We’ve been together for 16 years, we were obviously just children when we first got together. As we’ve gotten older, I’ve found I’ve slowly changed into an entirely different person than who I was at that age and if I was to meet him now as a single lady, I absolutely would not want to date him. We have different interests and passions, different political opinions and we are just mismatched in so many ways.
The worst example of this is how things are between us sexually.
My husband told me around 10 years ago he liked the idea of me with someone else. I told him I didn’t like that at all but he’s consistently brought it up over the years. This kink of his seems to be evolving as time goes on though, now he wants me to stop him from cumming. He wants me to make him buy me expensive things before I let him sleep with me and yesterday he threw a little comment out about me making him ‘lock it away’ to ensure he doesn’t cum without me.
The problem is, I’m not and have never been interested in any of this. I actually have a preference towards men being more domineering which is obviously the total opposite.
Ive gone along with it sometimes – letting him buy me stuff – and kind of reframed it into him treating me as a ‘princess’ which I don’t mind but I’ve only slept with him and I don’t want to sleep with someone else. The thought of him being a cuckold is a massive turn off for me.
I don’t know what to do. I thought maybe this kink would fizzle out but it’s getting so much worse and I’m struggling to even find him attractive at this point. Does anyone have any advice please?
EDIT: looking at some of the comments, I think it’s important to state we have children. My parents have been together for 40 years and happy. My husband’s parents divorced and I am terrified of the effect divorce can have on children. I want to avoid divorce if possible but as a lot of comments have picked up on, we are clearly not compatible at this point. I feel totally lost.
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You’re attracted to men. Your husband isn’t acting like a man.
Remember this when your future daughters want to date at a young age. They shouldn’t.
All you can do is leave.
If you feel you’d not date him if you met today, that’s very telling about the fate of this marriage. This is who he is. You want forever to be like this?
You two need a sex therapist
I’m assuming that you have already had a frank, no-holds-barred, conversation with him about this and it has gone nowhere. If you haven’t then you need to. If you have, then your relationship is doomed.
Even if the sex wasn’t an issue, the other differences you mention are potentially relationship-ending. The triumvirate of sex, politics and religion. Oh, and money too.
Sounds like you guys simplyvaren’t compatible anymore. Don’t rly now what you want us to say. Obviously you should leave for the sake of both of you.
Your husband needs to reduce/stop his porn consumption – these are all porn kinks
I met my husband at 16 and am now 31 and we are completely different people as well. But we have grown together, and the people we are now are just as compatible (maybe more so) than we were back then.
It’s okay that you and your husband have grown apart, but if all that is keeping you together is loyalty and a shared past, it may be time to move on. Meeting in the middle about sex is one thing, but it sounds like you would be compromising on every part of your life and that’s no life at all.
If you’re struggling to find him attractive and you know you wouldn’t date him if you two met today, then it’s unclear why you stay in the relationship. You’re not happy, you two are incompatible, and you seem to be moving in very different directions. If it’s fear of being alone that’s keeping you stuck in place, try to resolve that fear and move on.
You’re a young woman, so don’t let any fears of age stop you. But the years from 30 to 40 absolutely fly by. Where do you want to be when you’re 40? Let that drive you because whatever you’re going to do takes time – be it therapy or leaving him.
Feeling so uncomfortable and turned off by his behaviour is not good for you in the long run.
You are too young to be trapped with someone who doesn’t align with your values. And he’s not respecting your boundaries. Make very clear you aren’t into him being a cockold. And he needs to stop watching porn, because I have no doubt that’s where he’s getting his ideas. But honestly start looking for a lawyer
Do you have kids? If not, you should get a divorce, if yes, you should also separate but keep it amicable.
Research ethical non monogamy.
Relationships exist in all different forms. As long as you are both enthusiastically consenting to what works and it’s is mutually beneficial.
And obviously you keep the health and well-being of your family unit as a priority. You will absolutely need a kink friendly therapist for this.
All is not lost.
It is perfectly okay to acknowledge that you have both grown to a point where you are now best to go on seperate paths. You can do that with love and respect.
So many people fight to keep a connection the same when it is not realistic to expect that people won’t change over the years.
Free him to follow his journey of self exploration and adventure and for you to find someone that is on the same page as you sexually.
Staying in a sham marriage is by far more damaging to children than divorce. This is not love, and it’s most definitely not what you should be modeling as love and marriage to your children.
sounds gay
You are definitely not compatible and imo better off separating before resentment kicks in.
You can’t be a good co-parent after that.
Sex and politics are deal breakers.
>I am terrified of the effect divorce can have on children
The only thing worse for children than their parents divorcing … is their parents who SHOULD have divorced staying together ‘for the children’.
That way they get all of the negative relationship learning and self-loathing of whether it was about them, coupled with the unhealthy environment and knowing that environment IS about them.
If you shouldn’t be together, don’t be – focus on healthy coparenting.
Hm… divorce amicably and maintain a friendship so you can coparent vs divorce because one of you cheats and it hinders amicable parenting? Your kids prefer parents who are divorced and fulfilled rather than parents who suffer it out. What would you tell your kids to do? Would you tell them to stay married to a partner they’re not compatible with?
Your kids are paying attention. You don’t want to teach them that a woman’s pleasure doesn’t matter, they pick up on more than you think. The dysfunction in my parents’ sexual relationship was supposedly behind closed doors but it bled into everything and I’ve personally had to do a lot of healing around the negative messages I received as a child about who gets priority in the bedroom and who is expected to sacrifice to keep the peace.
Your kids will be okay. Yea it’s going to be tough on them at first but the alternative is you wait until youngest is 18. Can you handle that?
Have you thought about talking to him about the kinks. And your needs there is two parties in this partnership if your needs aren’t being met then you need to discuss this with him. And bring up how it makes you uncomfortable about his needs. I’m sure in between there is a middle ground you can both meet on to fill both of your needs.
Sometimes we outgrow our partners and that’s okay. Love and life can be seasonal. Sometimes it’s forever and sometimes it’s for a shorter period of time. Both are meaningful.
Teach your kids that happiness is important. That we don’t need to stay places we are unhappy. It’s not like you haven’t already tried to make it work.
Divorce doesn’t have to mess up kids if it’s done amicably and with the kids as priority.
Better to part now as friends rather than when you start to resent each other.
Hi…66 yo woman here. Please whatever you do don’t agree to being with another man to please your husband. I totally get where you’re coming from. I think that your concerns about divorce necessarily having a very detrimental effect on kids is misplaced. There are plenty of kids who come from divorced parents who are well-adjusted and who are just fine. Please don’t let that stop you from pushing through with a divorce. You two have reached a bpoint in your marriage where you are just growing further apart—-not closer. By the end of my marriage I couldnt even stand for my husband to touch me. Please end your marriage.
It’s pretty simple, tell him your feelings. If his stance is his way or the highway, then leave.
Who do you want to have sex with? Not your husband, not other people either?