This may be long winded but I am going to try and sum it up. I (29/F) have been married to my husband (32/M) for 6 years. He has always been someone who doesn’t get riled up about politics, unless it affects him directly (I.e. changing Veterans benefits, gun control, health care etc.). I am someone who cares about other people, maybe more than I should.
I am also bisexual, and tell my husband that if it hadn’t been him, it probably would have been a woman.
This came up today because of the potential legal issues facing gay marriage. I am so angry and hurt that they would try to repeal that or even discuss it, and I am afraid it could actually happen. I knew it was a risk to bring it up to husband because, again, that doesn’t affect him directly, but I did anyway la because I was HOPING for support and validation in my feelings of anger and sadness.
Well, what I got was, “that sucks”. When I pressed him further, he said he doesn’t care because the only situation in which that would affect him, would be if we divorced, or he died. He cannot seem to understand why I am upset that my theoretical right to marry a woman, could be stripped away and why I would be upset about it. He said “they shouldn’t be able to do that, like all the other things they shouldn’t be able to do” and “blame trump for your anger, not me”.
** I personally am upset on behalf of the whole community, not just myself but again, my husband doesn’t care about that because it doesn’t affect him**
He did the same thing the other day when I tentatively mentioned how transgender service members being kicked out and denied early retirement benefits that are offered to EVERYONE ELSE at 15 years of service. Again, silly me, thought that as a veteran who fought like hell for his own benefits, he would be upset or angry. But no- he isn’t trans, so it doesn’t apply and why get angry on someone else’s behalf.
There’s just no emotion behind any of it, and I can’t understand it. I am neurodivergent as well so maybe that’s why I feel it, but I can’t imagine being emotionless about other people.
Does anyone have any guidance on managing my own expectations? I just feel like I should be able to get support and have a conversation and emotional connection when I mention things that make me upset. But he just Does. Not. Care. about other people’s problems.
This just happened so we haven’t spoken and I’m not sure how to handle it from here.
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You cannot force him to care but you can share your feelings with friends and family members that share your concerns.
He voted for trump and doesn’t want to admit his actions have consequences that hurt real people. The cognitive dissonance distortion field with MAGA is obscene.
Have you tried being direct with him? Something like, “Hey, I get that you don’t get riled up about things (and don’t get me wrong, I really appreciate it when it comes to everyday nonsense, calm is great), but these things are really affecting me and I really need some verbal and emotional support from you.”
If he doesn’t understand what that means, explain it: “When I feel this way, could you say… Could you express…”
One other thing: has he always been this way? If so, are you sure he’s neurotypical? If not, might be be really burnt out, or struggling with a lot right now?
This is really sad. There are many people who only care about issues that affect them. It’s obvious to me by the results of the last election. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do about your husband’s attitude but please know a lot of us do care about others. I wish you well !
You’re an angry ideologist.
Let other people have their opinion also… and don’t think only your way of thinking is the right way. Always interesting how extreme ideology leads to the point where it becomes hypocritical
Neurodivergent people may feel a strong sense of justice as a feature. Your husband clearly… does not. He doesn’t seem very able to empathize with others. That would bother me personally to no end.
Soooo…. this past has nothing to do with your title, right?
It sounds to me that you, inexplicably after at least 6 years, are just now realizing certain aspects of your husband’s personality (he’s self-serving, doesn’t appear to care about other’s rights, etc) that you really don’t like.
If I’m right, are you asking whether you should stay with him?
Maybe he is tired of all the outrage around him and is trying to enjoy his space.
I am also neurodivergent. I didn’t know it was a valid excuse to try and keep everyone around me emotionally hostage.
You’re trying to get support for something that practically…doesn’t affect you. That where the disconnect comes from from