For context, I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost four years. I live in Ecuador, and I’m half Ecuadorian, half American. I work as a video editor for YouTubers, currently making a bit more than the minimum wage here. Opportunities in Ecuador, especially in creative fields like art or video, are quite limited.
I have a fund of around $30,000, which was given to me by the U.S. government after my dad passed away when I was a kid. I stopped receiving that support when I turned 18. Before, the fund had a lot more in it, but I spent a large portion on education right after high school programs I eventually didn’t follow through with.
Since I was a kid, my family has never really spent money on me because of that fund. It’s always been that way; they saw the fund as my financial responsibility, so I’ve learned to rely on it for most things.
Recently, my girlfriend was accepted into a dance academy in Germany. It’s a big opportunity for her, and her family has been doing everything they can to help make it happen. They aren’t well-off and have been asking around for support. They managed to gather most of what she needs, but they’re still short about $5,000. That’s when she decided to ask me for the money.
After thinking about it for a day, I told her I wasn’t comfortable giving it to her. She’s leaving the country for at least three years, and we’ve both talked before about how long-distance relationships aren’t something we want to go through. I don’t know how our relationship will survive the distance, and giving her a large portion of the only financial cushion I have left feels risky and unwise.
Since then, she’s been making me feel guilty for saying no. And the truth is, I do feel immense guilt. But something deep down tells me that giving her this money just isn’t the right move.
Comments
You wanna know somethign buddy? Always trust ur instincts even if theure wrong. Because if u do give her youd be going through contant doubts and thought. And im too young to say this but 5K IS A LOTTTT. I’m sorry for saying this too but does she work? And if shes ur girlfriend shes supposed to more over use her family’s money bc u arent her husband yet SO U HAVE EVRU RIGHT TO SAY NO. Sorry ny spelling trash
Don’t do it I have my girl 5k when I was 20 to actually travel to
Ecuador and never saw her again lol
I wouldn’t give her the money. She is an adult and can take out a loan if she really wants it. If you really want to give it to her then make sure she pays you back as break up chances are quite high. Write a contract. Either way I’d just invest the 5k
No, most definitely not
I wouldn’t do it because of the large sum of money that is involved. Also can’t her familly take a small loan for her daughter’s education? Idk since you both aren’t married it makes the whole thing seem shady/scammy.
And on top of that she’s is making you feel guilty about you refusing to give her a large sum of money, that’s a red flag right there🚩.
For me there’s too many orange/red flags flying about. I’d tell her (gently/in softer terms) to basically shove it and be grateful she’s even my gf and if she still on with her bs then I’d break up with her.
Cut her loose. Never give her money so she can go elsewhere like huh?
Don’t do it.
“Give me money so I can move far away and start a new lofe without you.” Wow, that sounds like an amazimg opportunity for you! /s
Sounds like she just made this breakup much easier on you by telling you what kind of person she is.
She would probably break up with you / ghost you after she got it. Girls like that are the worst. Don’t give her it and rethink your relationship. Why would she even think to ask you for that money?
You give her the money, she leaves, she likely ‘connects’ with a guy she has more connection with and you break up. 3 yrs is a very long time with her spending all her time with guys that she has more in common with, who she dances intimately with, who put their hands on her 20hrs a day training. If she leaves it’s over. Don’t lose £5k too.
She’s going to take that money and find another one abroad.
“Good luck to you in your future endeavors”
Break up
No money gift
Dont feel guilty even a bit
Yea your right. You did what you were supposed to
At 21 years old you’re only just adults. Going away for 3 years without you, all you would be doing is paying for her to go find some German sausage
Why would you feel guilt buddy? It’s a reasonable decision.
There’s aaaaaaaaabsolutely no need for you to feel guilty. Especially since she apparently has family taking care of her and you don’t.
Might sound easy from my perspective, but I’d absolutely get rid of her as soon as she starts guilt tripping.
If you do give the money, only do so if you can gift that amount.
Adding a financial debt/gift to a relationship with an expiration date is never a good idea.
You made the right call.
Rule no. 1 of life : Never lend money you expect to be returned to you.
If you were married then fair enough, but for a girlfriend no.
500 might be something to consider, but 5000? Absolutely not!
How is she gonna survive at the dance academy, if even the first year is taking more than her whole family can afford? It sounds like some “well I will find part-time work for finance the rest of my years in a much more expensive country” wishful thinking.
Edit: An idea. If she keeps bothering you about it, tell her that she should be able to work a year or two to save up that missing 5k and then apply. Why is she applying to an academy she cannot currently afford anyway?
You don’t do long distance and she’s leaving. You’d be investing 17% of your savings, money from your dead dad, into an equally dead relationship. She’s basically asking for your inheritance and then leaving you. The audacity to guilt you after you’ve said no is wild and tells me it’s probably a good thing she’s leaving.
If you can afford, knowing and accepting the risk of loosing the money and the relationship but think that you want to sponsor her plans because it’s what she loves, give it to her. If you cant afford, don’t.
3 years is a lot, and if everything works out they will offer to employ her there and she won’t come back.
Never give/lend money you expect to see again.
If she is worth the booty call… give her the freaking 5k!!!
Nope nope nope nope nope nope
No. Just…. No.
It’s crazy that she would even ask. Say no, and keep on saying it. If she’s going overseas for (at least) three years your relationship is ending anyway. You would never see that money again, and it’s the only thing supporting you. Carry on being smart.
If you do give her the 5K you’ll lose the 5K and the girlfriend, if you don’t you’ll lose only the girlfriend. What do you choose?
You are doing the right thing. That money would disappear and so would she.
dont give it to her, it would be wasted money
studying for dance?! It is a waste, if you said a university in Ecuador that would lead to an actual job then maybe but this is a stupid idea. To study dance?! She will never make any money off of that and will be back asking for more money afterwards.
Dump her!! Also, you made a very big mistake by talking about that fund which is why she hit you up. DO NOT TALKE ABOUT HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE!
You are young it is a learning experience.
It’s 5 grand for her to go bang some German dance instructor and live it up in Germany. Trust your instincts
You did the right thing IMO.
Can’t she take a loan? preferably from a local Ecuadorian bank
There are other international options for international students (though not sure if those lend for dance academies), but she should look into them
Bro don’t give her the money. 3 years long distance relationship will not gonna work. So why you will give her the money no don’t give her the money. Don’t feel guilty at all.
You could throw her 500 as a show of support. But if you don’t support this move at all, either she’ll move and it’ll end, or she’ll stay and it will end.
Fuck no man don’t do it. Three years away from you and she’s gonna be in Germany, still young, with other dancers and their hot dancer bods. This is a losing battle sir.
Honestly, 3 years abroad, your relationship will not survive that so your instincts are based on logics. Still: You might do it with an official debt contract so that she is obliged to pay it back. Or you can offer her a marriage with a marriage contract done by a lawyer which mentions this debt. That shows that you are committed to the relationship and if she is opposed she isn’t and she is just trying to rip you off.
Dont do it,you will regret that. Im sure in 90% that she will break up/ find new bf on board
Does she have a GoFundMe? If so, post it here and in the dance subs
Don’t give her money and don’t feel guilty that’s crazy!!! She’s trying to leech off money meant for YOUR future. That’s money from YOUR father, you need that money. It has NOTHING to do with her whatsoever. HELL NO.
Should you feel bad? HELL no. Here’s what will happen. You will give her that $5000 and she will go to Germany to study… dance. While you continue to work and earn money in Ecuador, she will inevitably meet a fellow international dance student or a German local who she will connect with on a “deeper level.” He “gets her” and her love of dance. You on the other hand are in Ecuador patiently waiting for her. She will quickly forget you for her new, exciting life in Germany and she will absolutely not even think about paying you back.
She’s 21 and going abroad and I assume meeting very physically fit foreign guys who also dance and will all love showing the pretty foreign girl around town as an icebreaker. You will be cheated on and likely scammed by her, do not do it. Tbh the fact that she asked her bf that is an insane red flag.
how about a loan?
It sounds like she’s just been in your relationship for her benefit, if she’s planning to go away, and all she can think about is begging you for money to go move, then date someone else.
She can pay for herself, and quit her emotional blackmail bullshit.
Block her for being a moocher, and move on. she’s already planning to leave you physically and geographically.
Speaking from experience here, being single as a man is better these days. Just block out the old farts and zealots that think all young men are destined for turmoil because they aren’t all going out and starting families right away, and grind yourself some more money and a career you can really enjoy doing. It’s not like things will get any better for us magically as men in society, so just enjoy your hobbies, make your money, and cherish what you have amongst your friends.
It’s not a life or death situation and it looks like you helping wasn’t something that you two discussed, so you are not obligated nor should feel bad about not giving her $5k for her to study abroad (which is a luxury). Don’t feel bad at all.
For a girl I love, I would probably give her the money to follow her dreams. But realistically, I would not expect her to still be my girlfriend after a few months away from home. She’ll break your heart but you will have given her something that will shape her future and it’s rare you get a chance to do something for someone you love.
Stop telling people or love interests about how much you have. Your girlfriend didn’t need to know all of that. You’ve walked yourself into this.
Ask her family to take a loan from a bank and move on.
Why not give her a smaller amount? Like $500? Then she only needs $4500 more. 1/60th of your fund might be manageable and it shows her that you care about her while at the same time it’s not that bad if you end up not doing the LDR.
The fact that she’s guilt tripping you is even more of a reason not to give it to her, trust your gut and instinct.
She will leave the continent for 3 years. She doesn’t give a flying f about you. Why would you feel guilty for not giving or lending her a big sum to just do that? It sounds like a toxic relationship tbh. Don’t be gaslighted.
Dance academy, bro… You innocent… Dance academy in Germany will end up either unemployment or strip dance in best scenario.
I first thought it was some real education – doctor for example. But this…
I think your GF has made the mistake of thinking your responsible for funding her decisions 🙀
No. You will regret that if you do. You will never see that money or her again. You will go through immense heartbreak as well as feeling dumb for essentially being scammed
You made the right call.
She’ll be gone for 3 years, she’ll meet someone else in Germany, you’ll break up and you’ll never see your money again or her.
Go there with her instead
Yo. It’s 5k, not 50k. she can swipe her credit card. 2nd, it’s your money, invest it, don’t spend on women.
You already said you both know long distance won’t work – and she’s leaving for 3 yrs. So don’t think that giving her $5k is going to change that. Zero guilt – just stand strong with your No.
Everyone is saying no, and I agree. Basically paying your gf to leave you for three years, and will most likely ended up broken up.
However why don’t you leave with her? You work online, no? Assuming you will only get more money/month, you could live abroad.
F no. Under no circumstances give her any money. Thats for your future man. Also, I’m not sure how much that money equates to where you’re from but never let anyone know you have a large amount of money lying around. Lastly consult Reddit finance and try and make what money you do have left work for you. You shouldn’t really be touching any of the principle. Good luck!
Nope. And she was wrong to even ask.
Mate you are too young for this. If they persist in asking just say that money was for your future and you won’t disrespect your father’s memory by using it for others.
Realistically – 3 years long distance that relationship is over in the first 3/4 months and your down 5k. I know you’re worried saying no means losing her but saying yes you’ll likely lose her anyways and be down 5k.
She has family, let her/ them take out a loan. It speaks volumes that they’d rather she hit you up for the cash than take the risk themselves. This whole thing stinks and even they know it.
Even just accommodation / money to live is riddled with holes – how will she pay for accommodation ? Literally Waltz into a job and then also do an intensive physical dance course ? Hmmmm
Eventually getting a job in some cafe where she meets Hans, he’s emotionally available and an average at best tour guide – and the rest as they say is history 😂
Wait, so she filled papers, sent all recruitment documents but didn’t calculate the potential cost?
You did the right thing. Don’t feel guilty at all. Also the fact that she is guilt tripping you and all that means big red flag.
Asking is fine but she should be able to accept a No. You’re not married or anything and 5k is not nothing.
It’s a lot of money and LDR’s never work.
So yeah, trust your gut. She’ll try every trick to get that money and you’ll probably never see her again after that.
Why not move to Germany together? Sounds like you can work from there. That way you can both live your dreama together.
For how long have you known her ? And her family.
Chances are that you’ll become *friend* with her within 3 years. Would you lend those 5k to your friend ? If yes, go ahead. If not don’t.
But honestly, a dance career in Germany doesn’t seems worth going into debt for her, unless she is exceptionnal.
No is a complete sentence.
from germany: there are ways zo make money on the side. 5k in 3 years is easy.
Tough shit she needs to make her own money… And her own life…
I mean she isn’t even sure long-distance will work out between you? Not saying it won’t I have no idea. But if you both are of that opinion, that you are not completely sure the relationship will survive or not… then why give her the money?
In a situation you were completely committed to each other, you would know for sure she will try to help you, when you need it. So you helping her is not self-destructive, it is just something you chose to do because you love her, and she would have done the same for you. (Nothing wrong with taking a relationship step by step by the way, there is nothing saying you must KNOW you will be together forever, when you don’t know yet for sure).
Still, even in this situation, it would be YOUR choice. Not hers. Your future is important too, and you should recognize that. And like I said, perhaps this is a situation where she even isn’t willing to do the same for you? I am not saying she wouldn’t, I don’t know your relationships obviously I’m just a dude on the internet, but I am saying you should trust your feelings when it comes to stuff like this.
You need to remember it is your choice, not hers, and she can not blame you if you say no. This isn’t just some extra money you have lying around, this is what you need to survive. Your life matters too.
There is no right or wrong in that situation. On the one hand, 5000 is not a very big amount of money. It is less than one month worth of expenses for an average western family. And this is a person you love who is on her way to fulfill her dreams. Even if this means breaking your connection. It is her life dream. On the other hand 5000 is not a small amount. The fact that they can’t raise it. Your fear of the future. Etc.
You should go with your guts feelings.
She knew what it would cost to go there, she’s been building up to asking you for awhile. It’s probably over whether she goes or doesn’t. Only one of these ways ends with you $5k poorer
Give 5K to a 21yo GF that will live in Germany for 3 YEARS & hope she STILL stay your GF. That is a poor Bet.
At best you gonna pay indirectly a beer to her German BF there lol
If she leaves you, this was a good Stress Test of your relation with her
She’s your girlfriend, not your wife. And once she goes to Germany she wont be your girlfriend. And if she is going to be your wife why would she leave you behind for 3 years? She has unbelievable chutzpah, though. Like most entitled women. Frankly, like most women.
The fact you feel guilty puts you at risk for being labelled a sucker and taken advantage of. Other people who will take advantage of you are shameless and feel no guilt. So 9 times out of 10 youre going to be on the losing end of a request like this.
Always ask whats in it for you first. I cant see anything in it for you.
I live in Germany and noticed there number of latino population is growing. I shared and still share apartments with them. Your gf will not live 3 years in Germany without needing emotional and physical connection with someone from her culture, so u know where this is going.
Never loan more than you can afford to lose. Not to friends, family or significant others.