My husband (28M) and I (24F) have been together for 6 years and married for almost 2 years. He used to go crazy for me when we were dating, he couldn’t stop doing and talking sexual things with me and I enjoyed it we didn’t go all the way before marriage and kept it for marriage. So I thought we were going to have amazing sex together when married but I was so wrong… The first months of our marriage was the worst. We had sex like once or twice a month as a newly wed young couple. I thought it’s okay maybe we both need some time to get used to it. But it never improved.
Usually, we have sex like once a week and it is not enough for me and I don’t enjoy it, for some reason I also know it is not enough for him too. I feel like he’s holding himself back and doesn’t let himself go. When I dress up y’know with sexy lingeries he barely makes any reaction and one time he even laughed and asked “why are you wearing this? “when I surprised him with lingerie at the door. Oh I felt so stupid and humiliated.
One time I gathered all my courage and asked him the reason why, he said “I don’t know, you’re too pure in my eyes, you’re too innocent like an angel, like a baby. I love you as if you’re my baby girl. I cherish you so much and I’m afraid of hurting you. When we’re doing it, I feel like I’m doing something bad to you.” Exactly his words.
Some time later, we had a fight he said that he doesn’t see me as a woman and rather like his daughter. To him, it’s because I’m too naive and fragile. He even said that I have no confidence and I look like a loser sometimes from the outside.
What he said was true to some extent, I’ve always been a “good girl” and calm, and easy-going with everyone. I’m an introvert and I don’t enjoy talking to everyone as if we are besties, but he is an extrovert and easily talks to everyone at first sight and everyone loves him but me, I’m the quiet, weird girl beside him. And since, I’m lacking social skills, I’ve always thought I’m not confident. Anyways, then I decided to change, I got into therapy and trying to be more confident and talkative and not trying to be “a good girl” anymore. And yes I’ve changed, even people around us noticed my energy was different.
So, I’ve changed but our intimacy still hasn’t changed and I feel like accepting the fact that our sexual life will not be fun and satisfying ever and stop trying hard for him.
I also noticed he tends to only feel lust to me is when he imagines me with other men. I don’t mind this kind of kinks but it’ feels weird when it’s the only time he feels lust and perform better while doing it. Is this normal among men? What do you think about my situation and what would you suggest?
(I love him and I know he loves me too. We don’t usually even fight at all it was the first time we did but the words he said is still lingering in my head.)
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Not normal. I see my wife in a sexual manner and I don’t get turned on by the idea of other guys lusting after her. The latter is a kink so I admit it’s just not my thing but the former is the norm.
The ‘angel/baby/daughter’ thing is gross and honestly concerning. It’s not just a sex issue, it’s a fundamental lack of respect for you as a woman and a partner. You deserve someone who sees you as both lovable and desirable, not someone infantilizing you.
Dump his ass. You deserve better.
Almost every aspect of his behavior is completely unacceptable for a husband in a loving, healthy relationship.
i find it quite odd that he dated you when you were freshly 18 and now he continues to enshrine you in this angelic pure role. feels like a fucked up fetish.
Sounds like he has major issues and is gaslighting you into thinking something is wrong with you. You’re not going to fix this – he needs to. My advice will be to have a difficult conversation and suggest he go to therapy. If not, continue with the therapy and figure out of this is what you want in your life. You’re still young and can leave. Husbands don’t treat wife’s like this, deviants do. The good girl and daughter comments are real red flags. Him getting excited on thoughts of another man with you is a kink but to each their own. If that bothers you, you need to say no to it and reinforce that boundary if necessary. You do not need to play along with his kinks if you don’t want to.
This is disgusting, I don’t understand how you could possibly retain any sexual attraction at all to somebody who said they see you as a daughter
He has a Madonna/Wh@re complex. Elvis Presley famously had it. I don’t know that therapy will help.
He sounds pretty creepy ngl.
Having fetishes is normal, but certainly not typical.
I think you need to stop making him not being attracted to you about you- because it’s not, like someone else out there would probably find you sexy af, as-is.
I suggest sex + couples + individual therapy. Because I see issues in all three of those here.
To be honest, just start cheating on him.
Jokes aside, this isn’t something you can get over and I bet he’s getting his intimacy elsewhere if he doesn’t want to get it or give it to his wife. You need to break it off or submit yourself to a sexless marriage where you lose yourself.
I don’t think this is going to end well. no one would fault you for wanting to start over. there’s a whole bunch of things wrong with him, so it’s not you! even if you could fix that, why would you? call the lawyers in private.
Might he be gay
Maybe he was more into being denied than to go all the way. Less interesting when it isn’t “forbidden” like it was before marriage.
Re: Other men lusting after you- some guys are into that… Just make sure it isn’t something he will suddenly use as “ammo” somehow. He seems manipulative and like there is a piece of the story missing from his side.
He’s killing your spark girl, get out as soon as you can
Why do people keep buying the cow without trying the milk first
wtf was that comment?!
“Like a baby girl”
GROSS
It sounds to me this guy’s trying to be the next Leonardo Decaprio
This is why you shouldn’t wait til marriage.
Don’t think you should change in order to get intimacy. Based on what u shared, the only possible “fix” is leaving. You will most likely find someone who loves you and desires you for who you are – maybe sometimes a bit naive, maybe a bit fragile.
Wow he got with you because you were barely legal and highly insecure, so he could manipulate and control your self-confidence however he sees fit. He knows you won’t assert yourself and put up with nothing and like it. He is disgusting. Hope you leave him and find someone that respects you like an adult, but maybe consider working on yourself first. You were a child when you met this man. He is a pig.
He is a creep and not worth a marriage. Do not get pregnant.
So hold on.
He feels like sex is doing something bad to you, and said he sees you like a daughter, BUT what turns him on is thinking of other men fucking you?
Girl, listen close: do you not see how messed up that structure is?
This guy’s mental relationship with sex (and possibly women) is FUCKED.
He’s blaming you, but I’d bet money this is just deflection because he doesn’t know how to make sense of what’s in his own head.
I’d strongly encourage you to insist he puts some time and probably professional help into rewiring what’s going on in there, because the math ain’t mathing.
It will not get better. Hit the exit.
This is verbal and emotional abuse! I hope you made a change because YOU wanted to better yourself and not for him! Please don’t be the one who later down the road wishes she had heeded all the red flags she’s seen! The D/lg kink and sharing/ watching you with another man kink is a normal thing for those who enjoy that. But what’s not normal is when he’s not in one of those scenarios in his head, he won’t have sex with you, and verbally and emotionally abuses you. People who have kinks also have “normal/vanilla” sex and enjoys that often. All of these red flags points to him cheating my opinion, or will cheat in the future. And with someone who is really into those kinks. A husband should love you and cherish you for who you are. Not make you feel less than the woman you are. This is only going to get worse over time. If this is not how you want to live the rest of your life then get out now before he destroys you from the inside out!
This is not a normal situation. It already started off on the wrong foot with you being 18 and him being 24 when you first got together. It’s so different in terms of life experience this is why he infantilizes you bc he doesn’t see you as his equal.
This is also an example why premarital sex is important. For most people sex is really important in a relationship if it’s not good… marriage is going to crumble. Just the fact he laughed at you when you put on lingerie… it was disrespectful. He doesn’t value you. This relationship is going to only deteriorate esp as you get older and tolerate less and less of this BS.
He’s weird
You need to get away from this absolute creep. Everything about him is so wrong. Reading what you wrote, made my skin crawl and I feel so terrible for you in how he is treating you. You deserve so much better!
He is not worth a single second thought, never second guess your worth, nor shed a tear over this absolute loser. You are NOT the problem here, he is. Something is deeply wrong with him that can’t be fixed and you need to get the hell away from him.
Do not let his disgusting words bring you down, they are completely untrue. You are not any of the awful things he says about you. He’s messed up in the head and that isn’t your fault nor your problem.
Get away from him, either walk out or kick him out. But get the hell away from him and file for divorce!
You deserve to be happy! To be truly loved and desired, appreciated for who you are. You are still so young, do not let him steal anymore of your life from you.
Get away from him, leave that creep in the past and create a happy life for yourself, go make some great friends, meet cute guys who like you and fancy you for the person you are.
If I were you, I’d get out of the house more often, go out with friends, to the gym, to hobbies. Assert yourself in a nice way and let him know this dynamic isn’t working for you but then drop it. I’d also see a therapist but he doesn’t need to know that. The irony is that once you have more confidence you’ll be ready to leave someone who is playing games with you.
This is why you test drive the car before buying. People here like to pretend sex isn’t a huge factor and “everyone can work through their problems” but sexual compatibility is a huge chunk of a marriage. Always best to know if you two are compatible prior to actuality signing the papers.
Wow! I’m really sorry you’re going through that. As a woman who also gets uncomfortable stepping out of her comfort zone in the bedroom, is humiliating when we try to be sexy and they laugh. From my pov it seems as though he only married you to get what he wanted. I hope I’m wrong. I would feel so heartbroken if my partner told me I was like a child to them. That’s not okay. You deserve so much more. Your value is higher than what he’s seeing you. I say make his imagination a harsh reality and divorce him and get yourself a real man! Get yourself someone who sees your worth and value and treats you the way you deserve to be treated.
Maybe he has developed an addiction to porn. Maybe not but the symptoms are similar.
He needs therapy and you need a divorce
He sees you like a daughter and likes to imagine other men with you to get off?
Please do not reproduce with this man.
He’s gay.
He’s probably not imagining you with other men, just imagining the other men.
If he’s been told it’s wrong his whole life, getting married to a woman is a good way to hide it.
This feels like major Purity Culture issues. I’m guessing you both were very religious growing up, and probably still are. A lot of people have a hard time going from “all sex is bad and shouldn’t be done outside marriage” to “I’m married and I’m allowed to have sex with my partner.” I would recommend individual therapy for him to address it
Have you thought about marriage counseling?
You’re too old for him now. That’s the end of it
Girl please leave him, he is fetishizing you 💀💀💀
You can do so much better, I promise. He went for you because he found you young and naive. Don’t fall for it, he’s weird. You will find someone else who treats you like a normal human being.
See, this kind of thing really makes me appreciate premarital sex
Purity culture… I’m sorry you’re experiencing this
OP – the consensus say that you are not at fault here. However, there is something wrong with your husband. I think that during the time you guys were together and not sexually intimate, he created a story in his head and now he’s struggling with being sexually intimate with you in real time. I applaud you on trying to make it work by going to therapy and having the conversations with him, as hurtful as it was, but you need to understand that the issue is not you but him.
He needs to figure that out. Therapy is always good. Always encourage that. I don’t know if you also want to see a sex therapist just to make sure that everything is fine but he on the other hand is contradicting himself where he sees you like a daughter, but he gets off, thinking about other men having sex with you. Something is not right with this, and the fact that he’s deflecting and projecting his “whatever” it is onto you is not right.
Question 🙋🏾♀️ you were a virgin, was he one too? If not how was he satisfying his sexual needs for six years? Yuit said you didn’t go all the way but are you sure that was enough for him?
Ew, why are you still having sex with someone who thinks of you as his daughter or a baby?
Not for op but for everyone one “waiting” : This is why you have sex before marriage. That compatibility IS important
I was married to one of these types. He once told me “I just want to wrap you up in cotton wool, and protect you like a little doll; you’re too pure”. “you’re an angel”, “you’re a sweet baby”… yada yada yada……. He mocked me for dressing up in sexy undies etc. I could have written your post sadly.
Don’t put up with that rubbish. Almost guaranteed he’s hiding something. Now you’re that angel/baby, but not before huh….
We had a DB for our entire relationship and marriage. In 15 years probably we hadn’t sex less than 15 times in total after the first year. And at the time I left we hadn’t had ANY intimacy, not even open mouthed kissing for 4.5 YEARS 🫠 Didn’t even consummate the marriage.
Turns out, he was getting plenty. Just not with me. Oh and I discovered he’s not entirely straight either.
Be on your guard.
And watch your mental health. I had 15 years of this and after about 5 years I was crushed so bad. By ten years my MH was ruined and I had depression, body dysmorphia, no self esteem. It took 2.5 years of talking therapy to start to feel normal again. I filed for divorce last year!
I recommend the Dead Bedroom sub OP.
Hey OP, I’m in a big age gap relationship as the younger woman. About a decade gap, mid 30s now for me. Started when I was in college and he was returning for his second degree.
My relationship is very different to yours. We have sex. We argue sometimes. We laugh. We fuck up. We figure it out. When things are bad bad bad, we compromise. We trade ideas and fight the bad problem keeping us apart together.
We don’t worship each other. We don’t always agree. We don’t value purity. We don’t try to control or place expectations on each other.
When I was in my 20s and he in his 30s, he gave me space to grow. We didnt live together. He didn’t take my every Friday and Saturday night–i went out with friends and had those sloppy night experiences. He trusted me to not cheat, I did the same for him. He didn’t control my finances, and I didn’t need his money (when he got some before I did). He was available for me to ask about those adult experiences I hadn’t had yet, but didn’t make me follow his advice.z
He’s said I’ve changed from when he met me when I was 18. In a good way. He’s proud to call me his woman and brags about my career achievements to his friends. He says I’ve gone from a sassy, shy young lady to a sassy, confident broad.
OP, he says he sees you as pure and baby girl. You say you never argue. Why not? Have you… Even been allowed the space to grow and find that adult confidence? Or is he calling the shots like a dad and you just go with it? It’s so so hard to change shitty behavior in someone else. And honey I don’t think you’ve got anything shitty to change here–its on him…
Honestly all you can do is work on yourself. It sounds like he is the one that needs to work on himself. If he’s not willing to do that you need to talk about where the relationship is going moving forward. Is it possible that he has a porn addiction?
Yet another post about why it’s a horrible idea to wait for marriage. I’m so sorry you are going through this, OP. This man doesn’t deserve you.
This situation will never improve. You are still SO YOUNG. You can still do literally anything you want to. Don’t let this creep squander your one precious life. Get out while you still have a chance to turn it around with minimal damages.
Was he/both of you raised super religiously?
This post is weird. It’s like it’s written by AI and OPs posting history also makes me uneasy. It sort of seems like a bot account or someone needing views.
Is this like a test post for a blog or something?
He sees you as a girl, not a woman. Because he is a boy, not a man. He shouldn’t have married you if he doesn’t see you as an equal partner. His motivation to treat you as a wife comes from other men (by mentally competing with other men), not you yourself.
0/10.
Does he watch a lot of porn?
Did you grow up religious? I grew up Mormon, and while I’ve never married, I know that many religious newlyweds have a hard time transitioning from “sex should only be practiced within marriage” to “it’s all good now; let’s get kinky.” When you say that your husband sees you as “too pure,” it sounds very similar to me. He can’t let go of the idea that sex is intrinsically wicked/exploitative/etc.
I have two pieces of advice:
Relationship/sex therapy with someone who has experience with people in your position. They’ve probably seen similar patterns and have a much better idea of what works. Certainly better than this subreddit.
Have more frank conversations with him specifically about the purity aspect. Why does he think that touching you is doing something bad to you? You don’t want to be seen as a daughter. Express that. How does he think you both could transition into a more passionate and more sexual dynamic?
Purity culture: not even once
Is it possible he swings the other way? The fact he doesn’t see you in a sexual way but then he does when he imagines you with other men could indicate that
You can spend the next 50 years trying to fix the problem or pick another one, from the 4 billion males on earth.
You get one unpredictable life span, choose wisely.
Hey OP I want to say that i tend to be the more quiet and reserved good girl type. My boyfriend actually enjoys that that’s how I’m seen and that he’s the one that knows I’m not. It’s odd to me that your husband has put you on that kind of pedestal and isn’t willing to budge on that view.
This sounds like something he should be going to therapy for and maybe even couples therapy so you both can work on navigating it together. I don’t ever advocate for divorce immediately. Something you need to think about for yourself is are you okay with this kind of love? Your husband loving you as though you were his daughter and not his life partner if he can’t or won’t change his mind set. Is that enough for you?
This sounds like a religion side effect.
That man is gay.
You’re probably not the one for him. It’s a hard pill to swallow but sit with yourself and dig deep. Try to place yourself in a box and at the same time outside of the box you’re in with him and only then you’ll begin to see it. Happened to me with my ex. Was with him for 16 years. Last thing I said to him was thanks for everything and thanks for nothing. Thankful for the lessons and lack of progression. Got to know me!
Find a sex therapist to see as a couple and get to the root of things so they can improve.
In the meantime do things for yourself. Find a hobby that gets you outside/ with other ppl. Maybe a pottery class! Start taking care of yourself, pour your love and attention into you. Once you start doing that your confidence will boost.
He needs religious deprogramming
Is there any chance that he might be gay? Or might he feel inadequate because the lack a penis size? He does not make any sense at all with his behavior.
He is the one who needs therapy. You shouldn’t have to change yourself for him to like you better.
This is one of the hard realities of waiting until marriage. You did not really get the chance to learn about each other’s sexual compatibility beforehand, and now you are discovering a serious mismatch. You have already made big efforts to change and grow, but the issue is not you. It is how he views you. If he sees you as too innocent or like a daughter, that is not something lingerie or confidence will fix. That is a block in him, not a flaw in you. Whether this can be worked on through therapy or not, it is important to realize that this situation is not your failure. It is the risk that comes with waiting, because sometimes love and sexual chemistry do not line up the way you hoped.
Does he have a porn addiction?
He told you you look like a loser ( I don’t care if it’s sometimes its gotta be no times).won’t please you in bed, sex drives are misaligned, and you’re doing all the work to make things better while he’s doing jack shit. I don’t mean to be a reddit stereotype, but divorce 10000%. People like this don’t change. If they do, it’s because they’re trying really hard. He’s not.
You’re going to remain unsatisfied in multiple ways and you don’t deserve it. There are people out there that will treat you right, and will give a fuck about your pleasure and peace of mind. You gotta give a fuck about you too. Get outta there.
Are you married to an Elvis reincarnate?
Sounds like he wants to be a cuckold and watch other men have you. Could be that he’s hyper focused on that, and nothing else really works for him. My wife and I are into that so I know about it
Following
No, this is not normal, none of this is normal. I don’t want to attribute bad things to him, like he liked your youth and innocence and now you’re devalued to him, but this is not a situation that you can stay in without doing damage to yourself.
A relatively sexless marriage where he tells you he doesn’t lust after you is not a marriage, it is an adoption.
Let me be clear, that he loves you doesn’t matter, lots and lots of people love you, your husband is supposed to long for you, and see you as a partner, not as a child.
Bluntly, you are wasting your youth on this guy and you aren’t having a fantastic and amazing – Yes, it is unbelievably wonderful and mind-blowing! and you are missing it missing it!- sex life. Whatever he’s been telling you, it’s all been just talk, bombast – that guy is not going to do it for you, he doesn’t want to!
Get divorced, or I would even suggest that you try for an annulment – check the laws in your state, but someone that you’re holding up for sex with, who then tells you he’s not attracted to you has been defrauding you the entire time.
Please get out, get divorced, and get a real life with a real person OP. Otherwise this sexless time when he’s just giving you excuses and not validating you as a woman or a partner, will be your sacrifice. Make sure he’s not cheating too, cuz all this looks like a setup for him cheating.
He’s got a Madonna where complex, you probably need to leave.
This won’t get better
Nah that’s gross 🤢
Wow, sex therapy. Both of you. As a couple. Stat.
And no, it’s not normal to only be aroused by your partner by imagining them with other men. That sounds like he’s watched too much porn.
You’re middle eastern, right? This is an Islam problem.
Please get a divorce. This man has pulled a Presley and will never see you as a grown woman he desires. I would argue there’s some pedophilia SOMEWHERE deep down.
Please. Leave.
You deserve better and MORE than what you are getting out of this marriage.
Me personally, too? I cannot imagine marrying someone if I have no idea our sexual compatibility. It spells disaster to me since it’s such a key feature of non asexual relationships…
This sounds a lot like purity culture fallout. Check out Erica Smith (@ericasmith.educates on IG). She’s a sex educator for those who have been impacted by high-control religions and/or purity culture.
” I also noticed he tends to only feel lust to me is when he imagines me with other men. I don’t mind this kind of kinks but it’ feels weird when it’s the only time he feels lust and perform better while doing it.”
yes it is common , more so than some might have thought , including me. This might be part of your problem. Look at hot wife on Reddit , it is telling.
Honestly I think it is him, you are trying but he has some deep seated issues . I think you need to have a conversation about this but be prepared for total denial. tc
Your husband has some serious issues. This is not normal. Why would you stay with someone with whom you will never have satisfying sex? This is one reason why I advocate for people to find out if they are sexually compatible before they get married.
Both of you should probably go to therapy individually and as a couple. TBH, I think your husband spends too much time online.
This is misogyny
Time to get divorce .
U cannot live like this for rest of ur life.
This marriage has no hope
It’s great that you’ve gotten therapy to work on your self esteem and confidence, but you both need couple’s therapy.
His insistence on seeing you as a child to protect rather than an equal partner in your marriage is dysfunctional. It must affect more than one aspect of your relationship.
Literally always a bad idea to “save yourself” for marriage. There’s so much about your compatibility you can only learn by actually having sex with someone, and now you’ve found out you aren’t compatible.
It’s not ABnormal that he likes to imagine other men fucking you but it’s also not incredibly common. Like my husband would be really turned off by that, for instance.
My wife makes my dick hard every time I see her in underwear and I’d fuck her at the drop of a hat. If she was waiting at the door for me in lingerie I think I’d pass out
Your relationship sounds kinda miserable and he’s DEFINITELY going to cheat on you with someone WAAAAAYYY younger than him one day, read in to the that as much as possible
Religious sex guilt strikes again!
He needs therapy. You both need marriage counselling .
*This therapy and counselling needs to be separate from whatever religion got him here in the first place.
Dont wait till marriage to have sex and don’t get married when you’re under the age of 25 (at least)
Man I see these posts and he needs to be dating my GF and I need to be dating someone like you. Just mismatched libido’s and preferences. It’s been 5 years today actually and things will never change, just more excuses like this is my grandma’s old house and it’s weird. What if I get pregnant? Even though I’ve had a vasectomy and tested many times for zero sperm..
Check out the love after porn sub
Some people struggle to love someone and lust for that someone at the same time. It’s a common emotional/attachment/childhood/developmental trauma, where a person’s sexuality is disconnected from their heart (often because at a critical point in their childhood they experienced a certain rejection from their parent). If he has that, he’ll need therapy as well.
With the right support, things can eventually improve. But it sounds like you have so much to explore, sexually and emotionally, with him and in general, and you’re so young – and especially if you don’t have children yet – I just really want to recommend that you look into yourself deeply, look at this man and ask yourself if this is the man you want to spend your life with, to have a family with. Do you envision healthy emotional intimacy with him, where you feel seen, appreciated, loved, desired. And whether you love him back, for the specific person he is.
Is your husband religious? This smells… off.
This is annulment-worthy to me, idk. I would not stay in a marriage like this, he treats OP like a pet.
He may be gay and probably hoped that an awkward virgin girl might be a quiet enough closet to live in: sexually clueless and not as demanding.
The being turned on at thought of you with other men might be because of the other men added to the equation.
But I may be wrong… I hope to gawd I am.