My GF says she has been feeling like things have changed. I think it’s a bit more complex than that. Here’s my vent, any and all advice appreciated. Sorry it’s a long one. 🙂
Just looking to vent, and any advice is appreciated. I’m sorry, it’s a long one
Just looking to vent, and any advice is appreciated. Sorry, it’s a long one
I (26M) am in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend (22F). We’re not super far apart—about 1.5 hours by car—so it’s not extreme distance, but it’s enough that we can’t see each other during the week like we used to when we lived in the same city. That said, we’ve made the effort to see each other almost every weekend, and the longest we’ve gone without seeing each other has been around two weeks. It’s not easy, but when we are together, it’s amazing. The love has always felt mutual and strong. We typically text here and there through the day but we both age jobs so sometimes we speak just before and then after work. She typically calls me when she’s heading home almost every day, and we typically call/FT in the evening before bed. Only time we really don’t is when it’s been a hell of day and just need alone time. Completely respected on both ends.
Some background: we met at university and things just clicked from the very beginning. Conversation was easy, it felt natural, and we built a strong connection fast. We started dating exclusively in December and officially became a couple in February. In May, after graduating, she moved back home when her lease ended. I stayed in our university city due to my job. I’ve recently transitioned into a hybrid role—four days working from home, one day in-office—which gives me flexibility and would even allow me to move closer to her. I’ve even offered to come down a few days mid week, and work her place if allowed to be closer and keep that physical connection.
She, on the other hand, started a new full-time job right after moving back. The commute is brutal—about 3 to 3.5 hours a day using public transit. The job isn’t in her field of study, but it came through a friend’s referral and she took it. While I think she appreciates having a job, I get the sense she doesn’t enjoy it. Lately, it seems to be draining her mentally and emotionally. She’s often burnt out, stressed, and hard on herself. She likes her team, but rarely talks positively of the job.
I honestly believe this job has started to drain the joy out of her day-to-day life—including her own hobbies, her time with friends and family, and now possibly even our relationship.
This past weekend, she came to visit me Friday night. She hugged me for a long time when she arrived, kissed me, told me she missed me. I cooked us a nice dinner, we had wine, watched our favorite show. She was tired from the week, so we just cuddled and went to sleep. The next morning, we were affectionate and close (won’t overshare but things were very loving and connected).
We spent Saturday at the beach with my mom, and she spoke so kindly to her about me—calling me a gentleman and saying I’m all hers. Sunday, we went golfing with my dad’s side of the family. We’re both pretty bad, but we laughed a lot and genuinely had fun together. Another great day.
But then Sunday night… she called me crying.
She said things feel different between us. That she’s been struggling with the distance. That she’s unhappy with life in general, feels lost, and needs to try something—anything—to feel okay again. I asked her if she was breaking up with me, and she said no, that she wasn’t making that decision right now, but wanted me to know where her head’s been at. She said she hadn’t fully realized how she was feeling until that moment. She kind referenced it to object permanence, and being “out of sight out of mind” like without me there it’s hard for her to sometimes recognize the connection.
And now I feel completely lost.
Her words and actions all weekend pointed to the exact opposite. It felt loving, stable, and strong. We talked not even a month ago about potentially closing the distance. She said after saving a bit of money, we could look at moving in together. I even told her I’d be willing to make the move solo if that helped take pressure off her. It felt like we were building something solid.
But now it feels like she’s looking at our relationship as part of the reason she’s unhappy—and I just don’t believe that’s true. I think her job and the stress that comes with it has completely clouded everything else in her life, including us.
I’m not sure what to do. I love her and I want to support her. I don’t want to invalidate her feelings, but I also feel blindsided and heartbroken. How do you support someone through burnout and life confusion without losing yourself or the relationship in the process?
Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated.
TLDR: Semi-long distance. My girlfriend out of the blue said she thinks things have changed, but I’m not so sure it’s our relationship as much as her job burning her out and not allowing her to enjoy her life right now. I just would like some insight and advice.
Comments
You mention she says she feels like she needs to try something, did she say more about that?
Regardless what the cause is, the end effect is the same. Making this about a disagreement as to what the cause is will be unproductive, and won’t address the end result – it sounds like she’s wanting more connection.
So in the next convos, I would focus on how she’s feeling and what you both can do to address how she’s feeling.
Don’t over-complicate things
She is simultaneously in a pretty new and serious relationship that recently became long distance, she’s transitioning from university to working, having very long hours (including commute), and moving back in with her parents. That’s just a lot of big life stuff for a young adult to be going through at once, and I think it’s pretty understandable that she is feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about things in general.
I think you are doing and saying the right things overall, but you also have to recognize that there is a limit on how much you can do. You also have to let her live her life and make her own decisions (including potentially the decision to break up and focus on herself). You can say she should get a different job closer to where she lives, but she needs to be the one to actually want that enough to put in the effort to make that happen.
I think the best thing you can do for yourself is make sure you keep having a robust social life outside of your relationship, try not to catastrophize about her uncertainty, and keep seeking out opportunities to connect with each other. Don’t do something significant like moving in together or moving to be near her at a point when your relationship seems to be very rocky – if you two are meant to be together, she will get through this, things will stabilize on a longer time-frame, and there will be more opportunities to reach those milestones. At some point you may need to worry about protecting yourself emotionally if you are feeling like you are in limbo for too long.