My girlfriend (f31) and I (m30) have been dating for 1.5 years and have lived together the past 6 months. We have a great relationship and plan to get married and have kids one day. However, our sex life has been an issue between us and more recently it has become a point of contention quite frequently. This is mainly due to mismatched libidos and me overthinking that she does not enjoy sex as much as I do. I know she loves sex with me – she’s taken me on dates after sex, I’ve made her cry tears of joy, we’ve had our marathon sessions, and I make sure she almost always orgasms. I’m feeling really guilty since after our last fight, she seemed to be contemplating the future of our relationship and really emphasized that she won’t have more fights over sex. I told her I would change and I have been going to therapy to try and fix this issue.
I tried to initiate sex a few days later and she rejected me saying that she wasn’t ready and that she really wants to take the pressure off and have it sink in for me. I told her I would respect this and let her initiate when she’s ready. We are currently on vacation and still nothing. I feel so rejected and undesired that it is destroying my confidence. I have constant anxiety that she will lose attraction to me and that we will grow apart. It is causing me to lose sleep and hard to focus on anything.
I value the relationship more than sex so I will endure it, but it is just creating a lot of hurt and uncertainty on my end and I’m not sure how to cope with it.
Comments
Why do you only feel loved if your dick is wet?
I feel some important details are missing. Has she expressed why her sex drive is so low lately?
Dude… is this relationship really worth all the anxiety and hurt and uncertainty? If I were you, I’d seriously reconsider. You’ve only been together for 1.5 years; it’s not the end of the world if you split up.
Why is your confidence dependent on having sex? Sounds like youre already going to therapy, keep going and learning yourself.
Good luck and lets hope she aint fucking around someone else bruh
Were the libidos mismatched from the very start or did they become mismatched the more you questioned her about her joy of sex? It sounds like a progression to me. There’s some insecurity on your end and you projected it onto her to the point where sex is more harm than good at this point, to her. It really sounds like a lose/lose. You have sex and she enjoys it but it’s not good enough for you. She takes sex off the table and you’re ridden with anxiety. I’d suggest therapy and a reevaluation of this relationship and if it’s working for both of you.
It’s time to meet someone else you’re compatible with. Sometimes things don’t work out.
It’s pretty common. I moved in with an ex after 2 years and we had sex 3 times in 6 months. Try talking about it to her but if it doesn’t change you already know the outcome. Don’t marry her and have kids until this is sorted, it will only get worse!
I know you value the relationship more than the sex, but it sounds like you are doing 90% of the work, unless there’s details you’re leaving out. I think it might be time for a change of pace… You may need to value the relationship from a different perspective, such as maybe being just friends… You deserve a partner who wants ALL OF YOU. High sex drive and all. If she’s not making an effort to reassure you that she’s just as much in love with you as you are with her? Then it’s time to find someone who can meet you halfway dude. I’m in a similar boat but my partner has made all the efforts in the world. It’s a give and take situation. You gotta make sacrifices but so does she! What sacrifices does she make? Do you feel that she values the relationship as much as you?
Hey man, I understand that this is really hard and it would make things hard for me too. I’m not saying this is what you should do but I would start by evaluating how much this person means to me and how much I love them and if I do love them and care for them then I would hunker down and, for lack of a better term, bite the rag. I know it seems endless and that you’re hurting but I can imagine that she’s hurting in much the same way and pressing the issue by initiating won’t help. I think you’re going to need to take a real step back from sex, you’ll probably have to settle with self fulfillment for a while but if my partner had told me that sex was making her feel awful or was leaving some kind of negative connotation then I would back off at the drop of a hat. Wounds don’t heal when you pick at them. I wish you the best in whatever you decide and please remember that you have value even when you don’t think you do.
Sounds like this is about more than sex. You sound like a conscientious lover. You need couples therapy or you need to know what you both want or need, or what is missing.
No relationship is perfect, there is give and take and it is a work in progress depending where you are over the years.
how long has it been?
more than a month, it’s game over I’d think
Doesn’t sound like you’re emotionally attuned. You need a period of non sex so you can reconnect emotionally. You need to engage her feelings not just her body dude.
If sex drives don’t match now they never will. Please don’t get married.
I think you have sex anxiety and is turning her off. Your constant reassurance needed after sex is a turn off for her.
I was in a similar situation. It’s hard to comprehend loving someone deeply and assuming they have the same connection, just to have it altered one day.
I went to therapy, learned how to cope, realized it wasn’t my fault, then got a divorce.
6 months later my ex transitioned, so, just don’t blame yourself. Be there in whatever capacity you can handle, but be sure to take care of yourself as well. If they’re unwilling, then it’s time to reassess your situation.
You may want to start investigating some of her other actions. Is she spending a lot of time on her phone? Protecting it more than usual? Longer periods of time away from you – even if in the same home. Something isn’t sounding right. And maybe it’s nothing nefarious but you got to figure out the communication before you guys do anything else.
You said you guys have sex 2-3 times a week, so that isn’t even low to begin with. Sure your libido is higher and you want more but this is clearly not a deadbedroom level situation. Point 2, no one is going to want to have sex with someone who constantly pesters them about enjoying it. Therapy has to help you get both your insecurity and your anxiety under control so this stops being a problem. By your own admittance you already know she enjoys sex with you, yet your anxiety is clearly constantly driving you to ask and bother due to overthinking and its causing fights. This is 100% a you problem. Your other comment said it has been little more than a week and you already seem to be having a meltdown. If you can’t go 2 weeks without sex without losing sleep and functioning capabilities there is something truly wrong. The truth is you are driving your partner away and if you don’t seriously get control over yourself with the help of counseling or therapy, you will lose her for good. Telling someone you’re going to change and doing nothing, then trying to return to the status quo immediately does come off like sex is the only thing that matters to you. I’m completely unsurprised she wants and needs a break until this gets under control. A break isn’t oh 3 days later I swear I’m a good boy a changed man now. It isn’t a punishment in this case like someone maliciously withholding affection. This sounds exhausting and an immense turnoff. Work on yourself.
In a long term relationship it’s very common for there to be timeframes where things are mismatched. Sometimes one of you will be sick, working excessive hours or carry professional stress, pregnancy, cancer, general health issues, kids….like the reality of relationships, especially in your 30’s, is life just kind of starts happening and sometimes you need to be able to have sex take a back seat, or be comfortable with your partner not being on the same level.
No offense intended OP, but it sounds like your self worth and your vision of your own contribution to the relationship may be tied to sex. It might be healthy to see a relationship therapist or individual therapist to work through that if you get “she’s the one” vibes.
I can say 100% though, that when women are drawing a sexual boundary nothing will decline your chemistry in the bedroom faster than disrespecting those wishes. You need to solve this before you keep pressing for more sex.
A couple of questions;
How often do you initiate? Most men want it every day (BC of testosteron) and at times that is just not realistic (especially when you are on the pill which is a moodkiller and before your period).
I read you guys were still having sex 2 times a week. That is fairly normal. Quality over quantity!
What are her reasons for refusing? Does she need help addressing these. Don’t make it a trade-off though.
Did you get angry at her when she said no? If you did , you might have caused some real damage to her libido. And she might see you as a sex pest. It will take effort to undo this.
I have noticed for a lot of men sex is a way to experience intimacy and love, and no sex means no love.
There are many other ways. Talking about your dreams, feelings… Spending quality time. All the love languages..
Women often need those too. And so do men, some of them just aren’t aware!
What I know about sex. You cannot commit to wanting it. You can commit to be open to wanting it. I’ve done that when I wasnt in the mood and was very happy about it afterwards. F.e. when I thought I was too stressed out to have sex and turns out it really helped me to take the edge of.
Especially when we first had a talk about what was stressing me out.
But…
This only works if the relationship is otherwise healthy.
I wouldn’t suggest it rn since there is a lot of tension, and not the good kind.
Maybe focus a bit on seducing her with massages, romantic walks, little gift…and tell her in advance you aren’t gonna have sex with her. Make it a joke. Like – young lady please do no look at me like you want to ravish my decency. People always want what is offered but just out of reach. Make it fun.
If you made her cry (good tears) during sex trust urself. You are not lacking. Be proud of what you have accomplished. Give her a little break and trust the process.
Look in to anxious preoccupied attachment.
i get how tough that must feel. you’re trying and being patient, which matters a lot. keep focusing on communication and your therapy it might take time, but clarity will come eventually.
Try to find ways that make you both feel loved without involving sex. Go on a romantic date, appreciate each others cooking, get flowers, go on a walk, have deep conversations, kiss, cuddle, maybe tease a little bit, all without the expectation of sex.
A lot of woman feel pressured by that expectation and that makes it feel like a chore. And (speaking about myself) I’d want to feel loved before I have sex instead of just feeling loved after seks. So maybe it helpes to bring the romance back into the relationship.
Edit to add: if you want to have kids in the future, prepare for the fact that a pre- and post-partum body often doesn’t like sex. Add the care of a baby to that and this break will feel like nothing. So it’s good to find other ways that make you both feel appreciated.
“me overthinking that she does not enjoy sex as much as I do. I know she loves sex with me”
These are contradicting sentences
from my personal experience, i’d say give her space and stop asking i think.
the “pressure” of sex/ having to reject u could also be bothering her. asking her again is not giving her the “break” (because it’s not just physical) when the mental load is still on her plate.
people can also suffer in silence, so be mindful of what else is occupying her thoughts.
ofc that’s my take on it. you don’t have to agree. good luck!
Imo if this continues… mb yall aren’t meant for each other just because sex isn’t the most important thing to a relationship its still apart of it especially in marriage and no matter the situation if you dont feel loved or confident in you situation and she refuses to compromise or talk about it any longer mb yall need a break to see if this is truly a relationship yall want
>My girlfriend wants to take a break from sex and it is destroying my confidence
These 2 things should not be intertwined.
>However, our sex life has been an issue between us and more recently it has become a point of contention quite frequently.
>This is mainly due to mismatched libidos and me overthinking that she does not enjoy sex as much as I do.
If your libido don’t match now, they won’t. You need to consider this. If you are unhappy with the amount of sex now, know that she likely won’t ever just suddenly start wanting sex more. In fact, if you do get married and have kids (which, if I’m being honest, you shouldn’t be considering at this stage of your relationship), then her sex drive is likely to decrease with added responsibilities and stress. Postpartum depression and body dysphoria are a real bitch.
>I’m feeling really guilty since after our last fight, she seemed to be contemplating the future of our relationship and really emphasized that she won’t have more fights over sex.
Any more fights over sex? If you’ve been together only a year and half and you are fighting regularly about it, you shouldn’t be together.
>I told her I would change and I have been going to therapy to try and fix this issue.
This is good advice. You should go to therapy, but be sure to bring up the whole “self-esteem tied to sex” thing.
>I tried to initiate sex a few days later
Why? She says she needs a break from it, and you just… didn’t respect it? Let her tell you when she’s ready.
>We are currently on vacation and still nothing.
It’s her vacation, too. How is she supposed to relax when a point of contention is constantly bubbling beneath the surface?
>I feel so rejected and undesired that it is destroying my confidence.
I like Mexican food. In fact, I LOVE Mexican food. I eat it all the time. Sometimes, I don’t want Mexican food. I still like it a lot. And I’m definitely going to eat it again. But sometimes, I need a break from it. Especially if I just got into another fight about how much Mexican food we were eating as a couple.
>I have constant anxiety that she will lose attraction to me and that we will grow apart.
She will, if you don’t start respecting her boundaries. Falling apart about not banging is going to make her think that sex is what you’re there for. Even if it’s not, it’ll be hard to argue otherwise if your fights are mainly about it.
> I’m not sure how to cope with it.
You already have the answer. You told her you would go to therapy. Follow through. Maybe try couple’s counseling either afterwards, or (preferably) in conjunction.
There has to be other ways your partner can make you feel desired that doesn’t force her our of her comfort zone. Find other ways to build confidence.
If you want this relationship to work, you need to uncouple your selfworth with sex. That is not normal. You need to connect with her emotionally, be able to be physically close (hugs, kisses, cuddle without making it sexual, and shut up about sex. Sex has become a chore for her, and it’s really difficult to get out of that. After some time without sex, maybe start talking abt it, does she have any kinks or fantasies she’d like to try?
From my own experience, if she really enjoyed your sex she would’ve wanted it more often and not viewed it as a chore.
Honestly, sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to not stay together.
If she has always been this way then you shouldn’t stay with her. You will suffer mentally for it
Just curious, and not implying anything. But is there an ex in the picture? Could she be cheating? Women will cut back on sex with one mate if another is in the picture.
If she has checked out, then there is little chance that she’ll stay with you. If she doesn’t see the issue, that’s a problem in and of itself. Withholding sex is not the answer.
Honestly my advice go have a wank and make it obvious you are. If she is using this to punish you it’s not fair to hold everything back. Sort yourself out and if you’ve just sorted yourself when she’s in the mood well she’ll have to wait too won’t she?
It seems like an exercise in control from her. How long can I make him do what I want….
> I value the relationship more than sex so I will endure it
This might be unpopular and I hate to say it but I’m not 100% sure you should. Obviously you shouldn’t be fighting about sex, she’s right there. But she said it herself, she wants it to “sink in,” whatever “it” is, and is using sex or lack thereof as a tool to make that happen. Don’t date someone who is willing to withhold sex in order to get what they want. Sex shouldn’t be transactional.
Out of curiosity, have you ever rejected her? If so, how did that go? If not, I’d actually try it once (and just say you’re tired), her reaction will be incredibly telling
I want to start by saying I am commenting as a voice of support but with some possibly uncomfortable observations. “I make sure she almost always orgasms” – well meaning, very considerate, but is sounds sort of goal oriented, and that isnt alway the way women work. For some people in some situations, there is a lot to be said for getting off, but now you are living together, you guys arent hooking up, you are home. Together . All of the time. Sex changes when you live together. This is not a blanket statement for everyone, but in my experience, when women dont feel comfortable in their home, they are less likely to want sex. No idea what is going on, but, as a made up example- if she has been asking for help keeping the house clean and doing the cooking for months and it doesnt happen for whatever reason, if she has made it clear that she likes the bed made and the floor clean and you try to make moves when the place is a mess and she just got home from work after a long day to her second job taking care of you, she isnt going to want a lot of sexy time. Again, these are made up and might not relate to your situation, but if you are not making the effort she wants, sex wont happen, but if it does, you can improve things if you stop pressuring for sex, and start figuring out what you need to listen to .
The other option, if this doesnt feel like it makes sense, is, you might just be sexually mismatched. This absolutely happens, in which case, it probably wont get better so it is your call as to what matters to you in your relationship. If a healthy sex life is twice a day for you and once a month for her, there are going to be problems. Figure it out before you have kids.
Did you say she cried for joy? Crying after sex is never normal.
That sex drive isn’t getting better after marriage. When she had kids, it’s even worse. You want to be in s sexless marriage? Neither does anyone else.
Gotta get this figured out before hand.
To me it sounds like things are missing. It SOUNDS like you may have put a lot of importance on sex and made her feel like a live in sex doll. It doesn’t help that she seems to have most likely told you as much and you tried to get in her pants literally a few days later instead of showing her you care about the relationship and her as a whole and it’s not all about sex.
Mismatched libidos is not something that’s only on you to change or go to therapy. There’s nothing wrong with you, but you guys need to communicate.
There is a whole subreddit about dead bedrooms. I suggest you go take a tour of the miserable people posting there because that is exactly where you’re heading.
You two are not compatible.