be with them. I’m not sure we can even call that love.
You will always wonder: what if someone with a “better life” hits on her? Will she be loyal? If you’re fine with the constant pressure to achieve more, earn more, and get better positions, to be better than competition just so she can feel better about having such a partner, then go for it.
But if you want a more two-sided and romantic relationship, where you are enough, loved, and respected unconditionally, then it’s going to be hard. Now it’s one sided, you are giving money, still figuring out life and she… she thinks only about herself and her “feeling good”, but does she think about you? What are you getting from this relationship? And you know… you are sooo young, not everyone is living instagram lives, where everyone is a millionaire by 21. Also, can you get over with knowing that your girl is embarrassed by… your life? Is she a good future for you? You are young but such questions are really important to not waste too much time on unhealthy, unhappy relationships.
I think you should have a genuine conversation with and let her know how you are feeling about this, if you don’t see changes after this then she might just not be the one
Almost the same issue recently happened to me, I went backwards and redated an ex. One should never go backwards. Everywhere is hiring so 2 months later when he was still unemployed living off of me and my oldest son whom outta the kindness of his heart offered to get him employment at his job. A Dennys chef, not a dream job but pays decent & is available. He refused, because he was too high and mighty to work that job but not too high and mighty to mooch money from my hard working son at his apparently crappy job. Needless to say neither of us refused to bend so we broke. I have worked many awful jobs to keep my pockets full, but anybody that knows me, knows my pockets are always full. I’m sorry she’s embarrassed by your employment ( I’m completely not understanding why she’d prefer you work in a tattoo shop) but you’re both going to need to bend or you’ll break just as I had. Don’t think of long term goals, just think about the short term. Kaizen: means focusing on small improvements every day instead of waiting for big improvements. It’s about trying to become 1% better every day.
I’m sorry you felt like this in a relationship. You appear to be someone with a plan and I think you need to at least let your gf know. Otherwise, it is a disservice to yourself.
A job is a job. Also, it would be weird if you had your whole life figured out at 20 years old. I know people in their 40s who are restarting their whole lives, trying to figure out what they truly want to do. Being alive is a very complex experience, and if we all had everything figured out by the age of 20, I really doubt there would be any reason to even exist.
I am not trying to persuade you, but I would definitely say you should reconsider your relationship with her. I know someone who met her husband in aisle five at Food Lion, and she wasn’t exactly happy about her love story starting there. But she loved her man so much that she always bragged about how she found the love of her life working at Food Lion, and it was the best thing she did at the time. Your partner should always be proud of you, and I hate that she’s making you feel this way.
If she has to lie about you, she doesn’t respect you.
I would have a conversation about it and tell her to stop. if she refuses, you need to get out. This is SO disrespectful of you and who you are
Dude. Why are you still with her? Now that you’ve made this realization, you’re wasting time. From this moment forward, every minute that you stay with her, is a minute that you chose to waste. It’s on you now, bud.
It’s one thing that she lied and is embarassed of you, it’s an entirely other thing that she didn’t care how it made you feel. She shows right there that she doesn’t give a fuck about you, so why are you giving any fucks about her?
I can understand why. It’s for protection
OP, make like a Ghost and vanish from her life. Women who arent afraid to tell the truth to their friends about what your possible plans, value you for what you bring to the table, breath life to you and help you keep your head straight are the ones to treasure. It really seems like she doesnt appreciate you at all if she states that she feels embarrassed to be with you. I must state like others have also mentioned as well. It’s ok to not have a plan for the time being. We all dont have it all figured out this early in life than others. What matters is what you do with the time and opportunities you have and can come across. I hope you can be treated better in your next relationship than your previous one.
You are 20. Many people don’t know what they want to do in their life and some never figure out their talents. You have time, but don’t waste it. Save money for a year so you are able to achieve the next step on your path. You can’t buy real love, so stop spending money on the woman. Explain the money is an investment in your future (even if you’re unsure what that is). You will be fine! Work on yourself and the right person will come eventually.
It’s perfectly fine to be in this spot for a 20 year old, I didn’t get my shit together until I was 30. I had long term relationships with beautiful/awesome women in my 20s when I didn’t have shit going for me, and they never lied about me.
If someone truly loves you they won’t prioritize their “image” over your feelings. You are so young too, you’re allowed to take your time figuring things out rather than rush it, I know about loads of people that got a useless bachelor’s degree etc