Hey everyone,
I (M, 17s) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for about a year now, and overall things have been good. But there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while, and it recently led to a pretty serious argument between us.
Before we started dating, about a year and a half ago, she had a situation with another guy. From what she told me, that guy kind of led her on or had something going on with her emotionally, but then ended up liking other girls and hurt her badly. It affected her deeply — she felt betrayed and emotionally messed up by it. After about 6 months of that ending, we started dating.
Since then, we’ve been together for a year, but here’s the thing — she never completely let that guy go. They still talk occasionally — not regularly, but in intervals like every 3–6 months. She says they’re just friends and there’s a “bond” between them that still exists. She even wrote him a long birthday message recently, and I know for a fact that the guy still flirts with her whenever they talk.
She says she never flirts back, and even allowed me to read their chats in the past. But when I told her that this whole situation makes me feel really uncomfortable, she got defensive and told me things like:
“So you don’t trust me?”
“You’re just insecure about him.”
“What, you think I’ll leave you for him?”
When I gently reminded her that she once told me that if I’m ever uncomfortable about anything, she’d cut contact with the person, she brushed it off and argued instead.
I ended up reading some of the recent chats (with her previous consent), and I saw exactly what I feared — flirty messages from him (she did told me fore that he does that) ch she didn’t directly encourage but still responded to. When I brought this up, she got angry, changed her account password, and removed my access.
Now I feel really weird and hurt. I trusted her, I expressed myself respectfully, but instead of discussing it with care, she flipped it on me and made it seem like I’m the problem.
So my question is:
Am I overthinking or being unreasonable?
Should I be concerned that she’s still holding onto someone who once deeply hurt her — someone who openly flirts with her?
How should I approach this going forward?
Any advice or similar experiences would be really helpful. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR:
My girlfriend keeps messaging a guy who once hurt her emotionally. He still flirts with her, she initiates contact every few months, and defends him when I express discomfort. Yesterday, she ignored me while talking to him. When I brought it up, she called me insecure. I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if this is a red flag.