i really hate to type this out because it feels uncharacteristically immature, but i haven’t been able to get it off my mind.
i’m eighteen and in my first real relationship. i say “real” because, though i’ve dated plenty before, this is the first time i’ve felt distinctly in love.
my girlfriend is a songwriter. for as long as i’ve known her, she’s showed me songs about her exes. i know that this is part of the territory of dating a musician, so i swore to myself that i wouldn’t let it make me envious. her songs just capture what she felt at a moment in time and don’t translate into present day emotions. i understand that and remind myself of that.
one of these songs was about her ex who she intends to reconnect with over the summer. i’ve given her my express consent to reconnect with this guy. i didn’t mind it initially, because i trust her, and she goes waay back with this guy. however, she recently spoke to me in depth about their relationship (in response to me asking about it to better understand a song of hers) and spoke of him with such a fondness that i couldn’t help but experience a twinge of envy. i’ve never been the jealous type. i don’t know what that was about.
the song is all about how she misses him despite the bumps in their relationship and always thinks of him when it rains.
today, i was with my girlfriend eating breakfast. we were sitting in the car together, and it was raining. i was suddenly hit by the fact that there was a very solid chance that she was thinking about him, since, according to the song, she always thinks of him in that sort of weather.
i’ve been thinking all day today about how jealous i feel, despite knowing rationally that she loves me and that i trust her.
i do not have any intention of telling her about this, because music is the most important thing in her life, and i would hate to make her feel that she can’t write about certain things or show me certain songs. but i don’t really know what TO do other than write about it here and put it out into the void.
Comments
Oof, this sounds rough.
Didn’t she at least reassure you that her ex is in her past now, and that she loves you despite what materials she uses in her songs?
ouch. This is a serious rock and hard place, I completely understand not wanting to say anything because you don’t want to tread on her music dreams. But at the same time, you have every right to feel the way that you’re feeling about her music and her plans to reconnect with an ex. Not to sound like one of the typical torch and pitchfork redditors, but you two might just not be compatible.
I feel that you’re dismissing your feelings under some notion that “this is jealousy and hence I am wrong.”
You’re also lumping her feelings into the box of “it’s song writing so it’s okay.”
Emotions are complicated and it doesn’t help you think straight, so we can do some basic math.
You’ve phrased it as if her songs are speaking of a moment in the past, but then you contradict with
“The song is all about how she misses him despite all the bumps in their relationship and always thinks of him when it rains.”
Followed by the fact that she’s reconnecting with him over the summer. This is happening in the present. She feels this way about him now.
Your brain is telling you something and you need to listen. Just because the feeling sucks doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
You need to have a conversation with your girlfriend. It’s sounding a lot like she still has feelings for him and is mindlessly looking to see where that leads in the future.
I know you’re young, but you need to trust yourself and take care of yourself before her.
If this relationship is breaking your heart, move on. There’s so many wonderful girls out there who’d love you and no one else.
I think it’s probably a bad idea for her to reconnect with this ex. While the emotions described songs are likely embellished a bit for artistic purposes and marketability, I don’t believe it’s ever a good idea to have serious exes present in your life, and if they are, they should be kept at a distance. I know you told her it’s ok, but there’s nothing wrong with changing your mind. If she loves you, she should value your comfort over her relationship with an ex.
If I were in your shoes, I would sit down with her and explain that while I initially didn’t think much of it, the more I think about it, I’d prefer if she didn’t reconnect with this guy. He’s an ex for a reason, and it would honestly make me feel uncomfortable if they stated spending time together or talking frequently.
If she can’t respect your boundaries, then the relationship won’t work.