A little back story, I have felt like my husband (29 M) has been distant over the past couple of weeks. I (29 F) am currently 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby and am being induced tomorrow.. we have been together for 12 years.
I approached him today in tears stating I didn’t want to go into the induction tomorrow with him feeling so distant and asked what was going on. He says for the past 2 weeks it feels like we’re roommates, not in a relationship and I do agree. We both have been dealing with a lot at work, a lot with our families relying on us and getting prepared to bring our baby home this weekend, it hasn’t left much time for just us.
I have been asking him to go out and do things at least once a week before baby comes but he works a totally opposite schedule and has been working a ton of over time that we haven’t had the opportunity to do so.
We have not been intimate in a couple of months as he did not want to as my pregnancy progressed so I didn’t push it. I know this is affecting our relationship and I know he is feeling overwhelmed about becoming a father.
He also said he realized over the past couple of weeks that he has not treated me well in our relationship, doesn’t make me a priority and thinks I deserve better. He says he wants to be there for our daughter but isn’t sure if he wants to be together or not. I asked if he still loved me and his response was “I think so.”
He brought up trying therapy but again, our schedules are so different, I asked how he would make that work with his work schedule and his response was “I don’t know.”
This person that is the absolute love of my life and my absolute best friend was so cold, like I didn’t even recognize him. He left for work shortly after without saying much at all.
I don’t know where to go from here. I want to fight for our relationship and our family but I feel so blindsided, I never knew there was this much of an issue in our relationship. I don’t know how to just move on, especially with such a big life change for us.
Do I keep fighting? How do I make this work?
Any suggestions besides couples therapy that might help to make this work and get our relationship back on track?
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“Yes, I do. So straighten your spine and be better.”
With the stress of having a newborn, you really need to make a pact with him that neither one of you will make any permanent decisions about your relationship until the baby is at least sleeping through the night. Emotions are running high right now. He needs to be there for you and for the child he helped bring into the world… everything else can wait a little while.
Get into imsex, makes baby easily got out
Take a few deep breaths! Put all thoughts about your relationship aside for a few days or weeks. You’re in a very stressful period right now and you really don’t need to be making any long term decisions. (Unless either of you felt in danger, but I didn’t get that from your post).
After baby is born and you start to get your breath back, you’ll have time to think it through. Therapy is always a good idea, you’ll figure out how to make it work – online sessions, or start with individual sessions or whatever works. Couples have been figuring it out for a long time.
Meanwhile, try to relax and get yourself ready for the induction.
I just don’t see long term relationships feeling like the first 6 months for the duration. You guys will be okay, the the start of your parenthood be the catalyst you need to make some serious changes, like get on the same job schedule, don’t pretend that a break up would be cheaper for either of you, take a pay cut of need be. Get on the same page with building your family unit, shaking off extended family where you can. Something has to give, you are at a cross roads, change something willingly or it will change without your input.
A pregnancy and a child change the relationship completely. I never believed that I would prioritize anyone higher than my husband, and neither did he. It all changed when we got our son. We also became more of roommates for a while during pregnancy and after as well. It took time to find back to each other… and the same process during the second pregnancy…
I think you have to allow yourselves time to go through this and to not give up… try to find each other again, eventually. The big changes make people want a divorce/break up. Don’t do it for the first 2-3 yrs….
Has this only changed in pregnancy? Not making time for each other or where you both pretty much having separate lives with benefits?
It sounds like he might be depressed. Sometimes men (as do some women) find it overwhelming the realisation of their life about to change. Some just can’t face the responsibility of being a parent while others throw themselves into the role. I do have to ask with such competing schedules to even make time for each other and be a couple what are you saving? To be in a relationship both people must want to put the time and effort in and at the moment there’s not even time for some therapy. You need to work out if you can make the other a priority (also including self care for yourself). This is only gonna be amplified when the baby arrives because in a few days as the baby will be and should be the priority and your going to both have to work out how to parent and be a couple.
I am not sure what the answer to this is as it seems like no work is being done to remedy the situation in making time for each other, which will be harder when the baby arrives.
Individual therapy for him. It sounds like he has pre-parenting jitters. And the first year IS so hard, you won’t believe it. Most people don’t actually know what they are getting into. Many people divorce when really (barring abuse, drug problems, etc.) you should tough it out at least for that year.
>We have not been intimate in a couple of months as he did not want to as my pregnancy progressed so I didn’t push it. I know this is affecting our relationship and I know he is feeling overwhelmed about becoming a father.
Memo to straight people: outercourse & oral sex exist.
Is there a possibility that one of you could get a better job, eliminating the opposite schedules? That, aside from counseling, would have the biggest impact.
MAKE time for each other! Add in any small little things to pick each other up. A surprise, a love note, a small gift – it doesn’t matter what they are; as long as you each put in the effort to let the other know they’re important to you.
Prioritize your relationship and your child right now.
I don’t know what you mean by supporting your families. But I think that needs to be put on the back burner for now.
I will be honest, this feels a little like projection to me. Anytime someone goes all distant and then starts with the “you deserve better than me” it is typically from guilt. Maybe we need some more context as to why he has “not treated you well” but for me it appears that he is going through some type of crisis and trying to come up with an excuse to cover himself so when he leaves you he doesn’t look like the biggest a-hole on the planet. Yes, this is a very tough time in a marriage, and there is a lot of stress – but this is supposed to be when you approach as a team, and take it on together and become stronger. Its not a good sign that he is already acting like this BEFORE the baby is even born and you are massively sleep deprived. If I were you I would try to delve a little deeper and find out the true reason behind his sudden shift.
He’s cheating
His timing could not be worse and really it’s only going to get harder and put more strain on the relationship because the baby will be consuming all of your waking energy. OP, tell him you can talk in 6-8 weeks, but until then, you need him to be your partner and a devoted father. You are at your most vulnerable right now and I hate that so many men get scared and run right when their partners need them the most.
You tell him that yes, you deserve better and you know he can do better. Both of you are about to have a life changing experience you think you are prepared for, but you absolutely are not. No first time mom and dad are prepared for what happens when you actually have the baby. Couples therapy is a great place to start.
Honestly, men like this suck. Why do they always pull this shit at the worst times???
The first thing to do is concentrate on this giving birth. If your husband can’t be there, is there anyone else you can have on stand-by to be there as you give birth?
Honestly, this sounds like normal pre-baby jitters to me – and if he’s anxiety-prone, perhaps more than the normal levels of overthinking and dread about what’s yet to come. Do you have any friends or relatives who have recently welcomed a child? It might help him to talk to a new father he knows and trusts, and hear about their own worries pre- and post-baby.
I think his remote attitude and apparent guilt that he hasn’t treated you well are related to his anxiety that he will turn out to be a terrible father. None of these catastrophizing thoughts are necessarily based in reality.
It would be dumb of me to advise you not to worry too much about what he said, when of course that’s all you can think about since he left for work. But you do have far more important things to focus on, over the next 24-48 hours. Try to take the optimistic view that you can’t do anything about it now anyway, and things are likely to get better rather than worse after the baby comes.
Best wishes for an easy delivery, and congratuations in advance as you welcome a new member to your family!
“Then BE better. Or fuck off entirely”
Sounds like he’s having an affair. Could be why he’s been working so much “OT”.
Honestly it sounds like he’s an avoidant person who is panicking before the baby and re-evaluating his life now that it’s real. Keep fighting and it’s okay if you feel like roommates for now. Just go through the motions and make sure to at least kiss every day. Plan to kind of table the relationship convos until like September and reevaluate at that time.
I’m still pregnant with my first, but I’ve been told to not make any permanent relationship or life changes the first year of baby’s life because everything is so stressful and chaotic and new. Hopefully the roommate phase will pass and if not, couples therapy will be easier once the baby is more manageable. This does not sound like grounds for separation imo
He’s right you do deserve better than someone who tells you they’re not sure if they love you the day before you deliver their child.
If his job is the problem, can he find a new job so your schedules align?
Can you ask your mum or friend to alsi be in the delivery room with you tomorrow in case he doesn’t show up for you emotionally.
Okay, i don’t buy his excuse. That you deserve better?? He’s looking to get out of this relationship without looking like the bad guy. There is definitely something else going on.
You’re way too nice. If I was going to push a whole ass person out of my body in mere hours and my husband started giving me this shit, I would tell him to fuck right off. Roommates for two whole weeks, give me a fucking break.
I mean at the end of the day its a him problem right now and I beyond hate the concept of fighting for a relationship because its (99%) a code for a lady bending over backwards or putting up with the worst treatment ever to stay together.
In my eyes he’s pulling a stunt to essentially force his needs into the situation. Toxic men struggle with pregnancy and fatherhood because the attention and needs suddenly go to their partners and children how disgusting to tell the person who is risking their life to bring your child into the world that they ‘think’ they love them.
so tbf he’s not really wrong you do deserve better
“I think so”?!??! the DAY BEFORE you’re scheduled to deliver his baby?!?
Honestly, it does sound like you deserve better. The only reason for his behavior is because he’s cheating. Fuck that guy! Seriously, some men just don’t deserve women. The audacity! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope you have someone close to you can lean on. I’d cut off contact and file for child support immediately.