Married for 1.5 years together for 4, no kids. I am starting to feel like I can’t be human around my husband to put it simply. Much of the relationship has been centered around my issues and my tone of voice, reaction etc but it’s starting to feel like I can’t be human.
For example, we got a violation for our lawn being too long. I saw it, got a bit upset wondering who reported it but did NOT get upset at my husband. I make a huge point to show my stress is at the issue and not him. I said “look, the weeds are high” as we left the house in what I made sure to not be a condescending tone (he’s sensitive to tone, which I can understand).
He immediately was angry with me, started raising his voice at me saying “just stop, just stop, stop doing this my god”. I then shut down and started crying a bit. I asked him what I did wrong and why he was mad. He said he didn’t want to talk about it. I did then say i’m sorry I don’t know what I did and he said, once again mad, that he didn’t want to talk about it right now and I can’t force him to. I even said i’d mow and this was not about him.
I see that I was searching for a resolution when he didn’t want to talk but this is an example of how I feel like if I have any negative emotion I can’t express it around him. I have to be totally calm and non-reactive to something going on around us. What, if any, advice would the group have about what this type of dynamic would be?
Am I
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Get a couple therapy, its totally normal and helps a lot. Talk openly, communication is key. Maybe something more is going on in his life (problems at work or something that he keeps from you).
OP i’m so sorry, he sounds awful 🙁 this definitely sounds like he’s being intentionally difficult about you expressing your emotions. Is he like this all the time, or is it just when you display any emotions?
You are allowed to be stressed/upset/happy/sad/angry about things without him being mad at you. In fact he should support you if he can, and you do the same for him. You are modifying yourself and trying so hard to people please your way into peace with him and it is not happening.
Imagine having kids with this man (If that’s in your life plan). Because kids have no control over managing their reactions. They feel their feelings, right out loud. Would he react this way to future children?
A the end, you have to decide if you want to stay or go. Insist on couples counseling – if he refuses to acknowledge that this is a problem, he can’t continue to treat you this way . . . that might be your answer.
So he’s allowed to express himself freely, including being angry at you and raising his voice, and you’re… what? Supposed to sit there and keep everything locked up inside? What about when he does do something that makes you upset? How does he expect you to handle it?
You mentioned that your “issues” have been a focal point in your relationship, and that your tone has been a problem. Do you have a history of being abusive or lashing out at him in anger?
Whose job is it to tend the lawn? If it’s his, even though you said you weren’t upset with him, if it’s his task he likely is taking it to heart.
(Edit: I misread and thought that he was the one who started crying.)
This could be my issue but this sounds so much like my abusive ex – I’d have to tread on eggshells around him making sure I was always upbeat and positive but not TOO positive so he knew I was taking it seriously. It was exhausting, I had no idea how tired I was until I left and trained myself to stop doing that.
Often he’d just be mad about a situation and say he “didn’t want to talk about it” because he was still thinking about how he could make it my fault he was mad. Because being mad AT ME was so much more satisfying than being mad at someone else or -god forbid- admit he made a mistake.
30 is still young, especially if you don’t want kids. I’ve known several women who were single at 35 but happily married with a kid by 40. Please seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life desperately managing how you react so you don’t get hours or days of fighting and aggression.
Im just a stranger on the internet but if you were my friend in real life I’d advise you to leave.
Read the book Stop Walking on Eggshells. I’m not diagnosing him, but you shouldn’t have to hide your true feelings because it upsets him. That’s not good in the long-term.
Was he always mean to you, or did it start or escalate once you were married? Did you have a good example of a respectful and loving romantic relationship in your childhood?
There is a myth that abusive people become abusive because they are angry. The truth is they become angry because they are abusive. They start from an abusive mindset where they are entitled to certain (unreasonable) things, and when they don’t get those things, they feel robbed or cheated so they get angry.
In your case, your husband believes he is entitled to never have to cope with any negativity or inconvenience. So when you express something like, “The weeds are high,” what he hears is, “Here’s some problem that I have to DEAL WITH and it’s NOT FAIR because I am SPECIAL and should not have to DEAL WITH things.” And to be clear, it doesn’t matter that you’re not asking him to actually go out and take care of the weeds; he doesn’t want to deal with you expressing a negative feeling about the weeds. Anything you present him with that isn’t completely effortless and enjoyable just looks to him like a problem you’re presenting him with, even when a healthy, reasonable person would just see it as an ordinary issue that the two of you will take care of because that’s what life looks like when you’re a functional person.
Please don’t spend your life like this.
Are you allowed to be happy or do you just have to be a wife appliance with no emotions?