I met a wonderful woman. We clicked immediately, we once went to culinary school together and reconnected through a dating app. She’s the best thicc and weird, quirky, funny, hardworking and she’s truly likes me. We dated we kissed we fucked all was going reallly well. I saw a future with her I thought she was going to cure my loneliness and I thought we cared about each other more than anyone else.
I’m just gutted but she dropped a bomb on me after we fucked one day date evening.
“It’s been long enough I need to tell you… I have herpes. I take medication and I don’t let anyone near me during outbreaks”
I was in shock I really care about this woman and I know she shared something super shameful and serious with me. At the same time she didn’t disclose it to me in the beginning, she waited until after a month of fucking, unprotected.
The worst part is that she made me go get a std test before I had sex with her. She told me hers came back “squeaky clean”. I called her out on that.
I’m just lost I thought I finally had a sliver of joy. I need advice, I have no one to turn to, no one to ask. I’m not ready to lose her I was on the cusp of falling in love.
What should I do?
Comments
>At the same time she didn’t disclose it to me in the beginning, she waited until after a month of fucking, unprotected.
>The worst part is that she made me go get a std test before I had sex with her. She told me hers came back “squeaky clean”. I called her out on that.
Yeah that is super fucked up, dude. I wouldn’t stay with someone who would lie like that.
>she waited until after a month of fucking, unprotected.
Only you can decide whether that lie of hers is a dealbreaker for you. I need to say, though, that because you’ve been choosing to have unprotected sex, you are risking a lot more than getting herpes. You both are acting very irresponsibly.
To be honest, im probably gonna get hate about this and in no way was what she did right.
But I recommend finding out how she got it. Cause its one thing she was a 304 type lady and consequences caught up and its a whole nother thing she was 🍇d or something.
So be gentle for sure, bro
“It’s been long enough I need to tell you”
She needed to tell you before y’all had sex. That’s fucked up.
Run as fast as you can away from her!
She will always keep her interest first and doesn’t care about you at all… this will continue forever!!!
Leave her are you kidding me?! She lied and told you she was clean. That’s fucked up behaviour and she put you directly in harm’s way to catch an incurable lifelong and painful disease. Viral shedding is a thing.
if she lied about this just imagine the shit shes going to lie about when the relationship gets more serious. if i was you i’d already be half way there running to the hills
Naaa, she didn’t tell you before she slept with you ?
You should go take another test in a couple of weeks
Anybody can carry that virus for yrs without knowing or affecting anything, same virus as a cold sore. So if gets cold sores be careful. Or don’t even worry about it
The testing part was her time to be honest but she blew it.
Dunno where you’re located, Im guessing UK by use of the word ‘gutted’, I’m sure in the UK it’s like three in the states, where that shit is hella illegal.
My advice is to stop rawdogging people if you don’t want STIs.
Well, like 70% of people have it. Someone gave that to her. Not like she collected it willingly.
Nothing to fear if no active outbreak. Just eat lysine.
Std tests do not pick up on herpes.
Do some research about being with a herpes partner. Find out what you’re in for. Unprotected sex? Stop. Well there’s one way she could have gotten herpes. You better get yourself checked out. There are a few big trust issues you need to deal with before you decide what to do.
So, clearly lying isn’t cool. Although in the grand scheme of things, most people do have some strain of herpes. If someone doesn’t have it, statistically they’re in the minority. Not cool not to not be up front about it though.
I am so sorry you’re going through this.
She probably thought you’d leave if she told you right off of the bat that she’s infected.
Seeing as you’ve mentioned that you’re not ready to let her go just yet. You could sit down and ask her to quit lying to you and go from there. But if not, what really sucks and is aggravating is that now you have to tell every girl you talk to or possibly date that you carry herpes if your STI test comes back positive for it.
Send her back to the streets 😆 🤣
That is actually extremely illegal. I would say get an eye for an eye at this point. Unfortunately herpes is incurable under any circumstances. I would say take her to court, or just deal with it. She made a decision to lie to you and spread a disease that can ruin your sex life, as well as taint your reputation. Is she really worth it? That’s the question to ask yourself rn.
Get out ASAP she’s manipulating you
Shes a red flag. Turn the genders around and see it clearly
If her test was clean then comes and says this either she lied from the beginning or she cheated on you sometime within that month
I would ride this out a bit longer since you like her but long term? No, can’t trust someone whou lied about something so big for a month
That is something you tell upfront on the first date.
It’s criminal on her part.
She is playing with fire and you are too close. She could have given you the gift that keeps on giving. Hopefully not. She is lying by omission. Be done with this one. Lord only knows what other skeleton in the closet she has for you.
Well she definitely was not honest upfront which is a shitty thing to do. If you really like I would try and talk through it and continue to see her. Herpes is very common, lots of people have it.. and she’s right, if they’re treated and under control she may not have spread it to you.
Ouch.. that would be tough
I had this happen to me, she told me she had GHSV1 after the first time we had sex. No outbreaks and such. I didn’t know how to feel honestly
Isn’t that a form of assault?
Well if you can get over the shock and the fact that she withheld this, you might as well stay with her since you probably will both have it now. 🤷🏼♀️
I mean, you said you were on the cusp of falling in Love. You shouldn’t let a little treatable STD get in the way.
Whoa- she’s comfortable lying about major things. She has zero respect for you. Also, get tested.
leave her
Oof.. Reconsider this relationship
My late husband had herpes, but we abstained from sex during his outbreaks. He’d just say he was on his period. I never caught it because he was responsible.
Your lady should have been straight with you from the beginning, tho. Wondering if there is anything else she hasn’t told you . . .
This is a tough one tbh. If I was me I’d get tested and if I’m clean I’d dump her. If you test positive however I think I might hang on if this is the only problem that’s developed so far.
It must be an insanely hard thing to disclose. That being said, she fucked up royally by not telling you first. That’s crossing a line you don’t come back from.
Sucks for you but unfortunately you need to be a life lesson for her. I’d move on and go get tested. Herpes is relatively harmless but it’s for life.
She took your choice away of choosing if you were willing to have sex with someone with an STD.
I’m so sorry this happened to you:(
I edited this because I found out it isn’t a crime to not disclose herpes beforehand(I should have been more educated on the matter before I stated that my apologies) however it is purposeful deception to have sex which is assault.
Broooooo why you out here raw dogging girls you’ve only known a month??
What is the point of getting STI tests if you both don’t share the RESULTS IN WRITING.
This woman is treacherous and wouldn’t be surprised if she was trying to trap you by passing you the gift that keeps giving.
Get the hell out of there! Get tested and tell your doctor exactly what happened. Good luck man.
She took away your autonomy by lying to you and having sex. That’s severe.
Yah that’s pretty f’d.
Ive had similar happen twice but both told me before it got to that level. It’s embarrassing for them I’m sure, but they still told me
It’s a red flag, bc if she doesn’t tell you about that, she’s likely gonna hide other serious things that embarrass her from you in the future if you have a relationship.
It’s up to you if you wanna keep pursuing it or not
take another test and stop having unprotected sex with people you barely even know
Please, go get tested again. She should have told you before you guys got intimate. She sounds like a selfish POS. Leave her alone bro. Just make sure that she didn’t pass it to you.
I’d get tested and if it came back positive that you have it then I’d sue her for lying, she’s supposed to disclose that BEFORE anything goes down.
Idk man, I’d probably pass or downgrade to just friends and sex is off the table. Cause she made bad choices and she’s still making bad choices, it shouldn’t be at your expense.
What else would she hide after that? Secret bank account to pile up cash then leave you? You just never know with women who hide crap like that. She broke all trust doing that in my book, lit the book on fire. I’d be furious especially after you both got STD tests first.
She’s a real AH. I knew a girl who had herpes and she told me there’s a special dating app for people with herpes as to not spread it to other people, cause you can’t get rid of it😅 super wrong of her to act like she doesn’t have it. Might actually be illegal that she held that info from you and then had unprotected sex with you.
So she lied about her std test to your face? And not even for something that can be cured, but something that stays with you permanently. It’d be different if she was too shy to tell you, and held off on sex. But sleeping with you knowing she has shit is fucked up.
My inner voice’s petty ass would have wanted to say “it’s ok, I lied too, I have aids” and ghosted.
Yikes… it wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t approach this in a manipulative way.
Herpes truely is super common, but the way she went about this and completely made a false narrative about STDs, and initiated that, that’s pretty intentional and messed up. BUT, she takes medication for it, which is more than most people with herpes do.
—side comment though, you can get HSV-1 or HSV-2 on your mouth or genitals (or eye, etc locations) they are not limited to either location. Although HSV-1 is more widely known as the “cold sore”/mouth herpes, and HSV-2 is more commonly recognized as genital herpes. You’re are less likely to get HSV-2 on your mouth, but you are just as likely to get HSV-1 on your genitals as you are on your mouth. And herpes is quite common. And you can get it from just kissing. You can get it from giving or receiving oral, etc. any area of infection that touches an area that can be infected.
I’m going to assume she doesn’t have herpes on her mouth though if this is your reaction. Because you realize you can get herpes from kissing people right? Or sharing drinks? It’s quite common to contract. Then you can transfer it to genitals with any oral contact. I feel like you should be more aware and educated on this as well. Rather than just going about life not really caring. Like I said, she’s already doing more than most people with herpes by being medicated and actually caring if she spreads it. Good on her in that sense.
Stay if everything else is good. If that’s the only lie I could forgive a woman under those circumstances banging me unprotected of which there’s a pretty good chance I pushed for a bit (I picture things getting hot and heavy and her not wanting to ruin the moment with the disclosure she kept putting off even though the next best time was always now, certainly the best time was the STD check). Familiarize yourself with the symptoms of an outbreak and wrap up when in doubt.
As permanent as such an infection would be I’d tell you it beats the hell out of cheating.
ETA: If you drink regularly it might be a good idea to part ways. I was just gaming it out in my head and there’s no way I’d remember to check all the time, which is not to say I wouldn’t notice immediately. I’d probably end up diving face first into the wonderful world of Herpes.
LEAVE HER bro imagine if the roles were reversed! Nah she did you dirty. You dont want to be with someone like that
I would ask more questions and probe body language and response- I would ask why you didn’t tell me the first time we were going to have sex ? Based on her response , body language and your gut , I would go from there ..there is no excuse on her side – her mood that entire time is the biggest thing if she was anxious around you and like like you and was panicking and fidgety and can’t believe someone liked her and she fucked up – there might be a 30 percent chance to salvage … totally anecdotal off topic but I think women with sti might act faster to lock down a guy and overlook things because the herpes situation is so stressful to them they just want someone/anyone that will just be in a relationship. Dating is hard enough adding herpes even though it’s not a big medical deal makes dating even harder
Leave that liar.
I’m so sorry. This is a crime. You were violated & possibly be affected for the rest of your life. There is no cure for herpes but there is treatment. As many said, she took the choice away from you & knew exactly what she was doing when she lied to your face.
Can you get past all that? Is she really worth it at this point? With all due respect, no she isn’t. What she did is so cruel & fucked up there’s really no going back. Get to the clinic & really think about where to go from there. Like the police department.
I fail to understand why anyone outside of a long term relationship is willing to have unprotected sex. With the knowledge and understanding we have of STIs it’s just ridiculous.
That being said, while she is correct that transmission is very unlikely while she is medicated and not having an outbreak, it’s not her risk to take.
The fact that she had unprotected sex for a month without disclosing makes me question her character. If she is willing to hide that from you, what else will she hide or lie about down the road?
Hope you didn’t do any “tasting” 👀👅💦
The real issue is she wanted you tested but didn’t disclose her issues.
I know she probably wanted you tested bc she was probably lied to and that’s how she hit herpes. Ok fine. It’s easy enough to not pass on with the right precautions. But she needed to be up front before the first time you had sex.
Herpes isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Many people don’t even realize that they have it, much like HPV. But the honesty is the issue.
The question is, can you forgive that? I mean part of me sees why she hid it. Scared you wouldn’t give her a chance. But that doesn’t make it right.
If you decide you want to try to work past this, first, make sure you will be able to forgive and not have it come back with resentment. Then go see your doctor and see what you need to do to protect yourself. Get educated. I would also ask for her to get a full panel and show you the actual lab results. Not tell you.
If you choose to walk away, that is understandable. While in the grand scheme of STIs, herpes isn’t the worst, it’s the lack of telling you that is the issue. This could understandably cause trust issues with a lot of other things in the future, and if you will be carrying those trust issues, it’s best to walk away.
I would suggest getting retested.
Super fucked up. And a crime in some places.
I have known men who have had it for decades and have not passed it on. Some people have out breaks often some have outbreaks every 2 or 3 years it’s a variable. Hell you could have it from a previous partner dormant in your system just waiting for your immune system to be down do to illness and stress. Fever small blisters on the shaft headache fatigue swollen lymph nodes in the groin burning skin. Sounds like lots of folks have venereal warts as well and are unaware. Good luck and be careful fucking is dun but can be problematic and dangerous not to mention costly.
When people tell you who they are, believe them
Isn’t that a crime to knowingly not disclose an std?
Chill bro. It’s just herpes. The only way to not get herpes is to stay a virgin. You can get it with or without condoms. It isn’t a routine std test. You’re fine bro.
Whewww there’s a lot to unpack here! You need to get tested first and foremost because people can get it whether there’s an outbreak or not. After that, you’ve gotta decide what you’re going to do. From my research on it, the chances of passing it on decreases yearly to like 5% chance by year 10 (if I’m remembering correctly, it’s been awhile since I’ve read it).
i don’t think i could ever move past something like that. herpes itself is mostly benign, but the fact that she actively lied about it is concerning. she waited until after you said unprotected sex to finally tell you. do you want to be in a relationship with someone who hides things from you?
i would recommend getting tested.
Leave her asap. If she’s willing to lie about something that serious & then wait until you have already been exposed to catching it, she’s a dangerous woman. It’s borderline manipulative, if it’s not already
well, if she’s using the medication and you guys are not having sex during her outbreaks, it’s quite unlikely she’ll pass the virus to you. i think you two should talk through it, herpes is very common, most people are just asymptomatic
She could be lying about other things too. I would immediately get yourself checked and tell her this isn’t going to work. I’d give her some advice on not waiting until you’ve had sex to tell someone they have an incurable STD. Wtf was she thinking?
Which is it herpes simplex 1 or simplex 2?
Nope nope nope. Absolutely not okay. I always disclose before EVER getting intimate and I’ve never had a guy say “no thanks”. They appreciate the honesty and we were careful to be extra safe about it.
It’s super common for people to have but it’s so freaking important to inform sexual partners before. She messed up and I don’t know if that’s something I could move past.
File charges.
As someone who has genital herpes, I understand how it feels to have to disclose it to someone you like, it sucks. She definitely should’ve told you beforehand though. If she’s taking medication and didn’t have an active outbreak flaring up when you hooked up, you should be ok but honestly there’s still a risk of contracting it and it’s something you will have to accept if you want to continue with her.
She’s asked you for a test and you didn’t ask her?
The lie actually makes this sexual assault. She provided knowingly false medical information that invalidated your legal right to consent and then knowingly exposed you to disease.
Even if you stayed with her, could you even trust her to tell you when she is having an outbreak? If she wouldn’t tell you ahead of time that she even even had it, she clearly would lie about this. You’re lucky if you haven’t already got it.
Get the fuck outa that as soon as possible. Block her cold turkey. You’ll find another one. Watch yourself for a while to be sure you’re not infected, maybe get another std test every once in a while.
Pretty bold of her to lie to you about a disease like that. I’m sorry man.
Get tested. Herpes is forever.
Majority of people have herpes and don’t even know it. People need to educate themselves and chill out.
I would break up. If she lied about her test being clean. What else would she have no trouble lying about?
Let her go, if she is unable to be honest in the beginning of the relationship, she won’t be in the future. She could’ve passed it to you and she didn’t seem to care about that until a month in, that’s a horrible thing to do. Saying that from the perspective of someone who also ignored that kind of red flag and it ended up badly.
She is not a good person, she put you in danger. Just leave.
I haven’t looked into herpes enough to know the “rules”, but I think the belief that you can’t spread without an outbreak is giving dishonest people an “out”. I highly doubt the majority of herpes are spread from people with roaringly obvious outbreaks. So I don’t think the “No outbreak = no spread” argument can be 100% enough to not disclose to someone til you feel comfortable sharing. Also, she could be breaking out and not realize it yet. Your protection from herpes should not be solely at her disclosure. Especially with her giving you the answer that she was clean.
She is holding your protection of a lifelong STD in her hands, and those hands are hiding behind her back.
I’m sorry but I would show her the door. Explain to her it isn’t her diagnosis, but how she lied about it and kept it from you. She put your health at risk for a choice she made. Relationship over . And s/n she’s not as amazing as you think because she lied to you. There are women out there much better than this.
She should have been honest and upfront with you before she was intimate with you that way you could have decided weather or not to continue with things back before I got together with my wife now and we were date she had told me that she had herpes before we had sex and she gave me time to decide if I still wanted to be with her because of it and we just don’t do anything intimate when she has outbreaks but we are going on 4 years together and have sex unprotected and I know there is a chance of contracting it but I haven’t after 4years and she doesn’t take medication for it so if you can work through the lies and still want to be with her just know there is a chance of you getting herpes but don’t let that hold you back I would be more worried about the lies and not being up front about it
May as well stay with her now, you can’t get herpes twice
You have been dating for a month. You have no idea who the “real” her is yet, but you just got a small glimpse.
“It’s been long enough, so I will tell you” means she never planned on telling you this if things didn’t seem like they were going to work out. She lied to your face about having it before you had sex so you would have sex with her. She only told you when she saw a potential future with you so she knew she HAD to tell you.
You need to go to a doctor and never talk to this girl again.
Herpes isn’t so bad, more people have it than you think. The problem is she lied to you about having it.
An FYI to others: Sexual health clinics in non 3rd world countries allow groups to come in and get shared testing results for this exact reason.
herpes isn’t the issue. it’s keeping it from you
Before we jump the gun here, did she tell you what type of herpes she has?
Herpes type 1 is just cold sores on the lips. It’s not classed as a sexually transmitted disease and nearly 80% of people have it, including kids and nuns. Some people need medication if they are prone to frequent or heavy breakouts
Herpes type 2 is genital herpes and that’s sexuality transmitted. If she’s got that then she should have told you.
If she’s got genital herpes but is taking the medication it’s possible that she’s not had an outbreak for years and maybe a fair reason to not tell you and risk scaring you away.
But decide for yourself if you think that’s ok? It’s easy to think that she should have told you before you had sex, but imagine if you got it and had it under medical control so it’s not active. Are you going to tell every girl you want to have sex with upfront that you have herpes? I wonder how many will sleep with you.
It’s easy to see this in black and white until you get an embarrassing condition. Full disclosure you say? Ok, then are we disclosing anything dodgy, like having an alcoholic parent, or a substance abuse issue years ago, or a same sex encounter, once-off when you were a student. And you’ll tell every potential partner all of this before having sex?
There’s 2 paths here.
You do you, but that’s not an issue to me. I assume everyone has herpes. I got mine from overly affectionate grandparents at less than 1 year old.
The best thing you can do right now is educate yourself so you know what’s up.
A regular std panel does not test for herpes. In Canada (may be different in other countries) they will not test here unless you have an active lesion. There used to be a blood test but it wasn’t overly accurate. The test still exists here but you have to pay like $120 for it. The test can tell you if you’ve ever been exposed to it…. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you would ever get a lesion or carry enough viral load to pass it on to someone else. Her omitting that she has herpes was a problem. But her saying her std panel wasn’t exactly a lie.
The virus can be shed whether there is a lesion or not. It is the most contagious when there are lesions, or lesions are coming on, but even when there are none, it could be shedding enough to be contagious.
How long since her last lesion matters. Someone who had a lesion 6 months ago is more virally active than someone who had a lesion 6 years ago. The medication she takes is an anti viral and ideally she’s also on lysine which helps to prevent lesions coming on too. The anti viral reduces the viral load considerably but not by 100% – that being said there are couples who have had sex with no protection for years and one partner is still herpes free. No guarantees though. If she’s on the anti viral there’s a decent chance you’re clear. Some people use the anti viral ongoing and take it daily and some only take it when they have lesions.
A lesion can be a full on outbreak that’s painful or it can look like a small singular pimple.
(In Canada) people do not have to legally disclose that they have herpes. I don’t know the reasoning. When I was considering a relationship with that guy I made an apt at the sex health clinic and asked a bunch of questions and they told me that it’s up to the person if they want to disclose or not. (Maybe because it’s not a life or death thing) the health nurse flat out told me that when they tell people they are positive they tell them you do not have to tell people if you don’t want to.
I’m sorry that she lied. I found that most people I met who were herpes positive didn’t want to disclose it right off the bat because it basically kills the relationship. I think they think that if they tell you after then maybe you’d like them enough to stay. Or maybe you’d get it and then it wouldn’t matter if you stayed with them. It’s bull crap. It’s also pretty accurate though. I really liked someone, crazy about
Him actually, and he told me before anything happened it sort of just killed it.
I know you are all amped up about this, and I know the lying part is pretty bad. But if you were absolutely falling for her, just know that at the end of the day it’s just a skin condition. It’s not a death sentence. Just sorta is for your dating life after.
First off you should get tested, there’s always a chance you havent got it yet, it’s messed up from her to tell you after so long
That’s absolutely terrible
“Cure your loneliness…” you probably got more issues than the HSV that you were exposed to. Lots of people have various strains of this virus. You’ll likely be exposed again. If you’re fortunate enough that a woman will give you attention. Be glad she told you at all. You likely would have never known and it was incredibly difficult for her to tell you. Show some compassion and express to her that you wish she would have disclosed it prior to sexual contact. If you’re a good dude and really care about her, meet her where she’s at and you guys work on being better at having difficult conversations.
It can be REALLY FUCKING HARD to disclose to new partners, having herpes is not inherently shameful but there can be a ton of shame and stigma surrounding the diagnosis. That said, not disclosing is incredibly wrong. She took away your ability to make an informed decision about your sexual health, and therefore any sex you had was not fully consensual. More than that, she blatantly lied to your face and kept up that lie for a month! Any trust and mutual respect you might have hoped to have is completely shattered.
You should honestly break up with her, and make it clear that it has everything to do with that betrayal and her having herpes is completely irrelevant to that decision. Whether or not you would have proceeded if she had disclosed in the beginning is irrelevant because she manipulated you out of having a say in that.
The problem isn’t that she has herpes. The problem is that not only did she not tell you but she had unprotected sex with you. You need to let her know how you feel. Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker. But you have to wonder what else is she keeping from you.
Depending on your state, this is anywhere from grounds to sue for damages to outright illegal. Not to mention morally and ethically reprehensible.
“Super shameful”? Ya I’d wait to tell you too, buddy.
She should have disclosed it to you before sex. But if she is taking medications and knows her body, she posed no risk to you and apart from an outbreak her std check idea is a good idea for both of you to ensure you’re “squeaky clean. Though some would need 12 weeks incubation to show up.
Be best to tell her that it was fucked up, and to part ways. Then you should wait a few months and get rechecked.
She straight lied to you thats fucked, my bf gets cold sores and told me in the beginning n weve never had issues.
She thought her 🐱 had magical attachment properties, that’s why she waited…….
She just told you WHAT she is…..She’s just told you WHO she is AND she’s given you a glimpse of the manipulative shit, she will be down the road…….
Send her packing and hold on to your dignity.
There are clearly people on here who have herpes, that’s why their comments appear to be defending her having herpes rather than commenting about her NOT telling you about having it.
The fact that she didn’t tell you is a red flag. I wouldn’t trust her at all. And the fact that she made you get a yeat while just TELLING you she was she was clean is also fucked up. Especially since she isn’t.
Break up asap.
And yes, start using condoms bro. There are plenty of people out here who don’t know they have herpes. Some will even have it and not tell you. Be careful
the time to disclose was prior to sex. But then she asked you to get a test and lied about hers being clean???? FUCK NO!!! If she is willing to do all of this…. SHE WILL NOT DISCLOSE AN OUTBREAK!!!
That’s fucked up herpes is permanently
Break it off. It honestly sounds like she isn’t even sorry.
Even if she WAS sorry it would be really hard to advise you to do anything other than break it off, but you do talk like this could be your forever person and you’re absolutely crazy about her. I could imagine accepting one selfish mistake. But if that’s what this is – a selfish mistake that she genuinely regrets and will never repeat – she’d recognize how bad what she did was and be apologizing and trying her best to convince you that she really DOES care about you, etc.
And FWIW even if I’ve got it totally wrong and she’s abjectly apologetic and you really believe her, and you’re inclined that you could forgive something so selfish, I would still say you need to have a good long think about whether there really IS the degree of potential that would make it worth taking that risk. You’ve been in this honeymoon period building up a super intense connection, it’s hard to see clearly whether you’ve really met a great partner or whether you’re just high on oxytocin.
It is quite possible that her case of herpes is under control and the meds are helpful in limiting outbreaks or flare ups.
To me, that wouldn’t be a deal breaker- I have had relationships with a woman or two that have tested positive for HSV. I go down on my current love regularly and we screw raw- 4 years and I’m still negative.
We all have a past- talk with her, air out your concerns- maybe discuss exclusivity.
Yes her not telling you right away was not good.
Herpes is very common and doesn’t imply promiscuity
Over 80% of the world’s population has herpes. You probably have it, just like most people who write comments here.
It’s just that most people never develop symptoms (it doesn’t break out), but they are still infected.
https://www.herpes.org.nz/about-herpes/myths-vs-facts
Herpes is super common, it cant be transmitted when there is no outbreaks. 67% of people under 50 have oral herpes, with 13% having genital herpes. It is not such a big deal, so not telling when you’re not having an outbreak, to me, is not something to freak out about.
I have HSV-1 (oral herpes) and when i told my wife about it, she had it too. Herpes dont mean you had unprotected sex or anything, many people have it without knowing it. I got it from my mom kissing me goodnight when she had an outbreak, she didnt know it was herpes and called it “low immunity”. I didnt know either, until i was 16, and i have it since i was a baby.
She is medicated, has protocols for when outbreaks happens and felt comfortable telling you after a month. You dont need to worry. Worst case scenario, you now have it too and once in a while, in moments of stress or low immunity, sores may pop up around your mouth(in case of HSV-1) or henitals (In case of HSV-2). Medication is available to treat it. Dont worry about the herpes.
That being said, i understand your frustration with such a secret, but given the stigma this mostly harmless virus has, can you blame her for not telling you right away ? But take this as an opportunity to talk about those stuff, maybe even get tested for other STIs so you can make sure everything is in order for safer sex. And use protection.
Damn! That is messed up and illegal… i think. I’m sorry bro. I don’t know if I could forgive that. Even if i did, there’s the near certainty that I’d eventually catch it, outbreak or not.
I would say that was intended biological warfare.
She should’ve disclosed it first thing before engaging in sex. Meds do nothing but hide the pain for the affected; it does not or will not protect you. She’s contagious BOTH before and after the breakouts.
Get tested, hopefully you’re negative. It’s disgusting she didn’t tell you; at the same time, should’ve protected yourself as well. You never know nowadays. When I was in the army, 1 in 4 had herpes.
You CAN still have a successful relationship, you can have kids, etc. My wife and I are still thriving after 16 years and I have not given it to her. If I feel like something is coming on, we don’t do it and after the breakout is finished, we still wait 3-4 weeks to be safer.
Nurse here. She should have told you but chances are low for transmission. She sounds like she is aware of her prodromal symptoms and she is on anti-virals.
That’s a big thing to lie about. I wouldn’t trust her after that, I’d be in a consistent state of worry.
First off, you’re an idiot for not wearing a condom – full stop. Protect yourself, always. You should also get tested in a few months, if for nothing more than your peace of mind. Second, it is very messed up that she lied about her own STD test, that’s risking your health, and that was not OK, honestly I’d break up with her for that alone. I get that this will scare a lot of people off – FOR GOOD REASON, but she had a moral obligation to tell you before having any kind of sex, let alone unprotected.
She’s putting herself first and risking your health, I couldn’t trust someone like that. My advice is to split. Tell her it’s messed up that she made you take an STD test while lying about her own and that’s why you’re breaking up.
The dishonesty about this is breakup worthy. Unprotected sex after lying to you about her status is unacceptable.
Yes, she should have told you, but this is nothing. My wife had herpes when i met her. We’ve been married 30+ years now. As long as she’s not having an outbreak while you’re doing it, dont worry
They say it’s not a big deal because 1 in 5 people have it but don’t know they have it because they never show any symptoms
That being said that’s fucked up for her not to tell you. Also made you get tested before she would sleep with you? Hmm idk personally I think you should wear protection for the first few months of dating someone but I know not everyone does.
Herpes isn’t even tested for in a typical std test btw they usually have to get you one specifically for testing that
You said she was weird and quirky but this is a bit much
Herpes 1 is super common and it is NOT genital herpes, it’s also not considered an STD. Herpes 1 looks like a cold sore on the mouth, that’s literally just a cold sore. The only time you could get it from her is if she had an outbreak of it when you were intimate, if there was no outbreak or cold sore fluid to come into contact with you during that, then you were safe, especially because she’s on medication.
The only way to get genital herpes from that is if she gave u oral with an active ulcer/cold sore. But again, she didn’t have that going on. Also just so you know 48% of adults in the US have herpes 1 and it doesn’t mean she was unhygienic or a slut or anything like that.
I got Herpes 1 from my mother because we often peck on the lips and ofc I had no idea what it was and didn’t care but now I have it. The most it is is an itchy chapped lip feeling for a few days at your first outbreak (first is the worst) And it can be easily treated with abreva (dolcanozole cream)
While obviously she’s the asshole for not disclosing it to you when she found out, unprotected sex has nothing to do with herpes 1. That was my main point. Kissing her with a cold sore on her face is the way you would contract it, and like she said she doesn’t go near anyone when she has an outbreak. If she didn’t have any outbreak then you won’t contract it from kissing her. Also herpes 1 is not considered an STD.
It’s up to you how you deal with this but I feel like you were missing a lot of context about Herpes 1 (oral) vs Herpes 2 (genital) and the actual health impact of herpes (not major) and It’s better if you make an informed decision. Also with the likelihood of running into another potential partner with Herpes 1 being 50/50 almost it’s not really the biggest deal breaker IMO
Hey, pet peeve, can we please stop referring to people who are seronegative for HSV-1 and -2 as “clean”? It just adds to the stigma and pressures people to lie. 50-90% of ppl are positive for HSV-1, 20-50% of ppl are positive for HSV-2. Condoms decrease risk, but do not eliminate it since it’s a skin-to-skin contact vector. Are “clean” ppl those who have never had skin-to-skin contact during sex? That’d be weird.
To be clear, she did lie in a totally unacceptable way.
She lied about her status, she lied about her most recent result, she lied about “squeaky clean” and she took away OP’s right to make an informed decision about risk. She definitely ruined the trust in their relationship. Her taking an antiviral cuts the risk in half, but that’s not zero. OP had/has the right to decide if he could live with that.
OP I’m really sorry.
There’s currently no real evidence or support for taking Valtrex in a “day after” capacity – they either don’t know or it isnt effective :/ Still, maybe call a clinic and see what they think.
The statistics for transmission are usually a few % per year – crossing my fingers for you. And please use condoms in new relationships, please.
Absolutely unacceptable
What? Get educated and read more about this and the stigma around it??? She’s doing everything right. You won’t get it if you listen to her and follow proper pro cautions … there’s nothing wrong w her…. Over like Half the worlds population has HSV 1 in the mouth be for real….
If you have had sex with 3 or more people, you have probably been exposed to herpes. It is believed to contagious only when an outbreak is present. In an ideal world it would have been better to have had all the information up front, I completely agree, but, if she doesnt have an active outbreak and controls thing with her medication, which works really well usually, I dont know that she acted irresponsibly. If the chances of transmitting are near zero, I dont know that you are obligated to say something to someone you hook up with. To be absolutely clear – I think full disclosure is better and I absolutely think that people who may be contagious need to act responsibly, but she did come forward and tell you, and being on meds diminish outbreaks substantially, she could have said nothing and been “busy” during outbreaks and you would never know.
Finding someone you are really into is incredibly hard, and having herpes can be incredibly embarrassing and it can stand in the way of actually getting to know someone. I think what she did was shady, no doubt, but if you are responsible your chances of catching it are very low, probably on par with any new sexual partner, statistically, and the inconvenience of outbreaks doesnt happen very often. She did tell you, so clearly she wants to see more of you. Give it some thought before you walk away.
One other thing I dont have herpes, I have had a few partners that have had it, but I absolutely do not, whether it is because of luck, or some super genetic mutation that leaves me immune, or acting responsibly and communicating regularly, I couldnt say for sure which worked, but give it some thought before walking away, if you like this girl.
Honestly if thats the only “bump” in the road (pun unattended) and you can see a future with her keep her, it’ll be one more thing yall have in common. (I’m not trolling you) I made the unfortunate mistake for getting herpes from one of my more untrustworthy exes and now I haven’t been in another relationship for close to 20yrs.
In life you have to look at things that count as a positive or you’ll have a fairly negative impact on your future self. You don’t know yall are carrying the genome for the person that with cure cancer or eradicate herpies due to him having it. Who knows.
It sucks that she lied about the test and made you get one. That’s kind of a deal breaker. Also, WHY ARE BARE BACKING A GIRL TOUVE KNOWN FOR 1 MONTH!? Stds aren’t the only thing you have to watch out for! Let me guess, she told you she was on birth control? I wonder if she is lying about that also?
Sue her.
I was like “well if she is medicated and not in an outbreak it should be fine as long as they wore condoms” then I kept reading…
Then I kept reading and she fking lied too? 😭😭😭
Op chances are you are good, she is medicated and not in an outbreak, but the lying and going unprotected is so wrong…
Not that this was your fault, but please don’t ever go unprotected with new people again don’t risk it.
My dad gave my mom herpes without her knowing.
It has definitely made dating harder for her, but that doesn’t prevent people from wanting to date her. There are actually a lot of people out there with herpes.
Your girlfriend knowingly slept with you, kept this a secret from you, and thought she could trap you because at this point, you are emotionally invested in the relationship.
I agree that she should’ve been honest about it. But also remember that herpes is extremely normal; you might even have it yourself without knowing.
Even people who have never had sex and never kissed anyone can have herpes. Children can get herpes through birth if the mother has an outbreak during birth, mothers and fathers can give it to their children, you can get it through drinking from a shared bottle. A lot of people don’t even know that normal cold sores are often herpes.
Some people get it through being r’d, and so it can be a highly sensitive subject to some.
But yes, she definitely should have told you beforehand.
I don’t necessarily consider it a red flag, her tests might be completely clean – you can ask to see them. Talk it out with her and figure out if you want to give it a go or not. See if you feel comfortable enough to trust her; if not – just break it up. Cause if you can’t trust each other, then there’s no point in trying.
You’re stuck with her now. Forgot about it, stay together. Tell her she can’t leave you now because she did this to you.
She lied to you even knowing she has herpes.
What else is she willing to lie about?
I would never be able to trust her again.
that’s tough, i would leave her after some stuff like that